D.T.M. (Dead to Me) - Comments

Hello! I'm also here as a judge for the LGTB Pride contest!

Content

I like how you start this by throwing the reader right into the centre of the story. The shortness of the first couple of sentences just gives everything this urgent feel that continues on through the piece and it really does set the most fabulous atmosphere for what happens in the second section.

I think it's a really sad reality that this happens to many when they come out. Maybe not the physical aspect, but the lack of care and attention and also the lack of acceptance. I know it'd be a shock to those involved, but it's not something that changes who a person is, y'know? The way that Clint's father reacted absolutely horrified me (your description is wonderful in that sense) but what made me the most upset was realising that this has probably happened to more than a handful of people and it's a really serious issue that you've touched upon there. Most people struggle to write a piece that deals with something as dark as this, but you've done a really good job.

Concrit

The one thing I do have to mention is your formatting. In line with Mibba's rules, all paragraphs and pieces of dialogue should have a blank line between them. I'll use an example from your story because it's virtually impossible to explain otherwise. The content following the first piece of dialogue should be formatted as following:

"Mom," his voice cracked lightly. He'd blame that one on puberty and not nerves.

"I'm gay."

The silence that filled the room was deafening. Barney had paused his game and was looking over at Clint. His Mother wore a shocked expression. Worried but shocked. It was his Father's reaction that scared him the most. His face was pure anger.

"You're what?"

Not only is it part of the rules but as Airi. stated, it can be difficult to read if everything is in the one block. Fixing that one little thing makes your piece that little bit easier to read.

Overall

Honestly, the only issue I do have with this is the formatting. You've done a really good job with such a dark subject matter and you've got an eye for good description. In some areas, it did seem a little bare but you more than make up for that in other areas. Awesome job!

Hello~ I'm a judge from the Magazine's LGBT Pride contest.

The first thing that I noticed about this story when I first glanced at it really was the format of the paragraphs. The way the paragraphs are single spaced is always fairly hard to read on any Internet site, even when the font is centered. Many writing sites use the double space format for paragraphing because it is easier on the readers eyes. I do have bad eyesight so it probably plays a factor but I did find it fairly hard to read this story without getting confused or losing my place, even if it was a short story. In the future, I would recommend using double spaces with your paragraphs rather than single spaces at it would be easier for your reader to read.

With that said, I did like this story. You touched on a very heavy subject and a problem that many LGBTQ people still face to this day. The reality of a parent not accepting them and even going as far as to physically harm them is far too much of a reality in our day and age. It's something that is touched a lot in slash stories but here, I feel like you did it very well. Your descriptions and analogies were key to how well you were able to pull it off; you really do have a talent for describing things.

I think my favorite line in the story was It was too quiet, while at the same time every once in a while he could catch the ticking of the clock in the living room and every tick tick tick was like a bomb going off. This single sentence really nearly perfect describes the way it feels for many people to come out to their parents. The silence and the simple sounds that shouldn't mean much make you more anxious and scared. It was a very eloquent and nice way to describe how the air feels for many LGBTQ people in these moments.

The story as a whole was a very heavy one to read and I think you really did pull it off very well. Overall, the story was a good read and it is one that has the potential to be adapted into a full story if you have any inspiration for doing so. You did very well on the story.

@ The Real Mitt Romney

Thank you so much! That actually means a lot because I've never been in a situation like this, I've only read about it. and that's fine every story has it's off points; I'll bear it in mind next time and I'll definitely bear in mind that last paragraph when I write another story like this (tbh I've had ideas for a Harry Osborn one-)

Yea I can see how that would sound in my head... Definitely better.. I might change that over.

Well, once my work load isn't that big.. I'll consider a story like this. I wouldn't mind writing that at all.

Thank you so much ^^

Overall, I liked it. The way you portray Clint's emotions are developed enough for me to understand how he's feeling, since I have never been in a situation as this. In certain parts it seems you are telling more than showing. For example, his face was pure anger and only the slap against his cheek. If you left if at his father's reaction scaring him the most and Clint feeling the stinging pain it would flow a bit better, but that's just my opinion. Don't take that to heart, because it doesn't affect the entire story, just that little bit.

The last paragraph is most definitely the strongest part. It was written with a nice flow and I could read it fast + realise he was being beaten almost savagely. And the last few sentences of the story we're perfect! At the end you do such am amazing job showing.

As for errors, I only saw one. "Clint woke with a start", I think that should be startle? Or with a fright?

I like that I can see a clear mental shift, from confident to as low as ever. The way you showed how much the beating and the comments affected him was brilliant. My favorite sentence has to be "he was just a faggot" because it's the epitome of that shift. I can't relate to the abuse but that shift is what makes me love this. He was shot down and literally beaten, and it seemed that his emotional state was worse than his physical by the end.

And "a disease"! That's actually my favorite part. I was a perfect word. Such a negative connotation, it works wonders to implore the emotions you want the reader to experience.

I'm a little sad that this isn't a full out story I love Clint Barton heaps, and I like how you're using him!