January 22nd, 2016 at 09:02pm
Firstly, I noticed that in both chapters 1 and 2, you changed tenses often. From a present participle (or present tense), it became past tense or past participle (or vice versa). You kept changing from present to past often throughout the chapter.
The smell of damp cement and gasoline clung to her nostrils and woven itself within the fabrics of her clothing.
Woven and wove are two different things. The former is a past participle and the latter is simply in the past tense. Past participles are used with “have” or “be”. For example: Many hands were raised. In the sentence, raised becomes a past participle due to the use of were which is a verb in past tense.
Marcella was seven when it happened, bright apricot flames illuminated and reflected from premature eyes.
As for details, I feel like the story is merely telling rather than showing. In the first chapter, where there was an abundance of descriptions, there’s a lot of misplaced modifiers that made it hard to follow through the paragraph. The part underlined above is one of the misplaced modifiers I was talking about. It also doesn’t really describe what happened; there’s just this extremely vague idea of the event. Although a little ambiguity is good for a story, there are times when you can only put descriptions where they are needed.
In the first chapter, there was an incredible lack in punctuation. Dialogues need to have a punctuation. Without punctuation in sentences, they become run-on sentences or just incomplete ones. There are some comma splices as well, although it’s purely a stylistic choice.
Diction and details are two things that makes a story more interesting. Words can be and should be played with. There are a lot of ways to describe the color brown or how the dress fits in a body. There are many ways to describe movement and physical appearances. But you shouldn’t overly describe things; just leave enough for the reader’s imagination.
The characters are bland, in my opinion. Give them more life! Be more specific in how you describe a character. The character’s surroundings can give a background on who they are as a person. Their past can also be described through the setting – where they are, what they’re doing, what they’re holding in their hands, what they’re feeling, etc. I, personally, like reading about how the character thinks. It makes me feel closer to them. Describing their movement and thoughts can be a way to make a character seem alive. In addition to that, you can move the plot forward with the things I’ve mentioned above.
Thank you for writing this story! It has potential but a little proofreading and editing would help. You can drop by the Editing Hub in the forums if you want.
The amount of description in this chapter just blew me away. The author, which ever one it is, did a wonderful job in creating the scene and describing the characters. Not much was given away about Marcella and what she does, with the beating and killing and whatnot. I can guess, by what happened in the chapter, that she is either a gang leader or something like that. She makes the decisions and the other tend to follow her; the police were also involved, so I just assume that they aren't complete saints.
I really like the mystery surrounding the chapter, As I said before, not much was said about them, which only leaves me with questions about who they are, what they have done to have someone go to the police, stuff like that.
Toxic
The exchange between Francesca and Giovanni was so secret. By just looking at each other, I felt that they were talking to each other. They seemed impatient, just waiting for the wine glass to be empty. It makes me wonder why on earth they wanted the man dead. Do they want his money? Will they get his company (if he has one, of course)? Who knows.
Calm. That's the feeling I got from this chapter. Both of them were very calm, knowing what was going to happen, and have come to terms with what they were doing.
Both chapters were very enjoyable to read because they introduced the characters very well. I can tell that they are involved in criminal stuff, especially Marcella. As for the other two, I couldn't tell too much since the poisoning was a secret, and can't really be traced back to them. It was just a freak accident to the others around them. I think this story is interesting and has potential to be something really awesome. Good work on this story so far!