Darkness - Comments

I’m here as the new judge for the ‘Pre-Writes #2’ contest.

Okay, so. 3B was one of my favorite Teen Wolf storylines simply because we get to see this dark and terrifying side of Stiles, the show’s comic relief. So the fact that you were writing the story during this period really intrigued me from the start. Especially since you were rewriting Stiles’ love life with Lex rather than Lydia or Malia. There’s a lot of love between the two and it’s so sweet to see. Back when I watched 3B, I was of the mindset that poor Stiles deserved all the love! I still do, but ya know.

However, there were a few things that prevented this from being totally enjoyable.

For one, you have an excessive amount of errors. I know—from reading other stories of yours—that you write on your phone mostly, which could be forgivable for some errors but the amount you have is overwhelming. A quick proofread on your own would catch them, but you could also ask a friend or something to read it over for you and correct the mistakes before you post it. The errors are so distracting for me as a reader because there’s no actual consistency to anything. The prose and narrative are all over the place, and the grammatical errors make it hard to read because you have random commas or no periods that create either awkward pauses or run-on sentences. You also have a tendency to use the wrong ‘your/you’re’ as you did it numerous times in just the first few chapters. When Lex told Stiles that he was freezing, you said “your freezing” when it should have been “you’re freezing.” As said, this happens more than once. You also don’t capitalize names pretty often.

Secondly, I feel like the lack of detail given takes away from a really enjoyable cast of characters. You don’t really detail surroundings or emotions in depth, so you have a lot of dialogue. This would be fine if the dialogue itself had a more natural flow to it, but a lot of it was actually very choppy and clumsy, which made it seem like none of the characters were actually in character. You should try reading it out loud because it really helps create authentic dialogue. I don’t know how many conversations I’ve had with myself out loud, reading out the conversation between two characters. So I would definitely recommend that and to delve into some more details overall.

I like how you used lex instead of Lydia for stiles's mind (: love the story also keep it up<3

@ blackenedrose

@ James Barnes;

Thank you guys =D I am very happy that you enjoy it

This looks super promising. I love how she can tell that it's not him.

like this so far =]