I really like the dark layout for this. It all just seems to go so well together!
You start off with a really strong sentence, I really like that. Instantly, I've got questions about who she is and why the narrator is drawn to her. Definitely a good hook right there. I like that she seems really mysterious and complicated right from the beginning because again, it just gives me more questions about her and keeps me reading.
Wow, the escort bomb was quite a surprise! Again, she's got this air of complete mystery to her (accentuated more by the fact that I still don't know her name) and when she drops little things about her life, it just makes me want to know more about her. I love mysterious characters and she's one of the kinds of characters that I'd just to get inside the head of.
I was kind of expecting a soppy ending on this, but I actually really liked the ending! I'm not really one for happy endings in romance, so it was really nice to see you do something completely different and have her leaving him as coldly as she did. I wasn't expecting it and it works really well in context with the rest of the story.
I didn't really see anything I could critique. I mean, school's yard sounds a bit unusual to me, I'd say schoolyard but I don't know if that's just a culture thing or not. All-in-all, a great piece! Well done!
You start off with a really strong sentence, I really like that. Instantly, I've got questions about who she is and why the narrator is drawn to her. Definitely a good hook right there. I like that she seems really mysterious and complicated right from the beginning because again, it just gives me more questions about her and keeps me reading.
Wow, the escort bomb was quite a surprise! Again, she's got this air of complete mystery to her (accentuated more by the fact that I still don't know her name) and when she drops little things about her life, it just makes me want to know more about her. I love mysterious characters and she's one of the kinds of characters that I'd just to get inside the head of.
I was kind of expecting a soppy ending on this, but I actually really liked the ending! I'm not really one for happy endings in romance, so it was really nice to see you do something completely different and have her leaving him as coldly as she did. I wasn't expecting it and it works really well in context with the rest of the story.
I didn't really see anything I could critique. I mean, school's yard sounds a bit unusual to me, I'd say schoolyard but I don't know if that's just a culture thing or not. All-in-all, a great piece! Well done!