Heart and Soul - Comments

@ losing control.
@ psiioniic

Thank you both for your comments. I'm glad you guys like the story so far. I am planning on posting chapters soon. <3 Thanks for reading.

This layout is really nice and not very distracting while trying to read. The only thing I would do differently is use a white box with black font because it's easier on the eyes, but it still looks nice and is still relatively easy to read.

As for the summary itself, it is very hooking! It makes me really want to know more about these two than you described here, and I can't wait to read the story proper!

Chapter One:
Your details and descriptions are astounding! I thoroughly appreciate that you do things for all the senses, not just a couple. It really makes it simple to visualize the surroundings and the events.

Cassius seems like an interesting character. I really hope more is told about him later, like why Nick locked him in the arena room.

I don't like the boss, and it seems like Nick doesn't either. I do enjoy the real aspect you threw in there of the boss having leverage over Nick to get him to do his bidding. Overall, this was a WONDERFUL start to the story, and I can't wait to read Chapter Two!!!

Chapter Two:
Kitty! I love your portrayal of the cat, because it is such a cat thing to do, sleeping through an intruder. But in all seriousness, the intruder spell is something I rarely read. And the unique twist of the light being different colors for different types of intruders. I like that a lot.

Ooooh. The freaking cat finally woke up and she has fire powers! I enjoy one of her past mistakes being presented to make her a little more human. So few people write characters that have depth and who've made mistakes like that. I appreciate it.

I've never seen dead eyes being compared to a shark's before, but I can't say it isn't a good simile. It's a beautifully descriptive and well written chapter.

I haven't really noticed anything too big that was detrimental, but do be a little cautious of punctuation and grammar. There were a couple reeeeeeally small mistakes here and there in both chapters, but again, nothing big.

Overall, you two are doing some amazing writing! Keep up with the great job!

Intersting! I like the uniqueness of this plot, I haven't seen any stories about heartless and souless people so this was really cool to read. I'm only four chapters in so far, but I'm already looking forward to reading the rst of this.

I like that we got some background information on both characters right off the bat. We still don't know too terribly much about Nick from the first few chapters, but we got to see his personality and what not quite early on which I really liked. Annika seems super rebellious so I'm hoping there'll be some action happening in the Underlands at some point in the future.

Overall, I really like this concept and you guys are writing it really well so far! Great job.

@ insufferable;
Thank you so much for your comment! I'm glad you liked the story, and I'll be sure to fix that error, and change the font color to something easier on the eyes.

Layout/Summary:
I love how you give a little insight on both the characters. You find out a little about Annika and her life before as well as Nick and I really liked that.
The layout however, I wish the text wasn't gray on black as it is quite difficult to read, but I love the banner!

Chapter One:
I absolutely love the detail and image you give from the very beginning. I could just hear the baritone voice that the man had and the fear the other character was experiencing.

My heart would’ve pounded in my chest, at the moment, if I had an actual heartbeat. I flattened by body until I practically faded into the wall. 'by' should be 'my'

I absolutely adore the description you used while writing this. The chapter flowed so perfectly and the only mistake I noticed was what I pointed out above.

Chapter Two:
I loved the background information on witches/Wiccans you gave in your chapter. It really helped me see exactly what was going to go on and what kind of life Annika probably lives as a witch.

I wonder if the man that grabbed her was Nick? Wouldn't that be a bad thing? Especially since Nick was given orders not to let her see him? I could obviously be wrong, but the cliffhanger definitely makes me want to read on.

I didn't see any mistakes in this chapter and, like the other, it flowed really well. Your descriptions are wonderful, as well!

All-in-all, I'll probably keep reading this as it has captured my attention. I can't point out any other constructive criticism. Well done, you two!

@ JamieAllOver.
I'm really glad you like it :) And thank you for your awesome comment :)

Yet another type of story I've never seen done! Granted, original fiction isn't really my forte, but I digress. I did enjoy how headstrong and rebellious Annika is, since, looking back on all of the stories (published or not) I've read, very few of them portray a girl of such character and keep her as determined as they had in the very beginning. I doubt he's supposed to, but when I picture Nic in my head, he sort of makes me think of the albino man from the movie The Heat. Though Nic does have dark hair, correct? I can't quite recall off the top of my head... His chapter in Rev's is probably my favorite; the whole "Should I promise?" thing had me smiling. Hard to resist loving someone as sassy as yourself, right? I also thought the whole photobooth/elevator/rollercoaster ride to the Underlands was a cute, original touch. The changing of the name to Styx was creative as heck--I would've never been able to think up such a thing. Love how The Underlands is just like a "through the looking glass" sort of ordeal. Honestly, I wish I could write original fiction (and as well as you both) because it'd be an honor to write a story with one (or both) of you!

@ Theo Rossi;
Thank you :) I'm glad you liked it.

I love the quotes that you put in the summary. They are a nice touch and really set the tone for the story. I love when stories have quotes; it really makes me more interested in the story. I love the concept of the story and the way it is set up. The first chapter has a strong opening and the detail in the story is beautiful.

I love the quotes that you put in the summary. They are a nice touch and really set the tone for the story. I love when stories have quotes; it really makes me more interested in the story. I love the concept of the story and the way it is set up. The first chapter has a strong opening and the detail in the story is beautiful.

@ Insanity's Artist
Your comment was amazing - thank you for going into so much detail and taking the time to write all that!! Like Nikki said, we'll revisit places where you highlighted suggestions/errors and re-look at them :) Thank you for reading and I'm so glad that you're enjoying it! :)

@ Lady Nikki Nightmare
Yeah, it's really not a big deal though. Your story is seriously so great that I can EASILY let it go. I am excited to read more! I'm also SUPER excited to know there is a sequel. Awesome, awesome, awesome!

@ Insanity's Artist
I just want to say, you are completely forgiven for taking so long :). Thank you for the comments on each chapter. I wish I could go back and add more chapters for Nick and Annika both, but the story has already been finished. I can fix bits of Underworld rules/background but you'll have to wait for the sequel for more of his human background. I remember writing and not wanting to add too much info on his past because we were really focused on Annika's craft and past.

We'll be sure to fix the misspellings and punctuation errors soon. And the good news is we update twice a week :). Hopefully you still like our universe as the story continues.

Firstly, sorry it took me so freaking long to get to do this, but here is your treat BEFORE Halloween, as promised. :) I do my comments very thoroughly and this is a cowrite, so they’re separated by chapter and there is a overall section at the end.

Chapter One:

Critiques/Nitpicky Stuff:
- In the line “..more dangerous while his midnight eyes bore..” it might make the line smoother to use the word “as” instead of “while.”
- Line “I flattened by body” should be “my” instead of “by.”
- Lines, “His pale features seemed exaggerated beneath his gelled, jet black hair; especially the slightly raised skin that accentuated his left eye” need to be corrected too. A semicolon, the ; sign, only takes the place of a comma in two instances: when connecting two related sentences or separating items on a list. In this case, there is no list and the “especially” line is a fragment. A comma is what is needed between “hair” and “especially.”

Good Stuff:
The first thing I really liked was the line, “The man wielding the baritone voice” because it’s wonderful imagery. You do pretty well on imagery throughout the chapter, but this line was my favorite. The whole seconds thing preventing the two from using their special senses was VERY cool. I am really into Nicholai, who seems to be a character in the midst of a dangerous world who gives no shits and I love that. Even though the chapter is not overly suspenseful, you definitely pulled my attention in and left me wanting to read more. Great chapter.

Chapter Two:

Critiques/Nitpicky Stuff:
- The biggest issue I had with this was the jarring switch between his first person POV and her third person POV. If you’re going to switch POVs, that’s fine, but it is always better to stick with EITHER first OR second person. This might be a result of it being a cowrite, but it was still jarring.
- In the line, “The aging, discoloured, floorboards didn’t groan or squeak under the occupant’s weight, in fact so far he’d been as silent as the grave and nothing more than a flickering shadow on the security feeds, but she’d known the second he’d entered the house” there isn’t anything TECHNICALLY wrong, but it would read smoother if you separated some of the sentences. They can still be long, but the whole paragraph is basically one sentence. A similar thing happens in the second to last paragraph.
- Again, me being nitpicky, but in the part, “‘Some guard cat’ she internally,” it would be more correct to place a comma similar to how you would dialogue because it basically IS dialogue.

Good Stuff:
Similar with the whole “seconds” thing in the earlier chapter, you guys are really doing a very cool thing of adding little details to your story universe with the colors of the auras having significance. I am VERY interested in finding out what they mean.
Like Nick, I am extremely interested in Annika’s character. It was hard to get a feel for her, because of the shortness of the chapter, but there was enough that I am very interested. The cliffhanger at the end was PERFECT.
Cosmina seems like a great character and I hope there is more of her later.

Chapter Three:

Critique/Nitpicky Stuff:
- I was sort of confused as to the soul stealing process. Maybe it’s explained later, but I don’t really get HOW he stole her soul, which threw me off momentarily.

Good Stuff:
The timing with the soul stealing was very neat and added a lot of suspense. I was also confused over his limbs going numb and stuff but I included it down here, because instead of throwing me off, it made me want to read more and more. I also still really like Nick’s attitude, lol.

Chapter Four:

Critique/Nitpicky Stuff:
- It’s still hard to get a real feel for Annika’s character, but it’s still early and the chapter is short so no biggie.

Good Stuff:
I was really happy to see the consistency with first person this time!
So far, the chapters are short, but they’re good and have enough to keep me interested – this one was no exception. I was really lost in the description of what Annika was going through and it was so well done, I could really see and feel it. Once again, another great cliffhanger.

Chapter Five:

Critique/Nitpicky Stuff:
- You misspelled “nose” as “noes.”
- When describing the Boss’s features and you say “lastly those,” the word “lastly” is sort of out of place.

Good Stuff:
Have I mentioned how much I love Nick’s thing with the time keeping? It’s great. The details are once again wonderful as you describe what Nick is going through – both of you seem to have a knack for that. Your cliffhangers are also really good.

Chapter Six:

Critique/Nitpicky Stuff:
- This chapter was longer and so it seems like that made have more “errors.” Don’t let this make you think I disliked it though, it’s one of my favorites!
- “At the time I was only seven, I was still mourning her and Cosmina knew that.” – this line sort of flows awkwardly. It might be better written as, “At the time, I was only seven and still mourning her and Cosmina knew that,” or “At the time, I was only seven and still mourning her – Cosmina knew that.” It’s not a BIG deal, just more of an awkward sentence incident.
- On that same line, you say “mourning her” to indicate Annika mourning her mom, which you later specify, but it would be much clearer if you said “mourning my mom” from the start.
- “From Romania, she hadn’t spoken great English when she’d come to work for us” is another awkward sentence. “Being from Romania” would make it flow better.
- “As a sprite she had a natural affinity for all things nature, from animals to plants to the sun, Cosmina had a way of bringing out the best in everything” is another awkward run of sentences that could stand to be separated.
- You have a few more places of long run-ons which could stand to be separated, but I won’t point them all out. If you want me to, I will, but I think it’d be overdoing it at this point, lol.
- In “for our family were always moving,” the word “were” should be replaced with “was.”
- “Her face looked older to me, than it had moments before” – you don’t need a comma here at all.
- “No ‘but’s’ Annika. Rest.” – this is formatted correctly (which is great), but you don’t need an apostrophe in “buts.”

Good Stuff:
I’m loving the “dead like a sharks” theme. Little consistencies like this really MAKE a story.
I’m also glad to have a longer Annika chapter (not that I mind the short chapters) because I can finally really see more of her personality. I love me a stubborn, headstrong lady. This was also one of my favorites so far because of all the background. I looooove background and I really like the way you incorporated it.
I also want to repeat that while I did point out more “errors” in this chapter, I still really loved it.

Chapter Seven:

Critique/Nitpicky Stuff:
- None!

Good Stuff:
I was SUPER into this chapter, dude. I am so stoked for the rest. I now realize I’m almost done with what you’ve written and I’m disappointed! This was an excellent, EXCELLENT chapter and the entire story so far is g-r-e-a-t! I’m dying to know what’s important about Annika.

Chapter Eight:

Critique/Nitpicky Stuff:
**I really feel the need to preface this again. I KNOW I point out a lot of “errors” here, but once again, it’s not implicative of my dislike. Once again, despite the “errors,” I really enjoyed this chapter. I am just super freaking nitpicky and I am incapable of leaving these things out.**
- “Then I grabbed a box of matches, a candle, both of which are integral parts of some spells” – here it should be “box of matches and a candle” since there are only two items.
- Extra nitpicky but “keepsake” is generally written as one word, but you have it as two.
- Once again, there are several run-ons that come off as more awkward than stylistic. Again, not giving examples anymore unless you want me to.
- “I can’t do much as I don’t have my magic” – you change tenses here from past tense (what you have been writing in) to present tense.
- In this sequence, there seems to be some inconsistency or I misunderstood something. In the same paragraph you go from, “As I grabbed a few other miscellaneous items and headed for the window, I mentally planned my next step” to “I made my way to the door.” Is she going out the door or the window? I don’t know, lol. Again, maybe I misunderstood something?
- “I grabbed a paperback book from the office desk I was stood next to” – in this “I was stood next to” should be “I was standing next to” OR “I stood next to.”
- “even if it is early” – another tense switch.
- “something else, I couldn’t quite identify” – no comma needed.
- “as she sat back in the overly grand oak chair that she sat in” – the “sat back” and the “sat in” coming right next to each other is needlessly repetitive.
- “Her nose as sharp as her chin, wrinkled” – there should be a comma after nose as well.
- “Her piercing blue eyes, heavily rimmed with charcoal watched me unwaveringly.” – there should be a comma after charcoal.
- In general, a paragraph break should be inserted once dialogue starts.
- “ “Poor Little Witch.” She teased” – after “Witch” there should be a comma and “she” shouldn’t be capitalized.
- “opened my eyes, yet I was no longer…” – once again, being nitpicky, but “yet” is kind of a weird word here. Removing it and separating the sentences entirely and even inserting a paragraph break might be less awkward.
- “now I was stood” – “stood” should be “standing”
- “The little sliver of light left my eyeball, shiny, silvery and green the light” – there should be a comma after “green.”

Good Stuff:
I feel bad because my nitpicky list up there is really long, but please know, I did genuinely enjoy this chapter.
I’m really loving the universe being created by both of you and in this chapter in particular, the witchy stuff. The more I learn about your specific universe’s “rules” the more into it I get. Like, at this point I am fairly certain I would buy this as a book. The way you were talking about older magic and Rowan’s abilities like that made it more real and interesting. I really like Rowan too. I hope to see more of her!
I’m ever more curious about the woman in the glass. Is she real? Is she villainous? What’s special about Annika and her soul? So much to find out!

Chapter Nine:

Critique/Nitpicky Stuff:
- “huddling in the shadows of the sheer brightness” – was this supposed to be “from the sheer brightness”?
- “as he words sank in” – forgot the “r” in “her.”
- There are two or three awkward places in this chapter where the imagery doesn’t flow the way I’m used to it flowing. I didn’t point out examples because that would be MEGA nitpicky, but as a general comment, something was off about this chapter.

Good Stuff:
Oh, I just ADORE y’all’s version of vampires. Very cool. The line, “The shadows of sinful energy keeps the doctors away” was also a very clever way of introducing that. “Shadows of sinful energy” – what an interesting concept! Once again, I adore the universe of this story.
Was the woman in the bar supposed to be Rowan? I am confused, but I don’t mind it. It was a very intense scene. I was also confused as to how he knew she had his blood in the book and how he knew she was going to track him?
I can’t wait for Nick and Annika to meet!!

Chapter Ten:

Critique/Nitpicky Stuff:
- Sometimes the spacing isn’t consistent and (in general) you should insert a paragraph break when dialogue starts. Some run-ons again.
- Several tense shifts in the first couple of paragraphs. Going from “know” twice back to past tense “knew” and then she says, “I suppose” instead of “supposed.”
- “I figured that as he’s obviously one of these soul-snatching vampires, he’d live in the Underlands, but I had no idea where, but the book that I clutched tightly in my hands could hopefully tell me” – I SAID I wasn’t going to point out any more run-ons, but this one was important because of the two times you have the word “but,” which is what makes it a run-on. Separation of this one is more important than regular run-ons.
- “and if I wasn’t mistaken a hint of vanilla.” – there could be commas like “and, if I wasn’t mistaken, a hint of vanilla.”
- “as I wondered along under the” – “wondered” should be “wandered.”
- “With greying hair and wrinkled skin she looked at me through age old eyes that were creased into slits, “there’s no need to swear, dear. All I did was ask if you knew the time.”” – here, there should be a period after “slits” and “there’s” should be capitalized.

Good Stuff:
You two are doing such a great job creating your universe, I can’t stop talking about it. I love each time you expand on different kinds of spells, like the ones she’s talking about without magic. It’s wonderful. I’m such a nerd for stuff like this. Also, Annika’s bit about the spells she HAD memorized made me giggle.
Really, really loved the woman in Sticks. Another character I hope to see more of.

Chapter Eleven:

Critique/Nitpicky Stuff:
- Because the Underworld hasn’t been explained yet or perhaps I just missed something, the part where Tyson says the Boss closed the pit and Nick responds about him being worse on the first disappointment confused me. The story is moving slowly, because of the short chapters and everything, which is fine, but this was just a point where I was genuinely confused. Even though it seems like the pit is some sort of punishment place, it’s still confusing. I’m also confused as to why Tyson’s walking away was a big deal. We’re getting a lot of information on Annika and her background and world and not a lot on Nick really. The contrast is sort of jarring and it definitely throws me off.

Good Stuff:
Excellent cliffhanger! This may have been the shortest chapter yet, but saving this bit for a cliffhanger after Annika’s chapter was an excellent idea.

Overall Comments:

So, I do really like this story and even the continuous POV switching, but I think the story might benefit from not switching SO often. I think it’s fairly standard for cowrites to simply switch chapter after chapter from one character to another, but in books each character is generally given more than one chapter as needed. In this case, I think that it would be good to have Nick or Annika have an extra chapter as needed. I say that partly because of what I said above about not having enough information about Nick and the Underworld. Nick’s chapters tend to be very short and more suspenseful, which is fine, but I PERSONALLY feel that at this point in the story, it would benefit for more explanation about Nick’s background. I also feel lost about the rules of the Underworld and how it is down there in general. These details weren’t so important in the beginning, but stuff like this is GENERALLY established in the beginning so that as the story picks up, the reader already has these things in their head. Giving that information now is acceptable, but waiting too long might throw others off other than me.

OR maybe this whole issue is unique to me. I’m just offering my personal opinion. :)

All that being said, I love this story. I said above somewhere I was fairly certain I would buy this as a book and now having read all of what’s out, I stand by this statement. What you’ve written here alone, if I were to preview the book, is enough to make me want to spend my money.
I say that for multiple reasons. First, as I keep going on about, your universe. Even if I have my qualms about not having enough of Nick and the Underworld, ASIDE from that, your universe is built very nicely and almost professionally. You established different things about it – from the difference between Wiccans and witches, covens, old spells that don’t need magic, your unique vampires, and more – that make it truly fleshed out. A fleshed out universe is something you don’t (in my experience) see in a lot of online fiction. It just doesn’t get a lot of attention because people focus so hard on characters and the plot. You two do both of those things as well, but do not abandon the creation of your fictional universe and instead, spend good time creating it.
Your characters are also all interesting. From Annika and Nick to the Boss and Tyson to Cosmina, Rowan, and the Sticks lady and even the old lady in the park, each of your characters are interesting and distinct. Another thing you see a lot in online fics are characters whose personalities are all basically the same thing. You two, even with your minor characters, have created a distinct personality for each of them, which is super important.
Annika and Nick, being the most important, are the most interesting. Annika is one of my favorite types of female characters and Nick is, as much as I know so far, one of my favorite types of males. And even though they do embody a “type character” in them, they are more than that. They are not so cliché (so far) that it looks like someone is trying too hard to make their characters embody a certain type. Their personalities seem very natural and believable.
For the most part (excluding my issues above), I like the pacing of the story. I like that it’s taking time for Annika to find Nick and I like that the way Annika is going about things seems realistic… as realistic as a fantasy story can be anyway, lol. There is a good mix of suspense and simple pacing.
BOTH of you do wonders with descriptions and imagery. Your details make it very easy to picture and feel what’s going on. Even if there are some parts that are awkward and confusing, the overall story isn’t like that.
I am super glad this story was part of my candy bowl because it’s awesome. Definitely reccing and subscribing. Keep up the good work, guys!

HOLY CRAP HOLY CRAP HOLY CRAP. WHY DID YOU LEAVE IT THERE?! Also, I've come to decide that I love how Nicholai counts out days.

I can't wait for Annika and Nic to meet again. I can't wait for Thursday!

Holy crap. This is awesome. I actually was going to read it a while back, but then I got distracted for some reason and yeah. I love both characters so much. I love reading their stories, and I find myself wanting to know more about them than just what their futures hold.

I love how both of you write, it's the perfect amount of description and dialogue. That said, I didn't come across one typo, or any grammar mistakes, and that alone is a feat.

I'm subscribing and recommending this. I can't wait to read the next chapter!

@ Alex Moore.
Haha I can't give up on Rowen. :)

@ MissyPrissy
Nick's chapter will go up tomorrow. We post every Sunday and Thursday.

Please update soon!

Partly comment swap and partly cause I know how great Nikki can be with words (A). I must say, I was not dissapointed. I know how well she writes the character of Rowen, but she proved to me that she is not a one-trick pony!

I truly loved the sentence: A spark filled his dull, ruthless black eyes It gave me the chills!

And I really enjoy that the writing of both of you is so similar. I almost can not distinguish you two! That is a great thing for a co-write!

Keep this up (but don't you steal too much of Nikki, we need her both haha)

Partly comment swap and partly cause I know how great Nikki can be with words (A). I must say, I was not dissapointed. I know how well she writes the character of Rowen, but she proved to me that she is not a one-trick pony!

I truly loved the sentence: A spark filled his dull, ruthless black eyes It gave me the chills!

And I really enjoy that the writing of both of you is so similar. I almost can not distinguish you two! That is a great thing for a co-write!

Keep this up (but don't you steal too much of Nikki, we need her both haha)