Tuning Heartstrings - Comments

It took me ages to get to the commenting part of my Hawaiian Giveaway you participated in, but behold it’s finally here!

I AM IN LOVE WITH THE BANNER. The guitar strings moving along the person’s fingers is the most unique banner I’ve ever seen.

I love the fact she talked to herself when leaving the train because it’s an everyday thing for a person do that, you know? Well, I do it often so, I think it’s normal but seriously, I love that little mechanism you made Billie do.
Is Billie short for something???

When stating that it was her first time out of Kansas, maybe write how she sees her surroundings? How different is it from England and the United States? How similar are they? How did the people act? How does it smell? Simple things to think about that would make the story more alive than it already is.

I thought it was hilarious of her to think about anything romantic while on this journey. Little did she know…

“After looking through her phone's notes, she entered in the code on the dial pad and a soft buzz hummed while an audible click rang through her ears, and she quickly reached for the door and pulled it open before it automatically locked.” This sentence is a bit awkward and wordy. Why is she looking through her notes? To look for the code?

“He turned to her silently and his brown pools seemed to glare at her for even speaking to him. He didn't reply, didn't comply.” Here I think you could edit it and say, “As he silently turned focused on her, his brown eyes glared at her sharply for the simplest act of just speaking.” Of course, it doesn’t have to be this sentence but something clear and structurally parallel.

But if you think about and you saw Zayn smoking, would you call him out on his habit or just stare at his beautiful face? I MEAN, Y’ALL ARE IN AN ELEVATOR TOGETHER!! YOU COULD DO WHATEVER YOU WANTED BUT INSTEAD YOU INSULT HIM, BILLIE?

Damn, Zayn’s feisty. I did enjoy how you wrote their conversations together. It was feisty but entertaining. I’m all in for love-hate relationships. You have a good one of your hands. Please continue doing what you love.

I need more of this. I love how zayn's character is changing and I am addicted to Billie. Honestly there might have been a bit much vomit in the last few chapters, but your details are spot on. I can't wait to read more.

You know your banner is gone right?

Besides that, I'll be leaving you a comment soon on how awesome your story is since I had to come back and finish it.

Hi, I’m here from my Mibbaween candy bowl. I adore your layout. The red background with the stars is beautiful, and it matches your banner so well. I just realized your title was ‘Tuning’ not ‘Turning’ lol. Tuning makes much more sense. I love your summary. The news reel sucks me right into the story, and I love the imagery right off the bat.

Chapter 1: You never see girls named Billie anymore. I love that name, and the name Bobbie too, but back to the point. Your imagery and use of places to make your descriptions more real is wonderful, and your descriptions in general are pretty good. I don’t feel like you’re shoving words down my throat. I love the line “Maybe I'll have some kind of romantic encounter that will make me a bestseller if I put it to paper? She kidded with herself.” Also, you had one minor grammar thing. ‘d? The more he replayed and relived the past moment in his mind, the more furious he grew. What a bitch, he concluded, thought though he knew he probably had it coming…’

Chapter 2: One grammar thing “ she rolled off and got her bearings as she stood beside it, …” I am loving the side by sides we’re getting in this chapter of the characters. Billie being happy one minute and Zayn being completely void the next. I love the line “Zayn was everywhere, but nowhere all at the same time.”

You did great, and when I have more time I’m coming back to read more of this. I love your style.

Oh Zayn.
I haven't read a One Direction fic in so long. I think your writing is fairly good, but there are bits and pieces that over exaggerate the sentences here and there. It's not a terrible thing, just what we do as writers to try to get the point across when our readers say 'we get it you don't need to do it.' I find myself correcting that all the time.
I think Billie is a little, forward, but that's good for the sense of the story. Pushing each other's buttons. I think the character development is okay as well.

Thanks for entering!
A.

Thank you for participating in my candy bowl.
I am so glad that you actually wanted this story commented on. I really enjoy it, and it's cute and everything. I can't wait to see more. <3

Hi, thanks for participating in my candy bowl!
Chapter one: okay, so I'm a little nervous because I'm honestly not a One Direction fan and not too into fan fic... But so far it seems easy enough to keep up with! I've always loved the name Billie for a girl, and I'm liking that even with a stranger in a totally new place, she's strong enough to stand up for herself.
chapter two: so I totally feel Zayn's pain here. Being empty, knowing you're awful but not being able to make yourself do anything about it, totally understand that. Maybe it's good Billie treats him like he treats her, maybe it'll pull him out of the funk! Still wanna know what happened with him and One Direction here... Wait, did they actually break up or is it an in story thing? I mean I thought they had that one fire heart song but maybe it's not them?
Chapter three: Mrs. Fields is adorable, like I want her to be my grandma. :) I can tell that Billie and Zayn belong together. It's good he's finally seeing her as a person. Mrs. Fields totally knew what she was doing there, I bet the burn wasn't even that bad! Zayn is an absolute sweetheart for taking care of everything like that, I knew he had to have a good side! Excited to see where this goes...
Chapter four: so she finally found out what's so special about him! She's finally seeing him as a real person as well, ahh, it's all happening. I'm glad she's found a friend, hoping I see more of Ashley. And I'm extremely excited to see where they're going!
Chapter five: yes, go Mrs. Fields! She's going to get those two together if it's the last thing she does. Overall I really love this story. I like diving into the mind of someone with so many issues and also seeing how Billie does thrown into a new place like that. It's really well written and I can tell just how much work you've put into it. This is the last chapter I'm reviewing, to be fair to the others who requested on my candy bowl, but I'm definitely reading the rest!

Boo! I'm here delivering a spooky Halloween treat.

Firstly, can I just say that your layout is gorgeous? All of the colours go together so well, and it's just so pleasing to look at. I did giggle a bit at the fact that the summary kind of happened to come true in real life I'm an evil person, shoot me now but all-in-all, it looks super-exciting from the second you go into the summary!

I can relate so much with Billie in the first chapter, oh my lord. Everyone seems to glamourise travelling anywhere but when you've got to drag 2+ suitcases all over the place on top of having about 30 seconds sleep in 48 hours, you don't wanna be all glam. So yeah, crazily realistic there and I am absolutely digging the realistic nature of the story already. It's easy to find a connection between yourself and Billie. I've literally read one paragraph and I've gotten that already. I guess because I've been on a student exchange myself, I can literally get everything that she's saying. You've described it so beautifully, as well. And that interaction in the lift is brilliant, just brilliant. I always got a kind of... I don't wanna say this because someone's gonna jump down my throat but that's the way I always imagined Zayn (who is, to date, one of only two members of One Direction I can point out from a photograph) so I'm kinda excited to see how he evolves as a character in the coming chapters!

With the way they're both acting, I do kind of breathe a silent air of relief that everybody in my flat was nice to one another while I was away! Billie is handling everything with such class, which I 100% would not be doing. I'd have punched Zayn by chapter two, no doubt. However, he does seem to respond to a little bit of authority, so maybe all isn't lost for him yet! I like that he seems to have spiralled downwards since the breakup of the band -- it seems more realistic that he, as a person, would be profoundly affected by it and I like that you've included that. I also like that, despite pretty much hating her at the beginning, he warms up to her slowly throughout the chapters. I've only read up to chapter five so far, but I'm definitely coming back to see where the relationship goes!

In terms of concrit, I can only agree with comments below mentioning how stereotypically 'British' it can be in areas. If I remember geography right I probably don't, then one of my English uni friends lives very close to Bradford when she's home and her pet names go more along the lines of 'duck' and 'honey', as opposed to dearie. I think I've only ever heard one person refer to me as dearie, and it was an older relative. Also, gotta agree with Kayleigh on the A&E thing -- minor burns like coffee spills and burning yourself with baking sheets from the oven tend to be a 'chuck water on it and Savlon the shit out of it' than going to A&E because, depending on the area, you can be waiting hours to see someone. When I broke my toe, I waited about 2 hours to be seen by them, only to tell me that they couldn't do anything. Most Brits'll just opt for DIY-style first aid in those circumstances, which probably explains why I have a gatrillion scars on my forearms from burning myself with trays.

Aside from that, I am absolutely loving this story. It's so down-to-earth, easy to read, wonderfully written and most of all, it's relatable. Your characters are three-dimensional and feel like real people, which is awesome and makes it all the more exciting to read about their adventures. Keep it up!

First of all, this isn't what I think of when I think of a One Direction story because all of your writing mechanics from grammar and flow of story is absolutely amazing. Like honestly, I wasn't expecting something so well written and I was pleasantly surprised.

Second, I really love that even though the story is written in third person, it's stream of consciousness and Billie has an amazing flow of thought. It's a mixture of intelligent and comedic which I absolutely love.

Though Zayn and Billie's dynamic is unique, it's unique in the best way. I adore how he slowly starts opening up to her and I'm totally enthralled with out their relationship starts building and unraveling. I'm only on chapter three and I'm completely taken by this story and you should absolutely keep doing exactly what you're doing.

Oh my god. I can't wait for the next chapter! I'm so happy that Zayn is opening up.

Harry is such a sweetheart. Zayn sticking up for Billie like that was just great. I especially loved what he said about the drink!

I wasn't sure how I was going to feel about this story when I first started reading it, but be honest. I've never really been into One Direction fanfics, but I really like the direction you're going with this. I also find it trippy that you started this story in 2014 and Zayn actually did leave the band this year, aha.

I really like all of your descriptions. I read all of the chapters you have posted, and your descriptions are very consistent and paint a really nice picture throughout the whole story. You've fleshed out your characters nicely so far as well. Billie is so sassy, I love it. I'm hoping we get to find out what's going on with Zayn soon, though. You always talk how dark and depressed he is and it's making me really curious! I'm also really jealous of Billie's set up she has going on. I wish I could get into an exchange program that gives me a fancy apartment in London.

A couple things though. Sometimes thing seem almost stereotypically British, if that makes sense. Which is fine, but it can seem a little forced in certain places, so I'd watch out for that. The dialogue can also seem a little bit...forced. I guess, in places. I think it's mostly when Mrs. Fields is talking, but the dialogue doesn't flow quite as nicely as it could.

I really do like the story, though! I hope you update soon, I can't wait to see what you have planned.

Summary

I thought the summary was interesting. It definitely made me curious to read more - wondering what exactly he did or why he blames himself. I also liked the bit at the start because I thought it was interesting that two years later, media outlets are still talking about the band's breakup (and taking not of that anniversary); it really makes me think that the band's breakup was probably a huge ordeal.

Chapter 1

I really liked the way the first chapter starts off the story. The descriptive writing is enough to give readers a nice picture of the surrounds, Billie's actions and her thoughts, but it's not too much to be overbearing and boring. I also liked that you jumped into the story, rather than waiting for later chapters to have the two main characters meet.

I think Billie's reaction to Zayn was a bit dramatic (maybe over the top), but I feel like that's just going to be a reflection of her personality. Obviously a girl who's never left her state but decides to move across the country is definitely ballsy and probably outgoing, so it all really fits.

Chapter 2

Going into the second chapter, I started to wonder more about Billie's situation. Like I understand that she's an exchange student but I couldn't really piece together how that equated to her getting a swanky apartment and just being able to afford something like that. It just made me really interested in the whole exchange student thing on a university level.

As for Zayne and Billie's budding 'relationship,' even though I know where this is heading, I am curious to find out how they get there. I think that right now their angry meetings is kind of cute, but I hope there's more advancement soon (or at least we get to see more of Billie and Zayne's lives outside of bumping into each other). Can't wait to read more.

[to be continued...]

(I love that you started this in 2014, and this year, he actually did leave the band. )

This is so well written! The descriptions and the dialogue are great. And the character's have such a sense of humanity to them. I love the ups and downs. I do wish that there was a remark from Zayn on how she cleaned up his apartment, but maybe at a later time?

I couldn't stop smiling during the last chapter. Adding Harry was such a great idea, truly.

I'm definitely going to subscribe and even recommend! I hope you update this soon.

Your story is amazing. I am not a fan of One Direction but I could still connect with the characters in the story because of the way you write about them. You describe everyone so perfectly. I wish I could write like you, it is inspiring. The story flows and I love every chapter. Keep up the work, I am a subscriber and avid reader! :)

my heart is breaking as I'm reading this because Zayn left the band today. I'm not sure how to feel, and I'm hoping your story will make me feel better.

First, I have to comment about your chapter three. A&E (Accident and Emergency) is where they would have gone and although Billie is an International student, if her course is more than 6 months then she would be entitled to use the NHS and get free healthcare. Even if she isn't there for more than 6 months, A&E treatment will still be free of charge. But some international students take out health insurance and I'm pretty sure he wouldn't have been able to pay any of that because she would have taken it out before she came over and would be only dealt with by her.

Also I'm curious as to why he went in the examination room with her. Sure, take her to A&E but normally you go in alone and have your company wait in the waiting room for you. It also takes a few hours normally to actually be seen (an hour and a half is normal). And the doctor calling her his bird? I'm not sure about you but I'm pretty sure doctors wouldn't say bird. Not many people like the word bird. I certainly don't. Though if the doctor knew the people closely, I could see the use of bird only if they liked using that word to refer to women. I have to comment that people going to A&E for things like Billie did is what makes the wait so long. A coffee burn, really? Run it under cold water and put some Savlon on and it'll be fine.

The overuse of the word bird is killing me. Mrs Fields does not seem like a person to say bird, not with how she uses dearie.

They get a lot of taxis. All that money they're spending is making me antsy.

To be honest, I really dislike when a story had two characters that didn't hit it off and don't like each other willingly hang out and do things just for the sake of building a relationship between them. Like, I dunno what it's like with other people but most people I know how don't like each other don't agree to go places with the other. This isn't just because of your story, it's because there's so many stories that purposely have their characters constantly bump into one another just because they want them to hate one another to begin with only for a romance to blossom because of it.

Also Billie is really quite a pushover.

Oh my god, Billie you do not take someone to A&E because they're drunk. Really.

I love your writing anyway, no matter whether I like what you're writing about. Your description is great and even though Billie is such a pushover, I can appreciate how that makes up her character and how it develops her. Like, it's part of who she is and doesn't quite seem to be just for the benefit of Zayn (although that's all it's been shown for so far, so this is a premature assumption) which is what makes her more of an actual person because heaven knows there are people who are such pushovers.

Zayn, I'm not too sure about. He doesn't seem quite as solid as Billie and although he is clearly suffering which is why he allowed his life to spiral to crap, he seem quite all over the place, especially when it comes to his thought. He also OVERUSES THE WORD BIRD!!!! Like can I not stress that enough?? It's such a horrible word and I would be so offended if anyone called me a bird.

This is a nice story, written well and with a protagonist who is seemingly real. But it's not something that appeals to me, which is fine as well, because I can see a lot of potential in this and plenty of other people like it. Which is great and I hope you continue with this and mostly enjoy writing the rest.

I can't wait for the next to see what happens. I'm hooked to this story!