Opaque Innocence - Comments

  • hangsang.

    hangsang. (210)

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    Member
    Gender:
    Age:
    24
    Location:
    Antarctica
    Summary/Layout:
    The layout is simple, which I really like. However something that threw me off is the fact that you used a picture of a band member for the banner, but the story is original. I'm not saying you should change it, it just confused me for a moment, lol.
    I really like the summary. It's short, but gives insight on what will happen and creates suspense. It definitely made me excited to read on!

    Chapter One:
    Wow, I absolutely love your writing style. The detail you use is beautiful and it definitely made me feel like I was sitting right next to Sterling as he waited.

    A crooked smile came across his face as he watched her walk hastily down the tree lined sidewalk and turned the corner. 'turned' should be 'turn'.

    She fit what he yearned for so perfectly, it as a shame he'd have to kill her. 'as' should be 'was'

    I'm interested to see who the monster is, as well as curious to see why he kills people.

    Chapter Two:
    "Whats the plan" it should be 'What's' and there should be a question mark at the end

    She groan as she sat up herself upright and pulled a syringe filled with a familiar liquid out of the pocket and flicked it a few times before putting it back. 'groan' should be 'groaned'

    Part of me is thinking Shay might fuck things up, but I could be wrong.

    even they made his body shiver with the familiar hunger he had been dying to feed. I'm wondering if this means Sterling isn't human. I'm still curious to find out!

    He followed the normal pattern, passing the same buildings he always did when he was watching her, but the girls where nowhere to be seen. 'where' should be 'were'

    Oh no, Shay didn't fuck up, though she does seem pretty pissed Sterling basically blew her off, so I'm wondering what will come from that.

    Chapter Three:
    I felt so bad for Cassie just from reading the first paragraph. The fear she must feel just, wow. Your descriptions really tugged at the heartstrings and I love that.

    I didn't see many mistakes in this chapter. What I did see were minor ones like the other. If you gave it a quick read-through I'm pretty sure you'd be able to find them quickly.

    I really love what you're doing with this and I'm excited to see where you take it. Well done!
    January 8th, 2016 at 09:09am
  • Tipsy.

    Tipsy. (100)

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    NaNoWriMo 2015
    Gender:
    Age:
    25
    Location:
    India
    Hey there. A bit late, but still there. Haha
    Man, you're such an awesome writer. I love the suspense and mystery in this story! And it's so amazingly well written. I have a bad feeling about this. Sterling is intriguing, and yet I'm wondering what he is. Cassie seems to be the sweet sort of girl, and I have absolutely no idea what the guy's gonna do to her. OMG OMG the suspense could kill me! And Shay, I dunno, I don't think I want her to die...that wouldn't make me like Sterling! Please, please update soon! Am looking forward to this story so much! Great job! Cute
    October 1st, 2014 at 09:47am
  • pixiewayro

    pixiewayro (100)

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    Member
    Gender:
    Age:
    28
    Location:
    South Africa
    I'll be honest with you... I stumbled upon this by accident, but I'm glad I started reading this. It's quite intriguing, even after only one short chapter! I can't wait to read more!

    P.S. I love that picture of Bert McCracken! ♡♥
    September 13th, 2014 at 09:14pm