I think you have a unique way of story telling, you're diction is very descriptive in most parts. I adore descriptive narratives to a certain point where I am not lost in translation. Despite your beautiful way of telling this story, I felt by the end of it, I had no idea what was going on and none of these characters really made an impact on me. They were easily forgotten about I felt like. I love the setting and atmosphere you created though, like this alternate universe where the only things that mattered were love and chaos.
"Pain is temporary, honor is forever." I honestly adore that bit because the General lived and breathed that I thought, a man of his word and it was sad because men like that who been in the service for along time, tend to see the world for what it really is and how disgraceful life is to the point where death is sort of like a duty and something that is forever. That's what I got out of that anyway, but that part stuck with me and it made sense.
I agree with silk tea on the comment of you putting a lot of thought into this, and I love when writers do that, it says a lot. Keep writing, I see nothing wrong as far as syntax and grammar, but character development wouldn't hurt here a little more. It would have added an emotional response, well for me at least.
This is really interesting. I can tell you've placed a lot of thought into your detail and description. The dialogue seems a bit stiff but I have a feeling it's meant to be like with the political figures and what not? But otherwise very nice job. :)
"Pain is temporary, honor is forever." I honestly adore that bit because the General lived and breathed that I thought, a man of his word and it was sad because men like that who been in the service for along time, tend to see the world for what it really is and how disgraceful life is to the point where death is sort of like a duty and something that is forever. That's what I got out of that anyway, but that part stuck with me and it made sense.
I agree with silk tea on the comment of you putting a lot of thought into this, and I love when writers do that, it says a lot. Keep writing, I see nothing wrong as far as syntax and grammar, but character development wouldn't hurt here a little more. It would have added an emotional response, well for me at least.