The Tragic Life of Myriella Nelson - Comments

  • n. josten

    n. josten (1270)

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    I’m here as the new judge for the ‘Pre-Writes #2’ contest.

    I’m going to preface this with: I don’t read incest. I don’t read anything that even has implications towards future incest. It’s just one of those subjects that don't appeal to me on any level—mostly because I have siblings and I’m not comfortable with the idea of it. I’m not sure if that’s actually where this story is going, but there are a lot of hints that suggest it’s going to escalate into something more later in Myriella’s life. The title seems to kind of allude to that, as well. The first chapter held this air of naivety and innocence, so although the kiss seemed a bit strange to me (given the age difference alone), it didn’t really mark any red flags. It was definitely the second chapter that basically confirmed what I thought.

    I do like that this story has religious undertones. You talk about religious innocently and casually without it being the focus of the story. It adds a certain depth to Myriella as a character and sets a tone for the rest of the story. With lines like “God was crying for the evil that exists in the world”, it feels an awful lot like foreshadowing. It also makes it very relatable because growing up, my parents used to tell me that thunder was God bowling because it would scare me. It made me a bit nostalgic and made it easier for me to connect to Myriella, even as a six-year-old girl. You’re definitely shaping her up to be a very realistic and grounded character with her little quirks.

    Overall, although this isn’t really my kind of thing, I think you have a story with good potential. There’s a lot of promise for angst, heartbreak, and—as the title implies—tragedy whilst writing about something extremely taboo.
    July 16th, 2017 at 10:29pm
  • Linked

    Linked (100)

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    The first line, “I still remember when he took my first kiss” was a little cliché. The chapter itself seemed kind of unnecessary – Nothing of overt interest really happened. I think you could’ve just incorporated the memory into a chapter focused on the present day as opposed to making it stand alone. I liked the line, “crying my heart out like the skies did”. Your writing flowed quite well, and I didn’t find any awkward sentences except for, “A soft peck, almost the same like (as) mothers”.
    October 28th, 2014 at 05:58am
  • nearly witches.

    nearly witches. (15250)

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    Content

    I don't think I've read something that has the idea of religious undertones throughout, but doesn't actually focus heavily on a religious plot-line, so that's really interesting. In a way, it makes the narrator quite unique because on Mibba, I don't really see many characters that actively talk about their religion in the way that your narrator does this.

    You've got this really innocent air throughout this chapter as well, which I love. It fits in with the whole idea of the narrator recalling childhood memories and you've got wonderfully simple little things such as the favourite pyjamas and the idea that the rain is God crying. My grandparents actually used to tell me that (along with thunder being God moving his furniture about) when I was younger to calm me down, so that instantly gives me a personal connection and pulled me even further into this. Your narrator, even though it's just a first chapter, is already shaping up as a very realistic and three-dimensional character even from the very beginning.

    Concrit

    I didn't see anything worth mentioning!

    Overall

    This is a good introduction! You set up the idea of that first kiss being so innocent, much like the memory and as a starting chapter, it works wonderfully. Good job!
    August 22nd, 2014 at 10:47pm
  • Mr. Darcy

    Mr. Darcy (16090)

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    First off, I love how the mother told the girl that storms were God crying because it really shows how developed you've made the characters in terms of their beliefs, especially this early into a story. It's something that many people struggle with even if they're halfway through their story. So it's great to see that straight away.

    Also, I like this line - "God was crying for the evil that exists in the world" - because even though there's only one chapter so far, it seems like it might end up being an incest story and for most religious people, that is a terrible evil to be committed and can damn a soul to the pits of Hell because not only because of the impure thoughts, but also the impure actions against a blood-family member.

    Despite this appearing to develop into an incest story, the kiss her brother gave is one that is so innocent. You normally wouldn't really think much of a brother kissing a sister, and although on the lips might not be the conventional place for a kiss to be placed, it's not normally an action to cause red flags to be raised. It's just an innocent, comforting action that did its trick by helping her deal with the storm and allowing sleep to wash over her. So, despite it probably being the gateway into what's to come, it wasn't something that was malicious which is good. However, the age he is at could be cause for concern if anyone found out...although it probably wouldn't be too damning because of them being family and the family love that siblings are supposed to harbour for each other.

    With the title being the "tragic life" of her, I can only but dread what it to come for her that will make it so tragic. Of course, her brother giving her attention like that, and with being the first kiss (which insinuates that there will be more to come), gives some indication as to why it will be so tragic but I have a feeling more things will happen that will make it a bit more tragic for her.

    The chapter is a good introduction. It sets the scene, highlights what is to come all the while remaining childish, as to emphasise how she is recalling a memory from when she was six years old. It's a real good starting point.
    August 10th, 2014 at 02:18am
  • DevilboyKyle

    DevilboyKyle (100)

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    This is looking good. Update soon.
    June 21st, 2014 at 11:19pm
  • DevilboyKyle

    DevilboyKyle (100)

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    This is looking good. Update soon.
    June 21st, 2014 at 11:19pm
  • CrimsonSlave

    CrimsonSlave (100)

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    Where to start and where to end????

    I adore the layout, the colors and gif work together nicely. They gray purple text in your poem kind of shows that this story will be tragic like the title it has but the red intense color shows that things will be heated up. I hope I prove myself correct, lol.

    Your idea of playing with the lyrics proved to me a great one cause even though I don't like that band, I just cant turn my eye from your poem. Iit's so beautifully wrtten and it flows together. By the way, are the words in the poem spoken from the brother? I was curious so I thought I would just ask. :D

    As for the chapter itself, it was a good one. The narrator at a really young age, the tender age of six and a sort of start to this incest story. Keep it up.
    June 17th, 2014 at 12:05pm
  • camelopard

    camelopard (100)

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    That summary featuring The 1975 lyrics, ohmygod.

    On the other hand, this story is perfection. All of your stories are. I am never disappointed with you writing. tehe
    June 13th, 2014 at 01:40am
  • Chairman Meow

    Chairman Meow (925)

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    First of all, the layout is utterly beautiful! And the poem too! I'd always envied your poem-writing ability. You're just so talented with words! In Love
    Quote
    I had hid under the covers, crying my heart out like the skies did.
    That little line is probably my favorite. It just fits, you know.

    Is this an incest story? Weird I don't read much incest to be honest.

    But... that aside, I do think your writing style is beautiful and your description is also flawless. Clap
    June 12th, 2014 at 06:24pm