July 14th, 2017 at 08:51am
First off, I really loved the summary. I thought it set up Molly's character really nicely and it hooked me in right away. I think describing all the different parts of her and then saying she was Molly was a great way to end it.
Even though this is only a oneshot, I thought you did a fantastic job at showing all the different layers of Molly and Zacky's relationship. It was incredibly complex, from both Zacky's and Molly's point of view and I was really impressed with how you were able to show the struggles they were both having individually as well as within the relationship. I feel like when characters have eating disorders, the other people around them really tiptoe around the situation, but at some point people have to break and I thought it was really realistic how Zacky had that moment of I miss the old you.
There were a few grammar errors throughout the story, so I would suggest just going back through and fixing those up. Other than that, though, this was a fantastic story. Great job!
I’m actually really impressed with how much you managed to capture in a one-shot. You put years and years of emotions into this. Hell, you put all of that in just the summary with how you described Molly as being an enigma and how Zacky felt about her. You wrote about their struggles both as individuals and in their relationship so I better connected and understood the problem. I enjoyed how you kept reiterating that this version of Molly was not someone Zacky could take home, despite his love for her. It created such a tense friction between them, especially when Molly was becoming more and more aware that Zacky didn’t really want to introduce her to his family. I ended up feeling bad for the both of them. I feel like there’s no real good solution to the problem so I kind of feel like they’re doomed to break-up, but I also really hope that in their little universe, Molly finally gets help.
Though, speaking of that, I also really appreciated how you had Zacky confront Molly about her problems head-on. Like losing control. said, when people are dealing with demons like an eating disorder and such, the other person typically avoids the problem and definitely doesn’t want to talk about it. The fact that Zacky did confront her and even went as far to say “I miss the old you” was very powerful. Molly lying straight up broke my heart, for the both of them. It grounded your characters and made them very realistic.
You did have a few errors, but nothing too major. A quick read-through would catch them, I think. So other than that, you did a great job.