That's When I Love You - Comments

This was just amazing

@ CallusedSilk
Hey, thanks! I appreciate your comment. I did run this chapter through a good friend of mine. She just completed her undergraduate degree in English to become an editor. When I brought the issue of my tendency to write longer sentences up, she said that some writers are simply used to writing longer sentences, that some authors write the same way that they speak, and that, grammatically, she found no errors in that. It's just the way I write! Which is totally cool. I'm not trying to be a professional here. ;) But again, thank you! I always appreciate a comment!

As for the layout, I did take your advice and fixed it! I haven't been on Mibba in a while, so I really did just post this with the only acceptable layout I had! I tend to read stories in the default layout setting, myself, so I often forget how obnoxious certain layouts can be.

Loved hearing from you! I should be posting another chapter soon, so watch out for it!

Okay so, first of all, this story is pretty good so far. Although I'll have to reread it when I have more time. However, my concerns right now are that some of your sentences are run-ons, or at the very least should be shortened. Trust me, I understand the urge to write very long sentences. I have to work on it myself as well.

He’d been staring at his mobile phone, honey-hued eyes so completely fixed on the Samsung Galaxy’s newest update and attention so wholly immersed in the fans’ responses to the season finale (which had just aired the day before, sending throngs of Teen Wolf fans into hysterics, all the while earning the highest ratings for an MTV scripted series in history – no big deal) that, when she’d strode in, messenger bag swinging, dark tresses flying in every direction, he’d nearly ignored her all together.

That sentence is way too long. Also, another issue with this is just the way the layout is formatted. I recommend changing the spacing between sentences, because you have this so crammed together that it becomes obnoxious to read. The letters almost seemed squished together.

Also, be careful of things like all together vs altogether, since all together means just like, everyone at once. Altogether means completely. Also, it's vs its. It's one of those weird things where 'its' is the possessive form.