Firewall - Comments

The ship became should be haidei...yes i do mean similar to the Greek god of the underworl, why do you ask AND THE MUSIC CHOICE IS EFFIN GOLD

Hey, there!

I'm back again. So now I'm gonna go into a more in-depth comment.

For the first chapter, I believe you need to put spacing between the paragraphs. For example:

Quote

"Is that the Big Dipper?" I asked Carter.
He looked up to where I was pointing in the sky. "I think so," he said, "and that's the Little Dipper."
"Carter?"
"Yeah?" he looked over to me with sparkling blue eyes.
Carter and I were nine, sitting in the field across from his gram's house where he'd been saying since his dad was arrested. I would always go over there on Fridays to bake cookies and play games with him and his gram.
"You remember when I came here? To America?" I asked.

You can make it into this:

Quote

"Is that the Big Dipper?" I asked Carter.

He looked up to where I was pointing in the sky. "I think so," he said, "and that's the Little Dipper."

"Carter?"

"Yeah?" he looked over to me with sparkling blue eyes.

Carter and I were nine, sitting in the field across from his gram's house where he'd been saying since his dad was arrested. I would always go over there on Fridays to bake cookies and play games with him and his gram.

"You remember when I came here? To America?" I asked.

It not only makes it easier on the readers' eyes, it's also a part of the mibba writing rules (if I'm not mistaken)

Chapter 2
I think that at times, you tend to tell the readers instead of showing them what really happened in the story, especially for the back story. It looks more like information dumping and it takes away the emotion from the story.

However, I like the little details you put in through the chapter. For example, the music she listened to while she was in the plane, or the music played while she was in the cab. It provides me more things to imagine the chapter and the surrounding at the moment.

Hurm... I'm intrigued about that guy. Is he a stalker or something? I have a feeling that he might be one of One Direction's boys but I might be wrong.

Chapter 3
Gemma seems great. Although, personally I'll get annoyed if someone I just met acted like that with me. But I guess that's just me being a social hermit.

I think that clown-rug thing is sent by her creeper. That would be creepy.

Overall:
I think this story has potential and I only saw several typos and grammatical error but it's nothing major.

There are a few parts that I had to skip while reading because I think it just dragged on but that's probably due to me having an attention span of a three year old.

All in all, I think this is a good story. You writing style is simple yet easy to understand. The story flows nicely.

I'm sorry if this is too long and if I'd offended you in any way.

Last thing, keep writing!

Thank you so much!!

I only got throught the first chapter and I have to say, I'm intrigued.

I'll come back later to finish up the rest!!*subscribing*