March 9th, 2016 at 09:41pm
Layout / Summary
The layout is really nice, and it's readable so bonus there. The mix of the grey and the pink is lovely. The quote used in the summary really clashes with the calm of the layout though, which makes me excited to read on.
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I love the way that you describe the wedding at the beginning, and Matthew's thought precisely. I always wonder whether whirlwind romances that end in weddings will ever amount to anything good, and I imagine the people going through it might have their doubts, so having him describe the relationship as more of a 'high' of sorts is pretty interesting. It makes you wonder whether any good is going to become of the whole thing. Coupling it with the quote in the summary, I'm actually pretty uneasy as to what's going to happen.
What I like about this story is that you start off with this wedding scene, which should by all accounts be a happy affair, and you spend the remainder of the scene, plus the scene with Alex's parents talking about unease at being married, and the fact that there's a failed marriage in the mix seems to enhance this. Weddings should be happy occasions, so I'm really liking the fact that you've twisted it in such a way that makes the whole thing seem like a waste of time.
The parallels you cut with Alex and his father is this awful, horrible kind of overshadowing, and it makes me really nervous for what'll happen, especially when it comes to the fact that Matthew keeps mentioning these things that make me feel really uncomfortable. At this stage, I'm worried for what he'll do. The line We both loved Alex and that meant neither of us could have him is just really chilling. You get this sense that anybody would say that, but Matthew really seems to mean it. And then when he goes and murders people, whoah. Was not expecting that. I'm going to be perfectly honest, I thought he was going to be abused or something like that. I genuinely thought that was how this was going to go, and it went to complete opposite. It makes for a really good plot twist.
As a final little comment, I'd like to say that the way you finished this is bloody perfect. I love that you kept the father / son likeness up throughout it all, and that last line just tied it all together in a lovely little package.
Concrit
I don't actually have much I can say here. There were a few sentences that seemed run-on ish, due to lack of commas, but aside from that, I didn't see anything major. Some of the sentences are choppy, but in the sense of the story, they actually work really well to create an atmosphere, so I won't even bother pointing them out. I didn't see anything grammar or spelling wise.
Overall
This is a really interesting take on marriage. As I said above, I wasn't expecting the ending, so kudos to you on coming up with an original, inventive approach to the whole thing. The entire thing worked well together, and I really enjoyed reading it. Good work!
I know you're judging a contest, but the comment was absolutely lovely regardless! I'm pleased you think so highly of it, especially considering I don't believe it to be the best as it was written in 2013, originally, in the middle of the night in one sitting, with no proof-reading or anything. :')
I read it over again just there and I suppose it was cleverer than I let myself believe it to be; I was younger, but it's still a good piece, so thank-you for all you said about it!
I based it closely on a song called Why Am I Always Right? by Nightmare Of You, so the murder of Alex's lover and the likeness to his father was expanded on from that, t's a good song, worth a listen!