His Final Days - Comments

@ Join the Masquerade
Thank you for your comment! I will definitely use all of that to edit my piece. I understood about what you meant with certain errors, like the one about the cough. I just didn't know how to word some of it. I am going to use what you gave me though. I really appreciate your comment and I am terribly sorry about your friend.

Oh, and I did think about adding more one-shots to it, with prequels and sequels. That way I can do it in the order I want and it doesn't really require as much dedication as a chaptered story, if you know what I mean.

@ Don'tFearTheReaper
Don't worry, you didn't post twice.

I appreciate your criticism and I will use it to help edit my piece. Some of the errors you pointed out had me going, why in the world didn't I notice that?! Ah well, I'm going to fix these errors in a bit though.

@ Join the Masquerade
Thank you for your comment! I will definitely use all of that to edit my piece. I understood about what you meant with certain errors, like the one about the cough. I just didn't know how to word some of it. I am going to use what you gave me though. I really appreciate your comment and I am terribly sorry about your friend.

Oh, and I did think about adding more one-shots to it, with prequels and sequels. That way I can do it in the order I want and it doesn't really require as much dedication as a chaptered story, if you know what I mean.

@ Don'tFearTheReaper
Don't worry, you didn't post twice.

I appreciate your criticism and I will use it to help edit my piece. Some of the errors you pointed out had me going, why in the world didn't I notice that?! Ah well, I'm going to fix these errors in a bit though.

(I'm afraid that I may double post; Mibba didn't post my comment the first time. So I apologize if it does show up twice)

This story, man. It's just a snapshot... his final days... wow. It felt sort of disconnected for me, but that's just who I am (I can't really connect with people dying, it's just a foreign thing for me). But I loved the way that this was written. There was a sad finesse to it. I love the little details that you wrote in here, too. Chapped lips, bright blue eyes. For me, those little details help me connect, even if I can't 100%. It makes the person you're describing an actual person. I love little things like that for some weird reason. I guess it's just because I'm detail-oriented and that little fact made me love this story.

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There are some editing things that I noted that had me rereading to see what you might have meant;

Once, you used the word smatter. I don't know if this is the word you were looking for when you described the blood Landon spat up while coughing. It doesn't fit right in the sentence that you used it in.

In the sentence Landon whispered as quickly moved to brush the falling tear off her cheek, "as" does not fit in the sense you wished. Maybe you meant to say "and"?

The rest of her sentence hung the hair: I believe you meant to say "air"

Her clothing fit just a bit loser than it did before: loser should be "looser"

Speaking of Marilyn and Landon: fell apart and the seams and should be "at"

That's a lot for someone to take in, especiallywhen it's... there should be a space between "especially" and "when."

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I really did enjoy your story. It reminds me that life is short. Sometimes it gets cut short by some unforeseen force. But life, even if you live to be 100 years old, is short. It just depends on how you spend your time. And for Landon, that was loving Marilyn from afar and telling her when he realized he wouldn't have been able to continue loving her. This was just an amazing piece, once I took my disconnect out of the picture. I don't know, you just have a certain eloquence with words and style. Keep up the great work!

I already mentioned it but like I said before, I just simply couldn't get into this. Not because it's terrible or anything, just because I'm picky and usually stick to reading in my fandoms. But I can give you concrit on it to consider. Keep in mind this is all just my opinion and I wouldn't expect you to agree with any of it - I'm just trying to offer you as much as I can. I apologise if it comes across as nitpicking.

The monitor beeped harshly in Landon's ear as his rib cage rattling cough woke him up.

The first sentence here throws me off a little for the bolded part. I understand it but I had to read it twice, because at first it sounds like the "cough" doesn't belong and I'm all "why is his rib cage rattling?" I hope that makes sense. I feel like you could probably hyphenate the words like "rib-cage-rattling cough" to avoid confusion but I'm not entirely clear on the rules of hyphenating things.

Her big brown eyes were filled with concern as she tried to plaster a smile on her full lips, showing him her dazzling white smile.

The repetition of the word "smile" here is distracting. I felt like the need to explain her lack of smiling was negated by her actually smiling in the same sentence. Like, she can't try to smile and smile at the same time without there being mention of a success or something. Maybe the last part could be changed to something like: "... eventually showing him her dazzling white teeth."

"Please, stop," Landon put both of his hands up. "It's just a little blood." Marilyn frowned at him but didn't say another word as the nurses made their way in to check his vitals. "Everything's clear," a little blond nurse told Marilyn who retorted with, "Oh yeah, him dying is real clear."

Needs a new paragraph for a different speaker.

"I'm in love with you. I have always been; ever since you asked me to push you in the swing on that little playground when I was seven years old."

It's nice to read that and have the image at the top of the page sort of playing on the mind at the same time.

"Oh, Landon," the tears were beginning to well up in the corner of Marilyn's eyes and she tried to swallow the lump in her throat.

Should start a new sentence at "the tears".

The rest of her sentence hung the hair;

I think this is supposed to be "hung in the air".

"You need to eat something," his mother eyed her as they made their way to the line.

Again, I think there should be a new sentence after the dialogue.

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That's a lot for someone to take in, especiallywhen it's coming from someone who is dying..." Landon frowned.

Missing a space between "especially" and "when".

the tears were threatening to come early tonight, "that I love you, too

The continuation of the dialogue should begin with a capital for "that".

crashing his chapped lips into her smooth ones.

This is the exact same description for their first kiss. I'd find another way of describing it to avoid repetition.

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His skin was cool to the touch and her breathing started speed up.

*started to speed up

She placed her head to his chest but there was a sound nor was it moving to signal that his lungs were taking in the air he needed to live.

There was a sound or wasn't?

Janie was the one who managed to tear her away from the cold, lifeless body that once belonged to the person they both loved so much.

I really liked the way you wrote this sentence. It sort of gives way to the belief that although he's no longer in this body, he might still be out there, still loved.

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The playground. The playground that had started it all.

I like that you put this in. I think that it gives the story a rounder shape. Like they met there, it started there, and this story ends there. It puts things into perspective.

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I actually liked this, only, like I mentioned, it's not something I'd normally choose to read. I think maybe I'd have given it a better chance to begin with if there were a little less dialogue and things were more implied and less directly said. Sometimes the dialogue would pull from the moment a little bit, in my opinion.

I was wondering as I was reading what Landon was dying of, and how long he'd been in hospital for, if it was in and out or if he'd been in there for months on end and that his being allowed home was his first time out in a while. I was also wondering a bit about how Marilyn had been visiting him, if she had to wait until after school or if she was breaking down and skipping school to spend time by his side. What they did when she was there. What he did when she wasn't.

All in all it's a bitter-sweet sort of tale. I'd recommend it to those that enjoy reading about character death and such. I actually have a friend right now diagnosed as terminally ill so it was a struggle to think too deeply about this without feeling too much but that means you must have convened emotions well.