Broken Pieces - Comments

@ Rubicon.
Oh yay!!! Bruno is the best so you definitely should!

I dont know much about Bruno Mars (my mother is a fan of his music though) but this made me want to watch as many of his videos as I could. Great story!!!

@ Waking-The-Fallen
<333

I am happy they're enjoying themselves and having fun. She needs some happiness after everything and I hope we see her grandparents more :)

@ Waking-The-Fallen
They deserve it!<3

Yay! They arrived and she seems happy and excited I hope they enjoy themselves:D

@ Waking-The-Fallen
:)))

@ Dancing.With.Myself
I hope they have a wonderful time with her grandparents :)

@ Waking-The-Fallen
I am excited as well! I'm sorry I haven't been able to update lately! But hopefully I will find the time soon! Thank you for the comment and I hope you best with me until I find the time to update!!<3

I'm excited about her grandparents they seem fun!

@ Waking-The-Fallen
I think a nice vacation will do them well:)

Aww! That's a sweet moment. Hopefully things calm down for them for awhile at least.

@ Waking-The-Fallen
I know sorry I made the chapter just the note. Didnt have much time. But I'm sure things will start looking up!

@ Dancing.With.Myself
I think she can as week with a little help she is stronger than she knows.
After that note what could I say? :(

@ Waking-The-Fallen
I know. But she has him so she can get through anything I believe!

There was a sweet moment in one chapter and then it all goes to s*** she just can't catch a break. With Bruno leaving soon and all this going on it has me worried for her, it's a lot to deal with in a short amount of time.

@ jaxprog
I appreciate you taking the time and putting such thought into this. It was very helpful! I unfortunately do not have time to explain some lf my choices you brought up (like the part of the city they were in whe she heard the scuffle. I lived in a city like the one i picture while writing and the blocks aren't that long and sound carries so it is possible) and right now im not going to go back and change all of that now but I will keep it mind while writing in tne future. But since I don't really do outlines and drafts or anything and write off the cuff there are going to be a lot of mistakes. These stories are just so I don't get too rusty in between actual writings of mine. But like I said, it was all very helpful and I appreciate you taking the time to do all of this. :)

Problems and fixes to consider:

1) “I heard a scuffle from two blocks away.” In a city with distractions, people walking and chatting about and vehicles motoring by and the all too common siren wailing toward an emergency. I question, would you hear a scuffle two blocks away? Would you even have line of sight.

Instead consider…
Across the street yelling and screaming interrupted my train of thought. I turned, two men grappled and scuffled in front of Fratelli’s bar. Fists flew and one them flew back hitting the pavement. A woman grabbed the standing man’s arm and muttered something.
He snapped. “I’m not done yet!” He proceeded to beat the downed man.
I’m not going to stand by and let this happen. No fucking way. This is wrong! “Hey”! I startled the two of them. “Get away from him”!

2) “He didn't respond to my words, he didn't open his eyes, he just continued to let out quiet groans, his eyes moving about under his eyelids. I wasn't sure what to do. I didn't have a phone, for I didn't have the money to keep it on, and I didn't have a car because, well, what in my last statement makes you think I could afford that?”

Don’t talk to the reader and assume the readers thinking. You are telling the story not having a conversation.

Instead consider…
He didn't respond to my words and he didn't open his eyes. His murmuring groans continued and his eyes jiggled under his lids. I wasn't sure what to do. I didn't have a phone and I didn't have a car. I couldn’t afford these luxuries anymore.

Furthermore, when everyday items for most people is a luxury to you then it implies you are poor without explicitly stating it. It also may imply much more such as being in a poor section of town. This in turn may make the reader more curious about you to find out why?

3) "Okay, you need to get on your side so you don't pull a John Bonham," I stated, referring to the drummer of Led Zeppelin who choked on his own puke while passed out drunk on his back.

This is esoteric. Consider your reader audience. Not everyone who is reading your book is going to be current on pop culture historical events. Although your fact about Jonham would educate this fact to a reader, your goal is for the reader to identify with your prose.

Consider this…
"Okay, you need to get on your side." I don’t’ want you drowning in your own puke.

4) Peruse your prose and look at all those stinky adverbs describing how the verb action is being implemented. Replace the adverbs with words that show action pertaining to the scene moment. This way you will show and not tell. Let’s look some examples in the first chapter.

"Mister! Are you okay?" I asked as I kneeled down next to the man who was on his stomach, groaning in pain. I carefully helped him roll onto his back so as to assess the extent of his injuries and decide whether or not he needed a hospital.

Instead consider…
I kneeled down next to the man. "Hey Mister! You okay?" He laid on his stomach and groaned. I placed my hands under him and positioned him. Careful now. Not too fast. I rolled him on his back. I looked him over. I didn’t see excessive bleeding. Wait. What are those bumps? Are those bones out of place? I touched a bump and I felt swollen tissue. I wondered if he needed a hospital or if he be okay with some rest.

Notice the difference? I took your adverb and replaced it with actions that show you are being careful as opposed to you telling us that you are being careful. This gives the reader a deeper character experience as if the reader is standing your shoes.

Also notice that if the man on the ground is groaning the reader can automatically know he has pain. No need to say “in pain”.

Furthermore look at the end sentence leaving you to wonder about two possible outcomes without actually arriving to a conclusion. This is important because it keeps the reader wondering. Is the man okay? Does he need to go the hospital? Only one way to find out, keep reading the story and that’s what you want. The reader to keep turning the pages to find out what going to happen next.

Let’s look at another, a two for one sentence here…

"Alright, Mister Mars, you need to get up now," I urged as I lightly smacked the man's face. He groaned in protest and furrowed his eyebrows, obviously not wanting to. I rolled my eyes, but his responsiveness was encouraging.

Instead consider…
I gave his face a light pat. "Mister Mars, you need to get up now,"
He groaned. “Leave me alone.” He furrowed his eyebrows.
Oh brother, how am I going to get this guy up? At least his responsiveness was encouraging.

See the difference? It’s you showing the reader I lightly smacked the man’s face. It you showing the reader his response to obviously not wanting to get up as opposed just telling us. Showing allows me the reader to be in our character’s experience in the story.

I gave you quite a bit of information. I’ll stop here. Look over your prose and examine opportunities to show the reader as opposed to telling.

Here another hint before I close. Do the same thing to your infinitive sentences, those to (verb) sentence. Hunt down infinitives and replace those infinitive with words that can replace the infinitive that will show and not tell.

Example:

I walked into the kitchen and grabbed and pen and a pad of paper before beginning to writes note.

The infinitive is “to write”.

Make concise sentences. Put actions in order without using "before" and join clauses with “and”.

Consider this…
I walked into the kitchen. I grabbed a pen, paper and wrote a note.

Have fun and keeping writing.

@ Waking-The-Fallen
Yay!! My favorite reader!! And I think she loves him too. Just needs to accept his love first.

I think she loves Bruno already and just hasn't noticed maybe her fathers words will help her open up about whatever has been holding her back. We have had a few emotional chapters hopefully a few less as she processes everything.