November 14th, 2014 at 10:39pm
I just have a few things that I feel could improve it a bit for me, though.The layout would work a lot better if the background was frozen, as its moving is a bit distracting and kind of hurts my eyes. Other than that, it's a really neat design.
Some of the sentences are a little choppy and could flow a little better if some of them were joined. Take a break after writing, then come back and read it out loud, or get someone else to do it for you. That way you can gain a better idea of how well it's going to flow for your readers.
I also feel as though the chapter ended really suddenly. I didn't really feel like it was entirely complete, and could have been drawn out longer for a better idea of where the plot is headed, or stopped later with a hint of something interesting happening.
For example:
"Her eyes grew heavy after a while of watching the TV, and she was about to drift off into sleep before something moved in her peripheral vision, but when she looked nothing was there. That was, until she saw the creature of horror that the townspeople feared above all else: the dreaded red-back spider."
Or something along those lines.
Anyway, I've definitely subscribed and cannot wait to see what's next. Your story looks interesting.
thank you so much. Like I said in the author's note I had planned on fixing it. It is just what I was working with for now.