Wonder - Comments

Annnd I’m here again as the new host for ‘The Writing Contest’.

Okay, this time I knew it was a Final Fantasy fanfiction! Only because of the name ‘Cloud’ but nevertheless. This time, though, it was okay that I wasn’t familiar with the characters because you focused more on emotions than the actual characters themselves. You put me into Masae’s perspective immediately with an echoing feeling of pain and longing. I resonated with her so much in the sense that she had, what she thought were, unrequited feelings, but I was also able to empathize with the sadness because of how well you wrote it. For someone that’s never self-harmed, it still hurt so much and the power behind this one-shot was impeccable.

I love that Cloud was the one that came to the door. I think it spoke volumes about their relationship as Masae spent so much time convincing herself that Cloud didn’t care, but then he showed up. Then he told her that he didn’t want this anymore. It was a beautiful and poignant moment.

Technicality wise, there were about two errors that really stood out to me, but they were both dialogue tag related.

“Masae, I need to talk to you.” A gruff voice states — The period should be a comma and the ‘A’ should be lowercase since it’s a dialogue tag.

"Please don't hurt yourself again, Masae." He whispered. — Same here. Period should be a comma and ‘He’ should be lowercase.

Other than that, this was well-written. Good job!

Hey!
The layout is so so pretty! I’m awed. I don’t know what fandom this is, and I don’t really know who Cloud and Masae are, but I really love the former. Cloud turned out to be such a hero! I don’t really read drabbles but this one had me. It was short, simple and sweet. Especially the end. It was one heck of an ending.
I don’t really have anything to critique about, except the fact that you never mentioned the fandom. I hope you tell me now. Besides that, your writing is really good. I’ve read a lot of your stories today and I enjoyed all of them. I’m definitely recommending this!
I hope you write a sequel to this haha. That’d be nice to read. :)

Once again I love Final Fantasy, but was this a continuation of the last drabble? Did you change her name or was that a nickname?

Anyway I like the layout, I know I say that a lot, but I do it was a very touching story and it almost made me cry, but you won't get me this time!

So firstly I'll start with the layout. I adore the colours you've used. They're in tone with each other and not distracting like some layouts can be. I really like the style you've chosen.

Oh my god. ::schock: I'm going to need to calm down a little from the cuteness shock I got at the end of this.

I really like the sentence you used in the summary. It's so swallowed in pure sadness, but at the same time it really made me thing about what kind of character this story would be written about. Once I started reading I fell in love with your writing style. Your sentences are so crisp and clean cut, that something I aspire to be able to do.

I felt so sorry for the main character. To feel as if no ones cares like they clearly do must be a feeling that nothing can compare to. I was slightly shocked that they had self harmed. I liked the way at the start of the story you don't really know what the character is doing etc, and then it takes a sudden turn to the worst. I think it was a lovely twist that Cloud did infact care, and for him to be the one actually stopping Masae from doing the worst, I thought that was great.

I really loved this story. It was short and kept my attention throughout, so for that I say well done!

Wow! Usually I'm not really one for drabbles, but this actually caught my eye! I'll start by saying that I most definitely like the layout; the colors blend well and I think it actually plays well on the mood of the piece. And, oh goodness! That's one epic summary you've got going on there; it's very interesting, and it really made me want to read and figure out what the hell was going on. xD You might want to watch your capitalization, though, because 'She whispered' should actually be written as 'she whispered', since it's following dialogue. But that's not a big deal.

The rest of the drabble is just as good, and it's very interesting. I thought it was cool that the summary didn't turn out to be a direct quote from the drabble itself. I found this to be particularly powerful, especially with the opener being something that so many people can relate to, even if they can't relate to the later self-harm. I also like the way she thinks things through, especially the part about listening closely and hearing the clock ticking and the customers downstairs -- it's a nice detail that I'm glad you chose to add.

And, of course, who wouldn't like the ending? It shows that they really do have a bond, not just because he cares but because he obviously knew her well enough to check on her. Like I said, it's powerful.

The only con-crit I can offer is that you might want to be careful with your proof-reading. I think this could use a quick glance-over, because there are a few grammatical/punctuation errors and a few small smelling mistakes. They're all small enough that it wouldn't be a big deal, but considering the piece is so short, they do stand out a little bit.

But still, like I said: I like this peace and I find it powerful. Well done!

This is really well-written. I know absolutely nothing about this fandom but the story made me feel warm and fuzzy inside, there's so much power and emotion in these few words!

And the summary is amazing. I love that quote.

Title/Layout/Summary: The title and layout look good. I like the summary, it makes me interested in the story. I think the "She whispered to him" to him should somehow be changed so she's still whispering but there's also "ask" in the sentence.

Grammar/Spell Check/Improvements: You might work on the beginning. "Zack his best friend and Aeirth the girl he had feelings for" needs commas after both their names. "use" at the end needs to be "used"

Opening: I like the opening a lot. I like how we get inside the narrator's head and read what she's thinking about. I found it relatable that she's wondering about how Cloud would think about her if something were to happen.

Ending: Wow. I wasn't expecting that at all. I was wondering why she was fully clothed in the bath.

Favorite Line: "Please don't hurt yourself again, Masae." He whispered.

Other Thoughts: I like this. As I said before, I found it relatable, wondering how someone really thinks about you, if they do at all. I like how at the end of the story she realizes Cloud does care about her. I like how once again this is mostly just one person until the end of the story. I also like that this is in first person. It helps get in her mind.

Summary / Layout

Once again, I'm not doing any complaining about the layout. I just kind of adore Cloud. A lot. Again, your summary is really interesting and unique and definitely made me want to read on. The inclusion of a little bit of Peter Pan really helped as well because those are two fandoms (even if it is just a quote from one!) I didn't ever think would crossover well and you've added that in and proved me wrong.

Maybe

The sentence structure in this is really broken-up and short, which gives off this wonderful worried atmosphere to the whole piece. I love the way this flows like the broken thoughts of someone because of that. It's almost like all of the thoughts are unarranged and just being thrown down onto paper and I don't know why, but I think that really brings across a slight air of despair, which works so well in the context of this one-shot! It just magnifies the whole emotional atmosphere you've got going on and makes everything so realistic.

And instead of fawning over the technical aspects of your writing, I'm instead going to fawn over how bloody adorable Cloud is. Like...that last little part was so sweet and caring and it was lovely for her to sit and think at the beginning and throughout that Cloud wouldn't care if she died, for him to then come out and say that. I think that was an incredibly sweet and heart-warming touch and it just finished off the piece by going from this melancholy feel to this feeling that she is going to have someone to talk to and someone that cares for her. That was super-sweet and super-adorable.

Concrit

Again, there are dialogue issues but I won't labour the point with them. Here are the only other issues I found:

Zack his best friend and Aeirth the girl he had feelings for. - there should be some form of comma or something in here to break it up. Maybe try something like Zack, his best friend and Aeirth, the girl he had feelings for. I'm not even sure if that works, but something like that might?

I shakeably - I don't think shakeably works there. Perhaps try shakily?

Overall

Another amazing piece! I really like that this shows a side of Cloud that we don't get to see as often as we should, and I like how Masae does get that little bit of comfort in the end. It's not a topic I would have used (again - it's simple things that happen all the time that I just don't think of trying with FF characters) but having these wonderful little scenes where they are normal people instead of trying to save the world from Sephiroth and his borderline insane tenancies that I love so much. Keep up the good work!

It's a very nice piece. Short, sweet, emotion filled.
It's also nice to see that Cloud does care about Masae, despite her worried thoughts. It's relatable to a wide audience, which makes it even better.

Throughout your piece you tend to use a few commas. Switching up some of these and putting periods / full stops in their place will make it flow better and the reader will be able to digest it without having to figure out what you mean exactly. Also, shakeably isn't a word; try shakily instead.

Your stream of consciousness style is unique and one I don't see very often online. It's a breath of fresh air and suits the piece. Drabbles aren't my cup of tea and I admire how you captivate and capture your audience despite the low word count.

I like it. It's simple but effective. Erm... is that a weird way to put it?

But... you take the readers into the persona's head but it didn't sound forceful. I like how each word, each sentence just fit together until the end.

It's perfect!