My sweetheart, Anna, I will gladly take this story's comment virginity and give you my honest opinion over this piece. Be prepared.
I really like the layout even though I don't know if it fits with the story yet, I will tell you after reading it. As for the summary, I think writing a sentence or two of your own after the lyrics of the song, will make your readers more interested.
Chapter 1/1: “I’m leaving,” I muttered. I wasn't expecting that but I still don't know what's going on. You surprised me though with that spoken sentence.
Pain filled her eyes, and tears started to fill her eyes. I suggest re-writing that sentence so that the verb fill doesn't show up twice in one sentence.
It sucks knowing that every day is that we argue and yell at each other. No matter what we do to fix it always ends badly” I'd say changing it to, It sucks knowing that every day alll we do is arguing and yelling at each other. No matter what we do to fix it, it always ends badly”
“I don’t want to be alone.” She pretty much stated that she was with him because she was afraid of loneliness instead of loving him. I know how loneliness feel like and wanting to be with a person even though you don't love them, you might just like them or feel nothing for them at all, so I could really understand where your character was coming from. Good job on that!
The last two paragraphs showed his determination, because even though he knew that much about her and he knew that he would miss her, he still had to walk away in order to feel better with himself. The last two paragraphs are GOLD!
I'm wondering though, why is the girl walking in the banner, shouldn't the man ''said David'' walk away? Just saying.
All in all, I enjoyed this short piece of yours.
______________________________________ I like the second version. The layout fits nicely and the sentence you added in the summary worked to your advantage. You did a good job on the chapter itself, well done sweets!
I will gladly take this story's comment virginity and give you my honest opinion over this piece. Be prepared.
I really like the layout even though I don't know if it fits with the story yet, I will tell you after reading it. As for the summary, I think writing a sentence or two of your own after the lyrics of the song, will make your readers more interested.
Chapter 1/1:
“I’m leaving,” I muttered.
I wasn't expecting that but I still don't know what's going on. You surprised me though with that spoken sentence.
Pain filled her eyes, and tears started to fill her eyes.
I suggest re-writing that sentence so that the verb fill doesn't show up twice in one sentence.
It sucks knowing that every day is that we argue and yell at each other. No matter what we do to fix it always ends badly”
I'd say changing it to, It sucks knowing that every day alll we do is arguing and yelling at each other. No matter what we do to fix it, it always ends badly”
“I don’t want to be alone.”
She pretty much stated that she was with him because she was afraid of loneliness instead of loving him. I know how loneliness feel like and wanting to be with a person even though you don't love them, you might just like them or feel nothing for them at all, so I could really understand where your character was coming from. Good job on that!
The last two paragraphs showed his determination, because even though he knew that much about her and he knew that he would miss her, he still had to walk away in order to feel better with himself. The last two paragraphs are GOLD!
I'm wondering though, why is the girl walking in the banner, shouldn't the man ''said David'' walk away? Just saying.
All in all, I enjoyed this short piece of yours.
______________________________________
I like the second version. The layout fits nicely and the sentence you added in the summary worked to your advantage. You did a good job on the chapter itself, well done sweets!
-Maria. :)