Bloomless Flower - Comments

So mine isn't going to be as structured as your other comment.
I have one complaint: change the font color!!! it's super hard to read and I love the layout but I had to change it to the default in order to read it
But I like the premise :) I'm excited to see where this goes!

If she ever was to be a flower, she would be a rose bush filled with bloomless roses and she wouldn't even metaphorically be the roses instead she was the thorns. I understand what you're going for, but you lack punctuation. There should be a comma between instead and roses. IMO I think this part would flow better if you made it into two sentences. Something like If she ever was to be a flower, she would be a rosebush filled with bloomless roses. She wouldn't even metaphorically be the roses, instead she would be the thorns. Also there's a tense change, so put in would be rather than was. Also, rosebush is apparently one word according to Google Chrome, but don't trust me on that one

Again, 'You can't make me go!' Corsica slammed her bedroom door shut on her father and the guests that had arrived to reveal the news that Corsica was given one of the finest scholarships to attend 'King Edward VI Five Ways School' as a Sixth former. is a borderline run on sentence. I'd suggest ending it after she shut her door on her father and the guests, and then explain why they were there in a new sentence, just to help the flow.

Corsica had a two older brothers Just take out the a~

They made an effort to ring and try to keep in contact with their little sister but she chose to reject the phone calls, text messages and emails from them, not just her brothers but also from her friends who were finding it hard to be on the same level as Corsica. Another run on. Maybe end it after "emails from them" and make the rest a new sentence?

In the beginning, up until the Everyone was finding it hard to be on the same level as Corsica sentence, you repeat her name often. Maybe replace a few of them with her/she to help the flow.

Everyone assumed Corsica was feeling sorry for herself. How could she feel sorry for herself when she didn't care about herself? Assumptions were what she was faced with from her parents, her brothers, and her friends. Corsica didn't care about anything, it was hard to after some things she had witnessed. Having to uphold her parents pride by keeping her grades up, being polite and ladylike. It wasn't her. None of it was. Her masked exterior of being a sweetheart was shedding, fast. She was more impatient, snappy and moody. No one knew why, she didn't want to reveal why. Overall, I feel like you're doing a lot of telling rather than showing here, especially at the "she didn't want to reveal why" part.

There was a knock at her door, followed by a slight opening of her door. Again, to help with the flow, I'd suggest using "it" rather than her door at the end of the sentence.

She had his eyes, they were a deep light brown, almost hazel coloured at times, the bridge of his nose was narrow, her brothers had both inherited his sharp jawline and his hair that was still dark from his constant hair dying, he didn't like the term aging, didn't believe in it so he tried to avoid it.I understand what you're trying to say but it left me totally confused it's another run on. I'd suggest ending it when you begin to talk about her brothers.

'Are you okay, honey?' Her mother's voice was soft. The H on mother should be lowercase here. Again, I feel as though you're telling the reader rather than showing when you write She tried not to push Corsica away but instead help her.

She could never understand Corsica, but she did always try after all it was a mother's job to be there for her kids. Corsica was always a step ahead from everyone else. The tense is a little weird to me when you write "but she did always try". Maybe use always tried instead? Also, there needs to be a comma between try and after.

Corsica watched her mother as her eyes twinkle with excitement when remembering all the wonderful places she had visited. Since you're using more of a past tense through out the entire chapter, I'd suggest changing twinkle to twinkled + changed when remembering to as she remembered.

Overall, I think you just need to use more commas and pay attention to your tense. I like the intro though! You left just enough out to make me wonder about this family. They come off rich and you left me wanting to read more to find out more. You do a great job at painting what your characters look like. You have a nice vocabulary when explaining their appearance. I like that you made Corsica ignore her dad, especially since she was listening to The Rolling Stones I didn't expect that, due to the kind of family she comes from. I'm also left wondering where she hears this quote. I like that Corsica knows her's dad cheating, yet doesn't have the will to tell her mom in fear shell cry. And here's the dreaded layout comment: I think it fits well with the theme, but the words are a tad too light for me to be able to read. It's very pretty though.

This story definitely has potential. I will patiently wait to meet Charlie