Daddy's Little Princess - Comments

I am here to comment as a prize goodie from the Phobias Contest

The concept of revenge is always very interesting to read about. It makes it very realistic, that something, that might be silly for some people, it is very important for others just like the approval of a parent. This emphasis makes the story’s conflict realistic, because it has happened one way or another.

I like the idea of creating a piece, explaining the reason as to why her brother wanted revenge just as it is plotted in the sequel. But, for readers who haven’t read All His Fault first might be confusing, because there are not a lot of details described in this story.

A lot of more descriptions, writing deeper emotions and feelings will help tremendously to the understanding of the plot, and it also makes it that more intriguing.

There were some missing commas, that I am sure can be fixed, after revising the story once again. They did not distract me from reading and understanding it, but it is always to have a formal format.

There were a lot of repeated words within lines that didn’t flow in accordance to the meaning of the story. Repetition is a major rhetorical strategy for producing emphasis, clarity, amplification, or emotional effect, but only when synonyms are used. I suggest, if you are going to repeat words within the same lines, use a different form.

Quote

I had worked on the idea for weeks, spending countless hours on it, working on it ever minute I was awake. This idea was going to make my father proud of me for once, for once I would get the approval I so desperately craved.

Two examples of the previous point mentioned will be in this quote.

You repeated worked and working within the same line, giving it the same concept. I would of change that to something like this:

I had worked on the idea for weeks, spending countless hours on it, operating on it every minute I was awake.
Operating is just one of the many synonyms you could use.

This idea was going to make my father proud of me for once, for once I would get the approval I so desperately craved.

To make a better flow, I would have changed it to something similar to this:

This idea was going to make my father proud of me for once, finally, I would get the approval I so desperately craved.

There are just so many options to work with. It is necessary to take time to plan, edit and write. You have great ideas for stories, which are potentially worth it to read. But, planning, revising and editing is as much is important than writing.

I am not trying to be mean or anything. I know a lot of people do not like when they receive constructive criticism, but for me, it is very important, because it lets the writer know what things they are doing great, and which things they can do to make their work better.

I hope this helps.

Good plot overall.

I have to say that this is interesting, and the way you left it off was a cliffhanger for me since I read this first. I'm a little confused about it, and I will have to read the sequel to understand I guess. I think you need to elaborate a little more, but other than that I think this is really good.

I think this has a good concept that came through, but like I said earlier, I wish there was a little more description. Maybe the sequel answers what I'm not getting with the lack of detail. Maybe I'm just a little tired and not getting it. Anyways, with some more description, this will be very good.

I have to say that this is interesting, and the way you left it off was a cliffhanger for me since I read this first. I'm a little confused about it, and I will have to read the sequel to understand I guess. I think you need to elaborate a little more, but other than that I think this is really good.

I think this has a good concept that came through, but like I said earlier, I wish there was a little more description. Maybe the sequel answers what I'm not getting with the lack of detail. Maybe I'm just a little tired and not getting it. Anyways, with some more description, this will be very good.