July 4th, 2017 at 09:14am
I want to start off by saying that I think you created something quite interesting. I liked the progression and development of the piece. I think that is somewhere that you excelled in. You created a piece that felt complete with such a little amount of words you had, you told a complete story. I think part of the reason was because you wrote in second person, which is really hard to do. I think second person is a challenge because it throws the reader into the story and the reader feels like it's them. In my opinion, this both enhances and hinders the reader experience. However, I think you did that nicely and I'm glad that you wrote in this manner. I think that you did a nice job there. I think content wise you also did a nice job. You did create something that was deep and meaningful. I think that it wasn't too heavy and you did create something really well thought out. I think you did have a nice amount of inspiration going into this.
At times I felt a little disconnected to the piece emotionally. I'm not sure why I did, but at moments I felt like there was a disconnect, which is odd because I felt that there was so much emotion in it. Also, there were some grammar errors that took away from the fluidity of the piece. I think that had you just edited a hair more you would have noticed those errors. They weren't huge errors, however, it did disrupt the flow. An example is the section of questions, they didn't end with question marks, rather they ended with periods and that made me feel like that should not have been an oversight.
I think that you did a nice job overall. I'm happy I was able to read this piece.
God, I love second person so much. It has the potential to be so raw and powerful and has a way of immersing the reader into both the story and the character in a unique way. And you didn’t disappoint. I felt so much pain and longing in every line, but I also felt love and the narrator’s reluctance to accept that love. I wanted to know what the narrator had possibly done that put this rift between them and him. I just wanted a happy ending for the two characters and you literally gave me just barely more than 200 words with them. Ugh.
You did have a couple of spelling errors (i.e. figthing beside and why some tears feel from his eyes) but nothing that hindered the flow or my ability to understand. Though, I did think that each line that started with “Why” should have ended with question marks rather than periods as they read like the narrator questioning, not stating.
Other than that, I loved every bit of this. Very nice job.