Sorry it took me so long to comment, I hadn't the time when you submitted your piece!
After reading your piece, I was delighted by the joyful spring of it. The young woman, bogged down by decisions she'd made that she needed to break free from was finally opening back up and out into a new life. I kept imagining a butterfly, as cliche as it is. However, I'll be forth with you; I felt the piece lacked some rather important aspects. I'll break down my opinions here.
The layout is a bit distracting, as the right-justified format is unaesthetic and I believe Comic Sans is a commonly disliked font, and I'm not one to be excluded from this population. I also found it sparse in much needed depth to get the reader attached to her and Jack. It simply felt as if we were being told rather than being given the ability to feel it for ourselves, which is a highly successful authorial tactic.
This all being said, it was in no way boring. I was excited for her an I thought you captured the importance of that night for her very well. Jack also had a strong voice in terms of character, you seemed to have a pretty strong grasp on what type of person he was if you were able to communicate it with the reader in so few lines.
Truly, I did enjoy reading this, and you've written a realistic topic well. I love the ideas you were able to bring forth from such an image, and I was ecstatic that you chose the one you did, as it was a favorite of mine (she's just so sexy! I love her!). and Sailor Jerry? So cute! Perfect job creating her to be the unattainable vixen she is. I smiled when you explained her stark difference to her coworkers at the club. Pin-up is definitely hotter than glitzy stripper.
Terrific job, in the end. However, after scoring the piece based on prior set criterion, you've earned only 13/20. Grammar was a bit off and I explained the other issues above. Remember, though, I really did love this story! It's only so low because I am required to stick to my guns in grading based off the others I've done to be fair. Keep writing!
After reading your piece, I was delighted by the joyful spring of it. The young woman, bogged down by decisions she'd made that she needed to break free from was finally opening back up and out into a new life. I kept imagining a butterfly, as cliche as it is. However, I'll be forth with you; I felt the piece lacked some rather important aspects. I'll break down my opinions here.
The layout is a bit distracting, as the right-justified format is unaesthetic and I believe Comic Sans is a commonly disliked font, and I'm not one to be excluded from this population. I also found it sparse in much needed depth to get the reader attached to her and Jack. It simply felt as if we were being told rather than being given the ability to feel it for ourselves, which is a highly successful authorial tactic.
This all being said, it was in no way boring. I was excited for her an I thought you captured the importance of that night for her very well. Jack also had a strong voice in terms of character, you seemed to have a pretty strong grasp on what type of person he was if you were able to communicate it with the reader in so few lines.
Truly, I did enjoy reading this, and you've written a realistic topic well. I love the ideas you were able to bring forth from such an image, and I was ecstatic that you chose the one you did, as it was a favorite of mine (she's just so sexy! I love her!). and Sailor Jerry? So cute! Perfect job creating her to be the unattainable vixen she is. I smiled when you explained her stark difference to her coworkers at the club. Pin-up is definitely hotter than glitzy stripper.
Terrific job, in the end. However, after scoring the piece based on prior set criterion, you've earned only 13/20. Grammar was a bit off and I explained the other issues above. Remember, though, I really did love this story! It's only so low because I am required to stick to my guns in grading based off the others I've done to be fair. Keep writing!