Sarajevo Burning - Comments

First off, I love the vibe that the summary and layout give off. Gets me super excited to read the story.

Jedan
Ahh, the hook at the beginning. It's so blunt and fantastic. and then ending it the same way is great. I feel like there was a different tone to it the second time, because we know all this information about the war/the soldiers now. It's almost sadder.

I really love the way you're able to transition between everything. There's a super natural flow between describing how the war came about, to what the character is doing and seeing, to the dialogue. Everything flows so well and I loved reading it.

It's really clear that you've done your research, or you a last make it seem like you do your descriptions are beautiful, but in such a tragic way. You make it really lovely to read without romanticizing war which I really appreciate.

Dva
Girl, I can't even get over your descriptions. They're so flawless and I feel like I'm there with these characters which is kind of terrifying but also really wonderful.

The emotion that you have all throughout the story is so raw. I imagine this is exactly how soldiers would be feeling if they were forced to fight in a way that no one wants. I loved the part about the bond that the soldiers have; I definitely feel like if you were trying to survive with other people you'd have this insane bond.

paying little attention to whose brains they are painting across the streets.
I really loved this line. It was really beautiful but just so ugh at the same time and I adored it.

Very lovely job, of course! I can't wait to see what happens as the war progresses.

Jedan

Like those said below me, I do love that you used the title as the hook! I think it was fresh and it most definitely caught my attention. Makes me think about what you’re about to tell us about Sarajevo.

I think the balance between description and dialogue is great. I believe you have a great touch of creating scenery because the way you use certain words makes think that this needs to be published. Like now. lol. The way you wrote about Sarajevo and the effects of it just made me want to see this in bookstores and libraries.

“At this point, all we are looking for is a single casualty for their side, someone to die for the cause and give us hope that we aren’t fighting a losing battle.” This just remained in my brain when I first read. It was beautiful and packed with emotion, and I loved how it, to me, could sum up what this plot is about.

The paragraph about the soldiers made me a bit teary. I don’t know why. But I liked the feeling. YOUR WRITING GIVES ME FEELS. lol.

I liked how it started off with the descriptions of Sarajevo and it later moved on to the soldiers’ actions and whatnot. The fact that they didn’t talk to each other stood out to me. I feel like this is because of what is happening and so I liked the effect you put on this!

“I almost feel sorry for him.” You write every line with so much meaning and I LOVE THAT ABOUT YOUR WRITING.

I could envision what you’re writing almost too perfectly. Your scenes were smooth and beautiful! AND YOU ENDED IT WITH THE HOOK! You’re a genius because I feel like the repetition just creates a better atmosphere and feel for your story!

Dva

YO YOUR WRITING IS SOOOOO GOOD and this statement can’t do it justice. From the last chapter, I’ve been so hooked!

The talk about the bond and the safety just made my skin crawl because it was a great thing to add anD VICTORIA YOU ARE A GODDESS OMG. The fact that you’re doing this so perfectly blows my mind! You created your characters so fully with great personality layers! I definitely love the thought process of our main character. Just by the he thinks about certain things makes me relate him to a real person, if you know what I mean lol. Your writing is fresh, and I love the twist you put on WWII. You got me very interested in your plot and this event. Definitely subscribing!

I do love your layout because I think no other layout would do this plot justice than this nice one. I loved your writing, as you could see above, so great job!

The summary to this is so captivating. I love it. I really like that you chose this as something to write about. It's very unique.

JEDAN
I like that you started this first line as the title to the story. You don't usually see people incorporate titles until somewhere in the middle, but this is the first line. I love that. And thank you for giving background to this conflict? Revolution? I'm not sure. I guess we'll call it civil unrest for now.

You've such a way with detail, I'm jealous. Your word choice is so beautiful. I mean I know how well you write, but for something like a war story it's just so necessary and you're the best writer for that, especially all the destruction and the burning. It's a real talent tbh

The first impression I'm getting of the main character is that he's very...calm. Like that he's seen so much of this shit that he's used to it now. It kinda makes me sad. He even says so himself that he's seen this for a few years. That makes me really sad.

UGH AND YOU ENDED THE CHAPTER WITH THE SAME LINE. Victoria, you're killing me with the poeticism.

DVA
The thought of snipers just waiting to aim at you and shoot is one of the most terrifying situations. Like jesus, I wanna get all of these people out of Sarajevo and put 'em in my house.

"We live for another day, not that it matters when men besiege the city you are defending with expensive weapons and little to lose." this is so sad and somewhat happy at the same time which ultimately makes me sad because it's not over yet. One little victory still doesn't mean much in the long run, but at least they're hanging on.

"I breathe in a silent sigh of relief. I wish to see no more fighting today. All I want, with every fibre in my body, is to sit in my own home and rest my gaze once again upon my family." YOOOOO can we see the family soon? I wanna know what people do during times of peace like this. Does the MC have kids? Wife/Husband? Parents? It'd be really cool to see the effects of this war on civilians too as well as soldiers like the MC.

I'm pressed there aren't any more chapters but I remember reading this before and absolutely loving it. Please continue this, for the sake of my heart (if you couldn't tell from above).

Jedan

Bloody hell Victoria, what is it with you and starting brilliant stories only to just abandon them? This was last updated in 2015 - and will hit a year in June - that's just not acceptable.

You start with the line I presume the title came from -- and then end with the exact same line. The repetition really drives home the destruction of Sarajevo as seen through the eyes of one of the civilians who is there fighting for it. Then the fact that the line being the first and last sentence of the chapter means it comes full circle just gives it more of an impact, because despite the chapter speaking about the smells, the people, part of the backstory, it comes back to the sight, of just how bad all that put together is - the place is burning, and as with flames, the more you try to contain it when untrained, the more likely it is to spread. The mention of how the men are practically kids, barely past the age of 18, alludes to that as well.

The description of the destruction, of how it slowly came to be, and how those men have their sleep robbed is truly wondrous. You're providing enough to educate the reader on the history without information dropping unnecessarily which can only but be commended.

For a while I was wondering why Sarajevo sounded so familiar to me, but then I looked it up and realised that's where Franz Ferdinand was assassinated! Like, duhhhh.

Dva

The opening paragraph tells of such a bittersweet victory. Their men aren't in the gunfire, their men won't be losing their lives and their wives being forced to mourn their premature deaths - how you made it that it's a victory that those terrible things aren't happening to them, but yet it makes the reader realise that whoever was the victim of that gunfire has to face those terrible loses and reactions. That regardless of the side who was faced with the causalities, there will always be those at home who will have to mourn for the loss of war.

"Nobody ever wins. We only survive." ---- yes, so much. That is war, where it's a win to those who never once engaged in the fighting and yet is just survival, a means to make it home at the end of the day, for those who face the horrors. A fight or a night might be 'won' but at what cost?

The end of the chapter is just perfect. He's humanised, complete and utterly taken back from the warzone and shown that he has a family, he doesn't want to be a soldier, doesn't want to fight, because there's people he loves and cares about who he might never see again. You just hit it spot on.

You really ought to update this. This would be a perfect short story, honestly, if you're struggling because you see it as a full length one. If you need someone to kick your arse to update, I would be more than willing to do so.

The darkness of things and the banner photo really accentuate the summary. This seems a little different than your usual writings, so I'm excited to see what you've done this time.


Right off the bat you paint a picture of destruction and drive home the message conveyed in your summary. The idea of destruction slowly making it's way to where M/C is seems terrifying, and you convey that well.

Young age and going out to war is something that I think will hit home hard for many, because there seems to be a constant issue of violence around the world this last decade. (Or forever throughout history, really.) Though many are big talk about it, I don't believe they wouldn't be scared and I think you do a fantastic job of writing as much.

Beginning and ending the chapter with the same line is insanely powerful. One thing strikes me as odd - smoking on patrol. If talking would give them away, wouldn't the cherry of the cigarette?


Oh my god yes. The way your words flow is seriously poetic. If not published as a complete novel, I can definitely see the second paragraph being reformatted as a poem based on the word play alone. The little details you include about how daily life is, and about the guns is really great at making this realistic - the same goes for Srpska kopilad.

"They simply fight for their country." Now I don't know much about the sides and countries here, but I can never understand why one country feels entitled to another. I hope Sarajevo does good in protecting their people from the ones bringing them harm. I can't wait for an update!

I believe there should be a comma after more in if not more than any blood tie.


You've done a phenomenal job so far, and have honestly left me speechless. I do hope characters names will be introduced soon. A character page might also be nice just so we can see what the main characters look like~ (Or maybe even for something creative, like a casualties list *shrug*) You've got my sub~

Years too late, but I get around to commenting on this too.

TBH the main reason I've decided to read it was title-- I'm from a tiny country right next to Bosnia, so it grabbed my attention immediately

I'm not all that into politics and history and know only vague facts and stories mainly about the part where I live, but your piece is so raw and beautifully written; it holds attention and I just couldn't stop reading it c:

_{A tiny, tiny correction within the language; it is correct to say 'Srpska kopilad'. Unfortunately, when it comes to Balkanian languages, Google translate is only good for individual words ; u ;
(It is also such an accurate term to use in this context oh my god)}

The summary grabbed in immediately. The way you have written the summary is compelling, it makes me want to learn about the burning of Sarajevo. You can hear the lack of hope in the narrator's voice. It sets the tone of the story immediately, giving readers an idea of what it is to come.

Chapter One

God, this opened so hauntingly. 'Sarajevo is burning' was such a good way to start this. It hits the reader immediately, it fits the mood and idea of the story so perfectly. I love how you have not in anyway sugar coated the ways of war - it's haunting, it's horrible and it's terrifying. My chest felt a little tight whilst reading through it, because you're portrayed war so well and I see that you've done so much research to make it right.

The descriptions you use throughout are not overwhelming, but they are impactful. I can feel myself standing alongside these soldiers and these civilians, almost living through this war with them. You paint a vivid image in the reader's head, the acrid stench of searing flesh' and 'lulling the entire city into a state of wary comfort' were two particular lines I found rather impactful. The first quote I used is so rich, it's like I am there, too. It makes the reader uncomfortable, which is what it is meant to do. The second quote really, really emphasises on the fear that everyone else is feeling. There is a sense of relaxation, but you leave the reader to sit on edge regardless.

I love the history you give to the country. Giving us that information makes it more impactful and emotional. The narration is gritty and raw, an incredibly realistic tone for someone who is living through and fighting in a war. It put things into perspective realistically.

'It is reassuring — pain means that they have not won. Pain means we are still here to feel, here to oppose the oppressive regime that we have lived through for so long.' This was probably my favourite quote within the first chapter. I feel a glimmer of hope just reading about it, I'm rooting for this character who barely has an established name which is such a skilful thing to do. I want them to come out victorious, despite the likelihood that our happy ending will not happen. You also made me feel incredibly sorry for them all, despite having no name's. All it took was small details and then I felt for them.

I love how you ended the chapter the same way it opened. That is one of my favourite things that could happen in a story, and you've done it so well. The second instance of 'Sarajevo is burning' is even more haunting than the first, now that we have learnt the state of Sarajevo and those who reside in it.

Chapter Two

You really, really do have a way with words. The entire second paragraph in this chapter was so beautifully put together, I loved every moment of reading it. You painted it so well that I could picture the smoke against the skyline and the hills hiding the snipers. I love how your descriptions are so suitable to the story you are writing and they are just so amazing, seriously! That whole second paragraph made me want to swoon at your writing

'I feel the grit from the evening dislodge itself from my gums'. Oh god, this is a beautiful line. It's simple yet it is so powerful. As I've said many times before, I absolutely love the talent you have with the way you describe things and use words. This was probably one of my favourite lines within the whole story.

I love how, despite this being a war story, you make the characters human. Through all the things that are inhumane, you make the characters (particularly the narrator) human in their actions and thoughts, especially within the last paragraph of the second chapter. I can feel all the emotions that they feel - the pain, the relief, the hope, the hopelessness, even. I think you've made it easy for the reader to connect with the characters due to their human natures, rather than them being either emotionless soldiers or caricatures of war.

I think the only problem I had with the second chapter was that when I got to the end it felt a little incomplete. It just seemed to fall a little flat to me, but that may just be me, of course.

Overall / Extras

I love that you wrote this in the present tense - it makes the story more intense, like you're moving along with the events of it. This isn't just a recollection of what happened, this is happening now. It makes me fear more because both me and the character have no idea what may happen in the future. I honestly don't think I have any criticism to give. I absolutely loved this, you handled the topic and research so well.

I also really like the layout, it really set the mood for the story!

First of all by just looking at the layout it is amazing. It sets the mood for the story really well. I love the banner, it reminds me of a young man who wants to go off to war but can't. I also love the backround, it kind of reminds me of the dark clouds that would hang over a burning city after the fire is gone, which fits your story perfectly.

I love the detail and the research you did to make this story as historically accurate as you could. I love authors who put that kind of effort into stories. I love how you added phrases and words in the language they speak. It makes it seem more realistic.

I love the detail that you use in the story, I usually dislike people who add very little description to their stories, but you however, I love the description you use.

Best wishes for the rest of your writing.

~Sammuel

First of all by just looking at the layout it is amazing. It sets the mood for the story really well. I love the banner, it reminds me of a young man who wants to go off to war but can't. I also love the backround, it kind of reminds me of the dark clouds that would hang over a burning city after the fire is gone, which fits your story perfectly.

I love the detail and the research you did to make this story as historically accurate as you could. I love authors who put that kind of effort into stories. I love how you added phrases and words in the language they speak. It makes it seem more realistic.

I love the detail that you use in the story, I usually dislike people who add very little description to their stories, but you however, I love the description you use.

Best wishes for the rest of your writing.

~Sammuel

This is so good, like, wow. You've got some seriously thick descriptions here and I am living for it! I feel like I'm in this story, which is terrifying and that's a good thing! Means you're really getting the descriptions right!

I like the addition of the words and phrases in BCS. I'm quite familiar with the Slavic languages and know they can be very daunting for non-native speakers.

The layout is perfection. It's easy to read and really sets the tone and complements all your descriptions perfectly.

Ugh I always love your writing so much. I tend to shy away from reading things about war because I find, though I don't know much about war, it's not very accurate. But it's obvious that you have done some research and really want to portray things as well as you can which is really nice.

The layout really sets the mood for the story, the banner image fits perfectly and the background reminded me of the smoke from his cigarette, which kind of sounds weird buttt.

The detail is so on point, like always, and the fact that you wrote in present tense really adds to the intensity of the story. I feel like I'm there sitting beside the characters as they go through this war. It's really great.

I also loved that you started and ended the first chapter with the same sentence. It felt like it was super ambiguous at the beginning, because it could mean anything, but at the end it really made sense and tied everything together. If that makes any sense.

But yeah, if you couldn't tell, I love this story I can't wait to see what happens!

This is an amazing piece of writing, your discription is brilliant so it's really easy to picture it in your head as you read and you can almost put yourself right there with the characters. I am not usually into reading this kind of storyline but since I started reading stuff that comes up on the take a comment, leave a comment I have been coming across such good stories that I would never have looked for on my own and I am so glad about that.

I wish I could comment on the layout like others have but I am on my sons tablet and unfortunately the layout does not show so next time you update I will go to my computer to read it as I am super interested in seeing it now haha.

I look forward to reading more and finding out how this war goes, you said in the note at the bottom that you have an obsession with war and it really shows trough your writing and that's great!

Xxxxxxx

Very gorgeous layout! It's really pretty and doesn't distract from the story. If you have the link to that background image I would love to use it in some layouts if that's okay with you?

I'm impressed on your history of knowledge and how you're writing about a war that happened before you were born. In the short description you've captured the fear of civilians in a war zone perfectly. That feeling of hopelessness and that underlying wait for death is quickly captured in such a short section of text.

And holy crap, straight off the bat in your first chapter that descriptive writing is perfection. To describe the smell of a burning city so well is amazing. I can feel the fear of being there, the terror of an uncontrollable fire. This was filled with fast pace and fear, it's powerful.

I am truly impressed by how you've made the people real. They fight when they feel like there is no victory because this is there home and their life and their families who are dying. I like the lack of conversations in this story is good. When war is occurring I think people are more observant of their surroundings and will pay less attention to the things people are saying because fighting is something that drones on day after day and the only thing which they remember is significant events, not the date or what people have said.

All around really good story and I'm impressed that you've managed to fit so much detail into only two chapters and you've set the scene well for an impressive story.

This story is amazing, I've stumbled across detail heaven and I love it! The flow is great and the topic you've chosen to concentrate on is gripping :) Great job with this!

The summary is flawless. It's the kind of summary that packs a punch - POW! Yeah, it's really a good one.

You wrote this in present tense which is kind of amazing. All the more it adds to the impact of the story, actually. The descriptions - need I say it? They are impeccable. It's not too much either. It's balanced.

Their aim was solid and true and in the past few months, I had watched many a Bosnian soldier fall at their hands.
I think you didn't mean to add the extra "a" there. Also, "soldier" should be plural.

Overall, I think this is great! I can totally see the scene because you've practically painted a picture with your words. I think you can make the story better if you proofread it because there might be grammatical mistakes that you've missed, like the one I've mentioned above. Good job on this one!

This is so intense. The way it flows and the description is just impeccable. You set the scene so well, and the feeling I get from the story makes me not want to stand in it. I love how incorporated the actions are, "Kicking the edge of my heels relentlessly against the edge of the kerb" and "stubbing out my own cigarette against the wall in a similar fashion" are both so easy to relate to, so easy to see. Honestly, this is a wonderful piece of fiction, I never would have read it if it wasn't an option on the my mibba page, but I'm glad I did. You've done a wonderful job.

Wow, just wow.
This is so well-written; I love your writing style.
Right away, the tone is immediately well-established, and you pull the readers in with those powerful sensory details. All that does a very good job of immersing the reader in the place and events that you are describing here.
So, I'm assuming the events of this story are based on things that either have happened or are currently still happening. I will admit ignorance of the subject. I think that this piece becomes even more profound when we remember that this writing is based on the suffering of real people. At one point, I honestly had to stop reading because of this revelation. I think besides being well-written pieces like this can help bring more awareness to issues faced by people around the world, which I think is a very good thing, especially with the population of this site being mostly young people.
As I just stated, I'm not very familiar with this particular subject, so I would not be able to spot inaccuracies well, but I will say that you seem to have done your research and you've done well with writing about the events with care and sensitivity.
Overall, I would say this is a very well-written piece, and I'm glad that I read it. Keep up the good work!

It’s very hard to convey such a strong aesthetic through words, but your descriptions of Sarajevo in the beginning are so vivid that I can see it so clearly in my head – the death and destruction, Jakša’s feelings about it. I found it interesting that he seems more worn out than anything, and I think that really shows how badly war can take a toll on everyone involved. These men are so young and yet they’ve seen horrible things (that goes for a lot of soldiers across history, actually), and that’s one thing that makes this so powerful. I’m really interested to see where you take this, I know it’s gonna be incredible!

Just taking a moment to stop by and say that this is awesome. It's nice to see someone else whose writing is inspired by conflicts in the world.