Început. - Comments

  • n. josten

    n. josten (1270)

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    Ghoul of 2016
    Gender:
    Age:
    24
    Location:
    United States
    I’m here as the new judge for the ‘Pre-Writes #2’ contest.

    This is a really interesting concept, honestly. I’m personally terrified of Ouija boards because I believe in the supernatural and I really don’t have any desire to be messing with it. However, I enjoy my scary movies and horror books nonetheless. I like to live vicariously through other people’s mistakes, clearly. So the fact that this starts with a mysterious gypsy and an Ouija board immediately hooked me in. Then the whole thing with Malphas started and I was definitely curious as to what was happening and going to happen because of the tattoo and then Malphas climbing in her bed and then the whole war thing and it’s been a wild ride. I liked that little glimpse of a caring side in chapter thirteen though.

    I do feel like their relationship developed very strangely and much too quickly? I definitely would not have been too trusting of a demon as quick as Eve was, no matter what my destiny was. So I didn’t really feel that connection between Eve and Malphas whatsoever. It felt very insta-lovey for me, which made it feel really shallow. I would have loved to have instead witnessed a dark, passionate centuries-old romance blossom slowly, a slow-burn, rather than it just happen pretty much overnight. There’s really no… chemistry between the two with how quick you keep developing their relationship, so I’m not feeling it.

    Also—because I believe that your first chapter has to be the big hook, the thing that reels the readers in and compels them to keep going—I feel like you could have combined the first two chapters. I don’t mind short chapters at all, so it’s not that the length bothered me. It’s just that the first chapter, as it is, doesn’t hold any real importance or benefit for the story so there’s no hook to it at all. If I wasn’t reading it for the contest, I’m not sure I would have continued because there wasn’t anything compelling about it at all. It’s literally just Eve at the beach and falling asleep in traffic. You would do better to combine the two to have a more interesting first chapter.

    Like I’ve stated on other stories of yours, I really do feel like you should have someone proofread for you if you write on your phone and it’s difficult to catch all the errors. They are so distracting and make it impossible to create any consistent flow whatsoever in the prose or narrative. There’s just so many spelling and grammatical errors strewn about that I couldn’t focus on the actual plot as much as I wanted to. On top of that, a lot of your sentences are redundant. You have a tendency to repeat yourself or use the same nouns either in the same sentence or so in such close vicinity that it just reads awkwardly.

    Other than that, I thought you really did have a lot of potential with this. I’m still definitely intrigued with the entire concept of a war between the king and prince of Hell. It makes for a really interesting story that could be really great!
    July 15th, 2017 at 09:16am
  • Albluerose

    Albluerose (205)

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    Member
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    28
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    United States
    @ Lady Nikki Nightmare
    Thank you, I'm glad you like it. I write from my cell phone so catching all the errors is a bit hard. But when I get the chance I will go through it again :)
    October 6th, 2015 at 12:09am
  • Lady Nikki Nightmare

    Lady Nikki Nightmare (215)

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    NaNoWriMo 2015
    Gender:
    Age:
    29
    Location:
    United States
    I am in love with your banner. That creepy thing is fantastic for the tone I think you’re going for after reading your summary…which also pulled my interest. In your first sentence, there should be a period between rocks and there. It’ll definitely make that sentence flow better. The first chapter has some amazing descriptions, beautiful imagery, but it also has a lot of little grammar things toward the end. At one point you said ‘turn the radio one’. I love when you get to the ending of the second chapter. The drama you’ve created is palpable. My only problem with your story is also my only suggestion. It’s hard to read when there’s a lot of mistakes in the writing, so if you be sure to go back and glance over your chapters just a little… this story would be incredible. (Examples: The second chapter first paragraph has ‘within seconds of behind home’ and ‘They both started at me…’ when you mean ‘being’ and ‘stared’)
    October 5th, 2015 at 07:59pm
  • LiacideXIII

    LiacideXIII (100)

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    Member
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    25
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    United States
    ohhh kinky! :3 I can't wait for moreeee :3 I'm glad she has come to her senses
    January 4th, 2015 at 10:53pm
  • Albluerose

    Albluerose (205)

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    Member
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    Age:
    28
    Location:
    United States
    @ Forgetful-Insomniacs
    I'm glad you like it :)
    January 4th, 2015 at 12:02am
  • Forgetful-Insomniacs

    Forgetful-Insomniacs (100)

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    Member
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    23
    Location:
    Christmas Island
    This it's awesome and I WAS EXPECTING HORROR I am actually quite glad it's not to be honest...well I Its more a matter of perception (says the horror enthusiast) seriously this is good
    January 3rd, 2015 at 11:24pm
  • LiacideXIII

    LiacideXIII (100)

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    Member
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    25
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    United States
    No way, her friends and Malphas can't do this to her! Seriously, with everything happening they are going to leave her like that?! UGHHH
    January 2nd, 2015 at 05:10am
  • LiacideXIII

    LiacideXIII (100)

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    Where has he been?! AHHH what is happening!?
    December 30th, 2014 at 10:13pm
  • LiacideXIII

    LiacideXIII (100)

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    Where has he been?! AHHH what is happening!?
    December 30th, 2014 at 10:12pm
  • Albluerose

    Albluerose (205)

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    Member
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    United States
    @ timel0rd_
    Thank you. I'm going to work on getting someone to edit it for me :)
    December 30th, 2014 at 02:19pm
  • tchalla

    tchalla (100)

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    Member
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    Age:
    24
    Location:
    United Kingdom
    Despite the fact that there are some errors in this story, I really enjoy reading it. I hope you update soon!
    December 29th, 2014 at 08:02pm
  • LiacideXIII

    LiacideXIII (100)

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    Member
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    Age:
    25
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    United States
    this just got very and quite interesting! :3
    December 28th, 2014 at 08:59pm
  • LiacideXIII

    LiacideXIII (100)

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    Member
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    25
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    United States
    Ohhhh he is protecting her now, in all his glory.
    December 27th, 2014 at 06:57pm
  • LiacideXIII

    LiacideXIII (100)

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    Member
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    I don't know how to feel about him O.o I want to like him but he makes it difficult!
    December 27th, 2014 at 07:22am
  • LiacideXIII

    LiacideXIII (100)

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    Member
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    25
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    United States
    I don't know how to feel about him O.o I want to like him but he makes it difficult!
    December 27th, 2014 at 07:22am
  • LiacideXIII

    LiacideXIII (100)

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    United States
    O_O she slapped the demon....and he is gonna keeel her O_O aHHHH
    December 27th, 2014 at 04:15am
  • LiacideXIII

    LiacideXIII (100)

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    Member
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    25
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    United States
    O_O she slapped the demon....and he is gonna keeel her O_O aHHHH
    December 27th, 2014 at 04:15am
  • LiacideXIII

    LiacideXIII (100)

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    Member
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    United States
    I really hope you update this soon,
    i really do like it! :3
    December 26th, 2014 at 08:01am
  • risque;

    risque; (100)

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    22
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    United States
    I was always the stupid person curious about Ouija boards. I've never touched or seen one, I'm pretty sure my dad would have my head if he saw one in the house. But this is really great! It's different from any other supernatural story I've read, and I love dark themes. There were a couple errors I saw, but I subbed, great work!
    July 16th, 2014 at 04:28am
  • hellsbelle

    hellsbelle (100)

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    Member
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    Age:
    25
    Location:
    Great Britain (UK)
    Amazing!
    July 16th, 2014 at 04:04am