Lilith: Queen of Darkness - Comments

Here to comment as a prize goodie for the Phobias Contest

First, I love the title of this story, it is what caught my eye mostly. The layout is beautiful, and goes perfectly well with the genre of this piece. Red gives it a stronger connection to the theme of darkness.

I am very intrigue about the first chapter, because it gives a great introduction of a potential great plot. It makes me predict many things, that could happen, such as having the opportunity to know how will the daughter feel, through the whole process of trying to be her mother, The Queen of Darkness. Will she manage to accept her position? Will she be better? Will she love/hate the fact, that she will be in constant comparison with her mother? So many questions run my mind, inferring about the story, which makes me very motivated to read and to see where it goes.

I’ve noticed some sentences are written repeatedly in a way, and it sort of threw me off. I believe, changing some of the words, will make them flow much better.
I wore the clothes she had prepared for me all those years ago. The lowly demons prepared it for me and dressed me up as I stood in the middle of the room naked.

When the line continues after the period, it is evident, that you are writing about the same person. There’s no reason to repeat, that the clothes were prepared for her, having it mentioned in the first line. Also, it’s a big confusing, when you mention in the first line, her mother prepared the clothes, but in the second line, the demons did. Who really did it?

If in this case, you were trying to describe that the mom made the clothes, and the demons prepared the clothes for her to wear that moment, maybe using a synonym for prepare, and detailing exactly the meaning will be helpful for understanding.

I remember how she was combing her long, straight raven hair by pulling her hair to the side and watching her reflection in the mirror.
In this line, repetition was once again used. It is evident, that the narrator is talking about her mother’s hair, when she mentions I remember how she was combing her long, straight raven hair…, so I don’t think it is necessary to repeat the noun of the same line. Instead I would use the pronoun, that substitute the noun in that line, and it will have a better flow to it.

I remember how she was combing her long, straight raven hair, by pulling itto the side, and watching her reflection in the mirror.

There were many commas, missing. Commas help your readers figure out, which words go together in a line, and which parts of your lines are most important.

I am sure with another reading glance, you can edit and add them. Most are necessary, so the reader can pause and peruse in the way the narrator “speaks”, instead of reading in a hurry, without stopping or understanding.

Overall, this so far is a great plot, and with revision will make a great written story.

MA chan I really love you for writing this!
Idk what Lilith actually is, but from your descriptions, she sounds wonderful and intimidating and powerful...everything a demon should be! Thanks so much for recc'ing this to me, and also, do update soon. I want to see her adventure begin!
I loved the descriptions in this, but what made me completely fall for this was...the author's note! Love love and love that line! So awesome <3 I had no idea you were into such concepts, which is why I tell you, you should definitely check out what I'm writing right now and if you like it. No, please don't think it's a promotion or anything, it's just based off the same concept.
Overall, I'm really excited to read this! Good luck and update soon!

Candy bowl! This is an interesting concept. Demons have always intrigued me and this seems promising.

I really love your vivid descriptions and your layout is hauntingly beautiful. The red background looks like a red and deadly flower that could be found in the underworld. As for the girl in the middle with the title of your story, I think it's great as well! I love the font of the title, it looks medieval and ancient. The fact that you can't see the girl's face is interesting. All you see is her side, with her dark auburn hair and beautiful black dress.

I hope you keep up this story because it's pretty good so far! Enjoy your comment. Happy Mibbaween! :)

(ok I just read checked and you are continuing it! yay!)

Wow, these descriptions are wonderful! And this was so interesting. It definitely hooked me from the start, and I loved how it led up to the ending like that. Is this going to be a full-length story? 'Cause it would be pretty interesting if it was. But leaving like this gives readers room for imagination, which can also be better at times. This was great!

I've always been intrigued by demons....the underworld...legions etc...i'm a bit of an enthusiast if you get me the right amount of drinks (two...more rum less coke) and a full moon. lol.
I love your descriptions. I can picture her walking through the corridor in that black dress. Anxious to see where you take this? yes. Hoping that she goes against the grain at some point...yes again.
Great writing..can't wait for the next chapter! (subscribing too...)

Lilith has interested me since watching supernatural, and so I find this intriguing to see your take on it. As usual your way with words pulls me in, and just the chapter as a whole seems to hold so much behind the words that it leaves me wanting to read more... good job!

Content

I've never been a huge fan of stories about demons, but Lilith always intrigued me, so this is right up my street. I like that the first chapter sets up this preparation for the narrator to take over from her mother as the new Lilith. It's quite an interesting thing to think about, the idea of Lilith not being just one person, but being a bloodline of girls who are raised to take over once the ruling Lilith dies or is otherwise incapacitated. I've always seen Lilith depicted as one person in anything I've ever read, so that really is a unique spin on the story that I think you can take forward well.

Concrit

The only thing I noticed was the line The lowly demons prepared it for me and dressed me up as I stood in the middle of the room naked.. You mention they're dressing her and then mention she's naked, which seems a little backwards to me. Maybe it'd work slightly better as something like The lowly demons prepared it for me and as I stood in the middle of the room naked, they began to dress me up or something in that vein?

Overall

This is a good, strong start to the story and it does make me quite intrigued as to what'll happen as the narrator ascends to her throne as Lilith. Good job!

I'm always intrigued about stories that have demons in or supernatural creatures, but I don't think I come across many that feature Lilith in. Many people don't like her, while some believe that she was Adam's first wife but refused to lie beneath him and others believe she was the first soul that Lucifer twisted after he fell. So I think this story has a lot of promise as clearly it's going to be all about Lilith - or, at least, the newest one seeing as her mother has now died.

Five out of the seven paragraphs began with 'I' which became a bit repetitive and was quite off-putting. I feel like you could have re-worded some of the beginnings so that they're more diverse. I like how you explained how Hell had five gates instead of the one gate that most people assume. It really gives hints of the personalisation that you are doing of the supernatural ideas around Hell, demons, etc.

As it's just the beginning chapter and only shows her journey towards the place where she will be officially welcomed as the new Lilith, there isn't much to comment about. Which is fine, really, as it does a perfect job of setting up the scene for what is to follow - her life as the Queen, her ruling, the change from her mother to her, etc. This shows such potential to be a different, interesting story and I hope that you continue this in the same way (taking in the stuff said above) because then it's sure to be a really good story.

I'm interested right now. Please, keep going! :)