Deal With the Devil - Comments

Right off the bat I was blown away with your characterization of Ciel and Lizzy (especially Lizzy). Both are well done and on point from what I've seen of Black Butler. Yes, it does seem to be moving a bit fast, but right along side that, you are capturing the personalities and describing them so well.

Speaking of describing, I am thoroughly enjoying your descriptions. They are concise and clear. I can actually picture what's going on in the story. I am very into the flower-y embellishment of a sentence with a brilliant description.

I loved the little bit about the moon in the first chapter. Moon symbolism in stories always makes me happy and you used it in such a cute, but powerful, way. I feel like Ciel's thought process about the moon may come in to play a significant part later on (same with his rings).

All-in-all, I think the introduction/first chapter was very effective in setting the story and introducing the characters. I plan to read more of this story!

@ Lady Phantomhive
I know what you mean. Beginnings can always be the hardest thing to write. Other than the fact that the pace was a bit quicker than I expected, I didn't mind the first chapter because it kinda introduced me to the character and what type of life he might lead. It was a bit helpful for me as I've never seen/read this anime/manga. Hence why I didn't realize Victoria was the principal's last name, but the informality of it matched Ciel and Sebastian, I think.

Yeah, the ring definitely seems important, and even I (someone who has no background knowledge of this anime/manga) was able to pick up on that. That's why it'd be really nice to emphasize that ring from the get go instead of minor details here and there and to separate it from any other rings Ciel may wear. Without extra sensory description or background information, the ring may not seem as important as you want it to. It'd also help make it more memorable for readers like me, who haven't seen/read this, when you reference back to the ring throughout the rest of the story.

No problem! I think you've got some great ideas going! Good luck!

@ sightless.
Thank you for the feedback! As I mentioned in a couple other comments, first chapters are my biggest weakness and even when I rewrote it, it's still kind of sketchy to me. I have a bad habit of a few things and I'm hoping that I'll work through them as I begin to write more in the future.

As with the principal, Victoria is her last name. I derived the fact of them calling her by her last name from what I do at school (which I probably shouldn't because it's incredibly informal). I also need to talk about the rings a little more because the reason why I stress about them is because they're stressed in the anime/manga also.

I'm rambling now; sorry. Thank you for giving me feedback though. It gives me the motivation to improve the little bad habits I have when I write. ^.^

I think the cover photo, short description, summary, and story layout are all quite intriguing. The first three worked well in getting me curious and interested in what the story had to offer, which is great. Judging from the first few chapters, I think the dark tones of the layout match well with the seriousness of the case and the tragic pasts of the characters. It was well thought out, and for the most part, so was the story. I can tell that you've put a good deal of thought and effort into this, and that's great because I like that it seems to be something you like to write about!

I also quite like the format you've gone with for this story; that is, I find it nice that you've broken up the story into alternating between Ciel and Sebastian. It's cool to be able to see the story progress through two different characters and get to know them both through their own thoughts as well as how the other character perceives them.

That being said, I noticed you moved a bit quickly in the first two chapters. For one, in Ciel's chapter, I saw that you jumped to many different scenes, and it felt a bit like I was being tugged all over the place. This might be because I haven't read or written on this site for a bit, so I'm not used to creative writing anymore. You didn't really have this issue so much in Sebastian's case since you switched around less. However, I was a bit surprised at the progression of his feelings for Ciel. At first, he is just attracted to Ciel and finds him cute, and suddenly, he questions how he could have fallen in love with Ciel all in the same chapter. It would've been lovely to see the progression of these feelings as the story went along or maybe you could've explained how Sebastian fell for Ciel as he watched Ciel prior to the eye contact (if that's what happened).

I also found it a bit odd that both boys just call the principal by her first name. It kind of took away from the authoritative position she should have as both a principal and a boss, seeing as they are her watchdogs.

I would have maybe liked a bit more description regarding Ciel's ring as it seems to be important. At first, you kind of just mentioned offhand that it was inherited. When you touched on the subject of the ring again, you mentioned its color. Sebastian also notes its color, so I'm seeing this ring get brought up a handful of times. Maybe when you first mention it, you could add a little more detail? That could signal that it's more than just an inherited ring and it can differentiate it from the other ring you mentioned him wearing, which I believe was also an inherited ring(?).

Overall, from what I read, I like the way you offer both characters' perspectives and hint at what they have gone through without outright dropping the bomb on us. It's a great way to create suspense and tease the readers!

@ hail.
Thank you for the feedback! I know I really, really need to work on that first chapter; I've been meaning to, but I haven't had the chance and I've always felt like they're my weakest point sometimes.

There are also quite a few habits that I have when it comes to writing; moving things too quickly, for example. ^^;

The feedback means a lot though and it's shown me a few things that I really need to work on in future chapters/stories.

I was drawn to this story due to my love for Black Butler in high school. The summary drew me in, however I was a bit turned off by the start. I suppose it's because I'm used to a real attention grabber right off, but I found myself kind of bored until about half-way through the first chapter.

I did notice that you went ooc for Ciel a few times. He would've remained arrogant instead of cowering down slightly when he approached Principal Victoria. He wouldn't have let his voice shake (I could be wrong and forgive me if I am, it has been a few years). However, the rest of the chapter really fit his character well. There were a few times with Lizzy that I would've liked to see him a little more withdrawn and uninterested as he was in the manga/anime, but I still really enjoyed how you portrayed their relationship nonetheless.

Some of the characters mentioned I was a little fuzzy on. Honestly, I would've really liked a little more background on them. Not to mention there were, in my opinion, quite a few characters introduced at once in chapter one which did kind of overwhelm me. I believe it's just a personal preference, but I'm horrible with names, so I'd have to scroll back up to make sure that I was reading about the person I thought I was before scrolling back down. (If that makes sense?)

I did notice you forgot to put space between two lines of text by different people:

“How long have you been here?” Her face turning red as she spoke. “About twenty minutes. I had a meeting with Victoria about having Funtom donate a few more dollars to the school.” The lie easily fell off my lips.

And another place where the same thing happened:

I happened to be staring off into space, thinking about the case, when Lizzy said something, her mouth stuffed half full with salad. “What did you say?” I asked her in confusion and she finished chewing her food before whispering to me, “Why is that guy over there staring at us?”

The little bit between Ciel and his mother tugged at my heartstrings, especially knowing how his parents perished.

All-in-all, the detail is amazing. I really do love how much you put into your stories. There was a few times where I was confused at what was going on and other times where it felt like things were moving a little too quickly, but I still quite enjoyed this.

@ Lady Phantomhive

You're very welcome, Lady. I don't usually read FanFics (mainly because I usually have what I believe to be THE Nirvana for the characters in my head... head canon for the win, haha!) but this one was actually interesting and kept my attention.

And I know that no one's story is perfect in the beginning. Many of my OWN stories are really shaky when they begin but practice makes perfect and gotta love practice!

@ TypicallySadistic
Thank you so much for the feedback! I do have to admit, whenever I start a story, it's always a little shaky, but I've been meaning to edits a couple of parts in the beginning so it comes out better. Besides that, your feedback made my day! ^.^

Kuroshitsuji is one of my favorite mangas (and made a decent Anime out of Black Butler too, not to be too silly) and I have to say that this was actually really good! A little jarring at first, to be fair, but I did like it. Can't wait to read more! :3

This is really good. Never thought I'd find another Kuroshitsuji fanfic this good. Way to go, dear! c: