July 21st, 2017 at 01:38pm
Before I begin: the white font on the black background is super hard to read and isn't kind on the eyes. I'm not saying you have to change it as it is your story, however it might turn people away from the story.
Summary:
I love the summary. While it's short, it made me excited to see what was going to happen within the story!
One/One:
I like how you opened the one-shot up. The fact that she loved her man, but by the end she wasn't sure if it was really love he felt for her.
I'm not surprised Mia reached her breaking point, especially when that point was something as horrible as Seth and his friends did to her. She has every right to have murderous thoughts about the man that hurt her so badly.
I'm wondering why Seth rang the doorbell if he and Mia live together? That honestly surprised me? Especially if he thinks he has some sort of claim on her, he probably would've just walked right in.
The paragraph after Seth had left with Mia eating could've been shortened, honestly. I found that it dragged on and kind of disrupted the story.
I'm wondering why Seth committed suicide? The ending was really confusing to me and I'm not really understanding how it all added up.
You have a few mistakes littered throughout the story as well as awkward paragraphs. Other than that, and the ending, this was pretty good.
I have to say, I enjoyed reading this piece. There's this blunt narration you have going on that really worked for the type of character that Mia is. Personally, I felt like detail could have been used in some places, because at times it felt you were telling me things rather than showing how you felt. For instance, I definitely felt bad for Mia that she went through what she did with Seth, but I didn't really sympathise because all I knew was that she was treated badly, without much feeling or emotion of how she felt. Mia killing Seth however was pretty satisfying, so safe to say that I enjoyed reading this piece because of that. Thanks for entering!