Pretty Little Slytherin - Comments

Bring this story back please it looks interesting :)

Ooooh this does look interesting!
Especially because its set in the best year ever!
I hope you update soon!

Hey!
The layout is just so pretty. I’m in love with it. And I adore the start of this story and of course our May. She’s brilliant, I can tell. The only thing that is disturbing me is that it’s about Fred, who dies at the end of the series. So, is this going to be a tragedy? Or will May die as well? I’m stupid for being so ‘farsighted’ but I’m just sharing an afterthought, LOL.
I’m still wondering what this girl’s personal mission is. I hope it’s nothing bad. And exactly what is she to be placed in Slytherin? So many questions! I love this through and through. Update soon, I’m recommending and subscribing. Will look forward to this piece! :)

Sorry got taking so long to get back to you!

I really like this so far, May seems tough and self-confident and I love that it's set in year three (my favorite one of the books as a kid). I also like that she's a Slytherin, everyone always makes their OC's a Gryffindor. Overall, very interested to see what happens next :]

Title/Summary/Layout: It sounds interesting. I don't know what a slytherin is. I think "she wasn't" should be "she isn't" since the rest of it is in present tense. :) I like the layout though I'm finding the text a little hard to read, I think that's just my bad eyesight though. v.v

Opening: Hmm, there's a lot of telling rather than showing "played with", "slipped", "smiled" (but that's fine, haha), "making her way". I don't think that's a problem, it's just a little distracting to me for some strange reason.

"Making her way down to the common room she felt alienated from her own House because of her different mind-set"

"Mind-set" should be "mindset". :) I think there also needs to be a comma in between room and she but I could be wrong.

The sentence reads a little strange to me, I think it's because the first word is a verb. Maybe if you changed it to "As she made her way…" it would sound better. I also think it's a bit forward. Maybe you could lead up to that sentence so the reader can get a sort of feel? If that makes any sense.

Hmm, I think "The only reason she was even in Slytherin was because of what she was" should be its own sentence then I think,

"Although she admitted that she could be cold and ruthless, in all honestly, she wanted to be in Gryffindor"

then

"From what she'd seen…" and then have that finish off the last sentence.

These are just suggestions though. I'm not even sure if "Although" should be the beginning word of a sentence.

"Narrow" should be "Narrowed"

Overall: This sounds interesting. I'm not familiar with Harry Potter at all. It sounds like May's been feeling this way for a while. I'm guessing she's new to this school. Would I be right? It sounds like a bit has happened since she's been there with a prisoner escaping. May sounds like she's unappreciated. I'm curious to see how the other characters are. The chapter was pretty short, I'm sort of hoping you'll go into detail of this school and the different sections. Just incase people read this who (I know, I know) don't know who/about Harry Potter.

Ohhh, this looks interesting. I'm rather curious as to what her "personal" mission... and why she was placed in Slytherin.... Hmm, touche'. This has a lovely start!