Disenchanted - Comments

  • poison and blood

    poison and blood (100)

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    I'm not sure if you were having him speak in the third person, but Tim Armstrong is the one nicknamed Lint.

    Your grammar seems a little off, and you've used the word "effect" wrong in the last chapter. It should have been "affect". Other than that, overall you're building up solid characterization and you seem to have a distinct and successful plot.

    I will say that adding Billie Joe's ("He", but we all know. And "She" is a OFC.) part was not really to your benefit. It seems like you were trying to give him a better name since he appeared as a total dick in her perspective. Having his insight was crippling because it took away from the aspect of the story and bores the reader in terms of suspense and emotion. Billie still loves her blah blah blah and now we're just waiting for him to show up. Adding "Objects in Mirrors" after you've finished "Disenchanted" would've been much more effective for you.
    August 1st, 2014 at 09:53pm