Guilt Trip - Comments

Oh wow, the imagery in this is amazing. Judging by what I've read I'm assuming the girl(s?) are pill addicts. Bound to the addiction by a craving and the way you bring that to life amazes me and I thoroughly enjoy it.

The layout is a nice touch to the somber feeling of the story and I think it adds a touch that nothing else could quite get to.

I didn't see any errors/flaws in your grammar or spelling and that is a good sign that you knew what you were doing when you wrote this. All in all I think this is marvelous.

This amazing. I love the end, how all of those short sentences have such punch to them. The imagery in this is incredible as well. It's really great!

I really liked how you explored morality in this story and with your theme being drug addiction and drug dealing. I think it is an interesting topic to explore and your characterization of drug addiction was spot on, but I love how you used the strains of drug addiction to cause internal conflict within the drug dealer.

Firstly, the layout is wonderful. I like how the colours are natural so that the image is striking but once you start reading you're attention isn't drawn away from the story.
As for the piece itself, it's brilliant. I don't read many stories on this subject, purely because they tend to be from the same point of view and overuse the same imagery. But this one was so unique, and it was really refreshing to see it told from the side of the dealer. I guess when most people think about dealers they wonder what kind of person could do that sort of thing, but you managed to make me empathize with Max.

I agree with sheepcat; and silk tea. about the first line. If I were you I'd change it to "She exhaled white smoke, vapor, slipping from her lips like froth over the top of a glass." But other than that small thing, this is truly an amazing thing. I know someone whose mom is a drug addict and this sort of makes me feel that grief for the addict. It builds really well in the middle with the desperation of needing something solid and that next high too. I also love your suggestive style. Like you don't come out and say that this girl is a prostitute but you suggest it with the line "...bills she'd made up from many bouts around her shabby apartment." The ending with the sentences directly in the center. "She was no better than them. Her hands shook. She was just like them." I love the way that flows quickly, it makes my heart pound. I feel like you put me in your narrator's shoes. I think this is beautiful.

I'm in agreement with silk tea. on the first line. The rest of the repetition and the synonyms used in quick succession are delightful. Your description paints a beautiful picture, one that I was quite easily sucked into.
I love the ending, and how it shows the hypocrisy of human nature.

I love everything about this except for the first line. It's really off-putting with the repetition of 'she breathed out a short breath' maybe do something like 'she exhaled a short breath' because it would flow so much better and wouldn't put readers off before they even get into the story. Seriously though the repetition everywhere else like with 'shaky' works so well. Like it gives it this kind of poeticness and just yes, much love.

I love everything about this except for the first line. It's really off-putting with the repetition of 'she breathed out a short breath' maybe do something like 'she exhaled a short breath' because it would flow so much better and wouldn't put readers off before they even get into the story. Seriously though the repetition everywhere else like with 'shaky' works so well. Like it gives it this kind of poeticness and just yes, much love.

I thought this was very well done to have been written so early in the morning.

I like the layout also, but the title is kind of hard to read.
Shaky pulled the bag open, pinching a small pill between thin fingers as Max turned and walked away. Did you mean to add in hands after shaky? I actually kind of like how you ended it with the last two lines as they are. I personally wouldn't change them, but it's your choice in the end.

This is beautiful. Seriously....

From the layout to the poetic way you described things, it was addicting! Once I read this piece, I also should add that I appreciated the title of it more too.

This was very simple, in a great way!! It really felt bare in the way that expressed vulnerability and that in itself made a huge impact to me as a reader.

Gosh, thank you for sharing!! And you SHOULD be proud to have produced this in the early hours of the morning and have it be a great piece!!
I bow down to your masterful jedi skills.

Lovely layout.

I loved the first bit of description about the snow on her eyelashes, it was so beautifully described and yet so very simple.

For as short as it is, this is very gripping as a drabble needs to be since you want the reader to feel raw emotion. So I thought this was excellent and nice little read.

And I agree with what Marian said below, I think you should flip-flop the last two sentences for a stronger effect, but that's your call.

Good work!

I will gladly take this drabble's comment virginity. I just adore drabbles, can't keep my hands (well eyes) off them.

Layout and Summary:
The layout is simple and it goes well with the summary. I'm really interested on what I'll be reading n the actual chapter.

Chapter 1/1:
I like the way you started this piece and the air you have managed to create around it, along with the detailed decriptions. The despearation in the short conversation showed clearly and I found myself feeling the same - along with the character, imagining how it would be if I was in her shoes. Well done!

enabling the so intoxicated.
You either missed a word or I didn't get that.

She wanted to feel better than that girl, better than everyone she sold to but she was no better.
That sentence really spoke to me. You got me there.

I liked how you ended this. My only suggestion would be to switch the last two sentences places. She was just like them. I think it's better ending it like this.

-Marian.