The Illusion's Edge - Comments

I'm going to pop into story editor mode for a second before I comment on your story: any author's notes should be added in the specific author's note area and not in the story's content itself. If it's something you want the reader to know before they read the story, then pop it into the summary.

I think that in a modern-day world, the way you've portrayed the parents is pretty cool. I know that a lot of my friends have parents that are fairly accepting of any sexuality, but I also know parents that still hold that archaic view where they don't accept it. It's nice to see a mix of that in this. Additionally, the relationship is really adorable and I think it does seem fairly realistic -- I didn't know one of my best friends was gay for years because he didn't want anybody knowing. I only found out in a drunken game of truth or dare, so that idea of Nico wanting to keep everything completely under wraps just makes this seem really realistic.

I'd definitely agree with a few of the comments below when it comes to grammar -- there are certain areas of this piece that need to be looked over again, and a few sentences run on without the use of commas which makes it difficult to ascertain what you're trying to say the first time. I'd give this a read over again and just go through it with a fine-toothed comb for any errors in order to make it even better.

You've got a nice premise for a story starting here. Good luck with writing the rest!

Okay so good things first: I love the plot and story line I was hooked from the start with this story now not so good things... it seems a little rushed to me like there's not enough detail in things and it just makes it hard to get a really good visual effect. Other than that I loove love this story and haate hate that you haven't updated in a year!!

Hi, found this story amongst the crowds of comment swaps needing attention. :) Tiny bit awkward that you know these people but they certainly have a good story to tell. Over all the chapters need description. I was struck by how many times you repeat their names, and how they were doing these things and blushing and being cute but that was it. I don't know, I often use the phrase 'like a time line' to describe how I felt when reading something like this. But what does the school look like? The street, how is the weather? His mother, the living room, the bedroom, what do THEY look like, truly? Stuff like that can help ease readers into a flow of fantasy rather than a list of how they did what they did and such. If you were say... John. How would you perceive the setting around you?

Other than that your cliffhangers were good, made me rather upset this only has two chapters given that Nico might be dead or seriously injured. I certainly relate to the fear of not getting that text back and the terror upon explaining yourself to the authority figure who doesn't know your relation. And I too wish you luck in completing this story. :) It definitely has a sweet sentiment and deserves continuation.

I think it's kinda cute that you're writing a story about some people that you ship irl!

First off, it's a little off-putting having the author's note at the top of the chapter. I think it would be better suited for the summary or the author's note at the end, that way it doesn't break up the flow of the chapter from the get go.

I like that the boys make the relationship work, even though it's clearly a hard situation, and that one of the mothers is really okay with the whole thing.

Watch some of your grammar/spelling/word choices throughout the chapters. Sometimes not having commas or having them in awkward places can break up the flow of the chapter and make it a bit more difficult to read. It's also a little distracting if there's missing words or spelling errors. Getting a beta/editor to look over the chapters might be something to look into!

Overall, good start and good luck with the rest of the story!