Honestly, this has some potential. This is a topic many girls can relate to, especially in the young teen demographic. I like how it's in first person, making it personal for the readers. Also, extra points for pretty good spelling and grammar. Aside from a minor typos--- one of Maria's name earlier in the chapter, and another where you forgot to capitalize an 'I', it was fine. I'm wondering how Dani is going to deal with the pressure her peers are forcing on her. The short summary said she was going to embark on a journey to make them regret the things they say to her. I can only guess how Dani is going to grow from this first chapter....which is great! From the impression the short summary left, I have a feeling that Dani isn't just going to lay down and take the abuse. She might be a fighting spirit---which would be a refreshing and different take on teen peer pressure of weight control. ...of course, this is just the impression I got from it. I don't know; I could be completely off. I just hope Dani can become a great role model for all the readers that can relate to her situation.
Though you have a great start, I do have some constructive notes. I know you said that you suck at summaries...right in the summaries, it's actually better to at least make an attempt to write something. It turns people away from reading the story altogether when there isn't a summary. Which would be a shame because you have a good start. The short summary was fine! You can just use that; it's no problem. Also, have you considered setting a custom layout? There are people here that would love to make layouts for you, just request it here and someone will be able to help you out. I think your writing has a good base---from the one chapter, it seems that you make an effort to write in decent form. This is great---you have a start in detailing the story and characters' actions, just don't be afraid to use more details. And be careful of the structuring of paragraphs; I know, it's easier said than done and even I struggle with it. Just try to organize each chapter so the readers aren't confused as to who's speaking and to whom.
Overall, this is a great start to a story. Thanks for sharing!
I like how it's in first person, making it personal for the readers. Also, extra points for pretty good spelling and grammar. Aside from a minor typos--- one of Maria's name earlier in the chapter, and another where you forgot to capitalize an 'I', it was fine.
I'm wondering how Dani is going to deal with the pressure her peers are forcing on her. The short summary said she was going to embark on a journey to make them regret the things they say to her. I can only guess how Dani is going to grow from this first chapter....which is great!
From the impression the short summary left, I have a feeling that Dani isn't just going to lay down and take the abuse. She might be a fighting spirit---which would be a refreshing and different take on teen peer pressure of weight control.
...of course, this is just the impression I got from it. I don't know; I could be completely off. I just hope Dani can become a great role model for all the readers that can relate to her situation.
Though you have a great start, I do have some constructive notes. I know you said that you suck at summaries...right in the summaries, it's actually better to at least make an attempt to write something. It turns people away from reading the story altogether when there isn't a summary. Which would be a shame because you have a good start. The short summary was fine! You can just use that; it's no problem.
Also, have you considered setting a custom layout? There are people here that would love to make layouts for you, just request it here and someone will be able to help you out.
I think your writing has a good base---from the one chapter, it seems that you make an effort to write in decent form. This is great---you have a start in detailing the story and characters' actions, just don't be afraid to use more details. And be careful of the structuring of paragraphs; I know, it's easier said than done and even I struggle with it. Just try to organize each chapter so the readers aren't confused as to who's speaking and to whom.
Overall, this is a great start to a story. Thanks for sharing!