i know this was supposed to be really raunchy and sexy, and believe me it was, but i also thought it was ridiculously sweet at the end
September 22nd, 2011 at 01:01pm
I told you I would eventually leave you a comment, right?
A really really good one. So here goes. Firstly, the title, and the layout and everything about how its set out is brilliant. The purple really kindof darkens the mood, and makes it really mysterious. The definition in the summary was also helpful, for people who are a little dense and don't know what a darkroom is, however, to maintain the story's mystery you could have put it in either your authors notes or first comment.
Um, good intro, good use of descriptions, you set the scene really quickly and fairly simply, which was good.
pointless pinpricks tarnishing a perfect silk canvas - so this line is pretty much orgasmic. The alliteration, and assonance; pricks, silk, canvas; was like, whoah. It made the characters seem a little insignificant in the scheme of things. Like I said before, you set the scene really well at the begining, and you continued to do so throughout the first few paragraphs.
“Well I don’t know your name so I thought Madame would be… sufficient?” the bouncer explained, a slightly puzzled look on his simple face. Aha. Priceless. I love how the bouncer is so thick he thinks William is a woman, honest mistake, mind you. You captured his confusion really smartly. I like it.
Gabe had been coming here for years, coming here to forget, to forget the countless faceless bodies he had used and abused for his own pleasure from this line into the paragraph it gets pretty intense. Learning of Gabe's past was put into a more sinister perspective through your writing. Loved it. Again, your repeating and extending your sentences makes his pain seem more drawn out. Loved it.
”I need you to make it go away, he had pleaded; countless times and tears later Gabe had finally offered his somewhat placebo solution. as a reader, I can literally feel his pain, you know what I mean? I don't know, I can hear him crying. times and tears - v nice.
I found what I think its an error, maybe I'm just dumb but should this The dark lights made the shadows huge and the smell of sex hang on the air, reread to "'hung' on the air" or "'hang' in the air"? Read it out loud a couple of times, it will make more sense. Also, a comma Suddenly it was not enough, he needed more, more, more to make him, Ryan gone from his mind. after 'Ryan' would make that sentence make more sense ^_^
Stars flashed in front of his eyes as a short barking moan was ripped from his lungs. this sentence was like, whoah, it was a complete opposite of the few before it, its was like, everything was kindof wanty, and everyone was all lusty, but never to that extreme, or so we thought.
soft material catching his tears - oh man, the ending. Their innocence was pretyt much awesome. I think Gabe's back story wasn't continued enough, or you ended the story too abruptly, or something. Him saying "and I love you William" just wasn't conclusive enough for me, I don't think. I still really liked it thoughhhhh ^_^
Uh, I've succesfully (attempted) written you a lovely (sort of) review, as promised.
sorry it took so long :/
Anyways, you know I loved it, pretty much.
It was brilliant ^__^
