November 30th, 2014 at 05:26am
I'm here judging the one-shot entries for my pre-write contest!
My knowledge of Avenged is literally that the guy in the banner is Zacky so I apologise in advance if I make any stupid remarks about things that 'd know if I was in the fandom.
I got the feeling from both the summary and just the first little bit about the wedding invites that something was going to go down. I didn't think this was going to have a happy ending and I really like that you had that feeling of unease going right from the start. The second you wrote about the car hitting Liza, I knew it wasn't going to be a happy ending and for some reason, I'm kind of glad about that. I've seen stories like this turn out perfectly and that's often not the case for the majority of real-life situations.
The wedding was just so heartbreaking though. Knowing that she wasn't going to make it much longer than the wedding, it's kind of horrible to read through it because you know the pain that Zacky will be going through afterwards.
I noticed a spelling error whilst I was reading -- tattooes should be tattoos. Also, if you're talking about a male, it should be fiancé. Aside from that, I didn't notice any other errors! Lovely job!
I wasn't a fan of the actual hit-and-run scene. It was very clinical, and in a way that I didn't really feel anything about it. What might have worked better is adding a scene-break (***) and narrating as if it had already happened. Maybe something like, "She was found in a heap twenty feet from where she'd been hit," with lots of short sentences. It adds for suspense, and forces the reader to pause and process.
The second half was beautifully done. I can't imagine what kind of pain Zacky was in, going through with the wedding, but it was so sweet. It was so plain the depth of his love for her, and really heart-breaking.
Great job and good luck in the contest!