July 2nd, 2014 at 08:30pm
There was something I noticed about this story straight away when I glanced at it and that was the single spaced format that the story is written in. Normally, published books are single spaced as they can utilize the tab key, but writing sites like Mibba can't utilize that so single spaced stories are a bit hard to read. Perhaps it could be just my bad eyesight but I did find this story a little bit hard to read because it was single spaced. Even with a centered font, it's still very hard to read because the words still do tend to blend together. In the future, my advise would be to use double spaces between your paragraphs instead of just single spaces. ^.^
After I read the story, I was left a little confused. The story seemed very fast paced and rushed to me. There was a lot of time skipped frequently in the chapters, particularly in the second chapter, that it made me a little confused and I ended up reading the second chapter again to make sure I was understanding things how they were meant to. I also felt Ayden's situation was a bit unrealistic at times. The sex slavery threw me off a lot because it's not very realistic that Ayden would be allowed to roam freely like that if he had been forced into slavery. When writing severe problems into a story, it is best to remember realism no matter what the genre is because a lack of it can really turn a reader off. I'd also advise to remember the pace of a story. Remember the details and descriptions are often keys to a balanced plotline.
Overall, I do think your story had a good premise to it. The premise like the one this story has is very often used in slash/femmeslash stories but it is often one that can work well no matter how common because it can be done in so many different ways, and the way you tackled it is actually not one I've seen too often on Mibba. So I do like the plotline you have going for the story and how you chose to go about it, this story does have the potential to be a full length one that is very good. You did very well one this story. ^.^
Content
You've chosen a really difficult topic to tackle and I do really commend you for it. I couldn't ever consider writing about this stuff because I just don't have the talent to pull it off. You seem to have done your research though and you've definitely put a lot of emotion into this. I do agree with Airi. that the situation does seem rather unrealistic at times, but I'm not fully familiar with this sort of stuff myself to begin with, so maybe the realism isn't what I should be looking at. Your characters so far seem really interesting - you really get a feel for them throughout the piece, which is interesting. It does rush on a little too much for me - everything seems to happen so fast. Honestly, I think a good idea for this piece would be to flesh it out into a fully-fledged chaptered piece. It certainly has the potential to be a really interesting, insightful and heart-wrenching piece if it were developed a lot more and happened gradually over several chapters.
Concrit
I have two specific things to mention here. The first has already been mentioned below; the formatting. Mibba's rules state that all stories should be formatted correctly using the double-space format. So for instance, taking a chunk of your story to use as an example, this is how you should be formatting your work:
'll still hang out," Jodi told him before she graduated. Leaving university forever.
"Promise?" He asked
"Of course!" She told him, hugging him. Her bones hitting him hard. Jodi was anorexic and a druggie, she smoked weed more then she ate, slept and drank. Ariel was her girlfriend who wasn't anorexic but a little over weight.
It spreads everything out and makes it very easy to read as well as keeping your story good under Mibba's guidelines.
The second thing is more of a minor grammar niggle than anything. When writing dialogue, you should ensure that the dialogue tag (he said, she said, etc.) is put in lower caps if directly liked to what the person has just said. For instance, in your second chapter, you have "Please, help me find a good one," He begged, which should actually be "Please, help me find a good one," he begged. It's literally a tiny thing that isn't too difficult to get into the habit of once you do it a few times!
Overall
You do have the bones of a good story present. It's difficult to keep these sorts of things realistic, especially when you've got a lot going on in the story, but you seem to have a fairly good grasp on it. Your plot is interesting and it touches on some really vital issues. Nice job!