Bad Wine - Comments

  • swell

    swell (150)

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    Member
    Gender:
    Age:
    24
    Location:
    Australia
    Hi there, I'm here to judge for this contest!

    I have to say, I enjoyed reading this piece. There's this blunt narration you have going on that really worked for the type of character that Mia is. Personally, I felt like detail could have been used in some places, because at times it felt you were telling me things rather than showing how you felt. For instance, I definitely felt bad for Mia that she went through what she did with Seth, but I didn't really sympathise because all I knew was that she was treated badly, without much feeling or emotion of how she felt. Mia killing Seth however was pretty satisfying, so safe to say that I enjoyed reading this piece because of that. Thanks for entering!
    July 21st, 2017 at 01:38pm
  • inactive;;;

    inactive;;; (210)

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    Member
    Gender:
    Age:
    23
    Location:
    Antarctica
    Before I begin: the white font on the black background is super hard to read and isn't kind on the eyes. I'm not saying you have to change it as it is your story, however it might turn people away from the story.

    Summary:
    I love the summary. While it's short, it made me excited to see what was going to happen within the story!

    One/One:
    I like how you opened the one-shot up. The fact that she loved her man, but by the end she wasn't sure if it was really love he felt for her.
    I'm not surprised Mia reached her breaking point, especially when that point was something as horrible as Seth and his friends did to her. She has every right to have murderous thoughts about the man that hurt her so badly.
    I'm wondering why Seth rang the doorbell if he and Mia live together? That honestly surprised me? Especially if he thinks he has some sort of claim on her, he probably would've just walked right in.
    The paragraph after Seth had left with Mia eating could've been shortened, honestly. I found that it dragged on and kind of disrupted the story.
    I'm wondering why Seth committed suicide? The ending was really confusing to me and I'm not really understanding how it all added up.

    You have a few mistakes littered throughout the story as well as awkward paragraphs. Other than that, and the ending, this was pretty good.
    March 1st, 2016 at 07:09pm
  • n. josten

    n. josten (1270)

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    Ghoul of 2016
    Gender:
    Age:
    24
    Location:
    United States
    Shocked I honestly sat here, staring at the screen just like that. I don't know what I was expecting with the summary, but that definitely wasn't it. It didn't dawn on me what she was doing until she went to the bedroom with her wine and just waited. I knew he deserved it because wow, what a tool and it briefly crossed my mind that he should probably die a horrible death, but I didn't think she'd do it. I was both joyous and horrified when I realized what she was doing and I watched her handle it with such ease. I was absolutely amazed.

    Actually, when it comes down to it, I was amazed with this entire piece. I usually don't like when stories are written bluntly because it usually lacks needed detail and doesn't flow properly, but I have to say that it worked with this. It was blunt, angry, and vengeful. I felt her hit her limit and I could feel her become the calm before the storm. She was so calm and composed; she thought everything through and it was justice served so coldly. Not that I condone murder or anything. lmfao But for the sake of fiction, I loved it and the ultimate revenge.

    There were a couple of things that could have been tidied up technicality wise and a couple of odd sentences here and there, but nothing too major. So all in all, fantastic job and wonderful execution.
    October 17th, 2014 at 08:55am
  • Tipsy.

    Tipsy. (100)

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    NaNoWriMo 2015
    Gender:
    Age:
    24
    Location:
    India
    Hey! I'm here to judge the contest. Cute

    Content
    I really liked the idea of the story. It was well written and nicely executed. It had me hating the guy from the beginning to the end. Towards the end, you had me thinking that the girl should actually kill the guy. And she did, which again, brought forth both horror and happiness. I thought she'd be caught, and when she wasn't, I was again happy and bewildered. It just made the police look stupid...
    Anyhow, I really like your writing style and the concept of the story. The bluntness of the narration was another one of its charms.

    Errors
    There were a few minor mistakes that I noticed.
    1. "but it got the point where his love for me was twisted, if you could ever possibly call that love." There should be a 'to' between 'got' and 'the'.
    2. "I sat to the other side as he grabbed his spoon and starting eating the well-made spaghetti." It has to be 'started' instead of 'starting'.

    Overall
    I enjoyed reading this. The summary was intriguing and the story had a nice conclusion to a horrible turn of events. I was happy that Mia was strong, and she managed to pull through all the crap. Very nicely written. Keep it up!

    Cute
    September 24th, 2014 at 04:50pm