Ravenous - Comments

Your summary was interesting, right from the start I wanted to know what was going on with Rose and why she was so dangerous.

I thought you set up the relationships between Rose and the people around her well in the first few chapters. It was clear that even though they were taking care of her, they were scared of her and she was basically their prisoner. I felt like Theo was introduced kind of randomly in the third chapter, so I'm hoping he makes an appearance again so we can get to know him and see how Rose interacts with a human.

I thought everything escalated super quickly, especially with the punishment that Tobin went with for Rose, but I suppose that was sort of needed to set Rose up for leaving her "family" and figuring out what her father was and all of that stuff.

Interesting story so far, good luck writing the rest!

Interesting story. The summary really drew me in. Right off the bat, I wanted to find out what Rose was, why she was dangerous, and who was holding her captive.

The first few chapters did a good job of establishing Rose's relationships with the others. In the first chapter, I felt like her caretaker was a very strict father-figure for Rose. In the second chapter, I started to see how the other people (?) viewed Rose and how they don't view her as part of the community, but more as an oddity or an outsider they have to be weary of. By the fifth chapter, I definitely started to see Rose as a prisoner and her caretaker and friend as her captors. Their treatment of her seems unusually cruel - especially since they've known her all her life and seem to have at least pretended to care about her. I feel that by the fifth chapter, I couldn't help but think 'That escalated quickly.'

My favorite part, so far, was probably chapter 3. I feel like for most of the story there isn't much info/hints towards what's really going on in this world (if whatever Rose and the others are exists outside of the human world or if they share it), but chapter 3 spoke a little more about that. I thought it was interesting that Theo would be killed just because Rose looked at him. It made me wonder what Rose was or what she really looked like, and why having her even look at an outsider would be an issue. Chapter 3 definitely helped peaked my interest.

@ HeartRate
Thank you! And don't worry we will be seeing a whole different side of her to. Plus there will be some added characters and a love interest :)

First off, I will say that I like the layout. A little more detail could be added to the background or maybe around the text, but then again less is more ;) Anyway, I usually don't like supernatural stories involving the stereotypical clash of werewolves and vampires, but this one isn't bad. Your dialogue is believeable and doesn't sound stiff or just plain unnatural. Which can be a key element that makes or breaks a story. But, having another personal preference, in my opinion its a cliché to have the main character be the only one who has special abilities, being the last of a race, being more gifted than others, etc. But occasionally I don't mind when the overall scope is well written and this appears to have potential. The only thing I would urge here is to refrain from stereotypical personalities. For example, it's good to have a stubborn/feisty heroine, but also giver her some contrast. Vices and habits that make her appear more real. Show sides of her character that may be soft or silly or maybe even pitiful. But overall, not a bad start. Goodluck!

this is a very interesting concept especially if it deals w/ a hybrid like rose. she's not full vampire but definitely something more & though it's not thrown out altogether, the reader gets an interesting perspective, especially since she's being reprimanded by a superior for almost blowing her cover. of course, there are so many q's i have & no doubting how great this story will be as the chapters progress.

there were a few sentences that i felt could've been written a bit better as you reused the eye color descriptions quite a lot, but aside that, it's little to the world you've created here & doesn't distract from rose & her future endeavors

So I was drawn here by your interview and who can pass up an R rated werewolfish story?

I read through it and I rather like the mystery, as many others have pointed out. I did flail around when it ended on the ULTIMATE cliffhanger of her passing out though. What a dictatorship though, eh? I rather like the world you're setting up and I'm curious to know if you'll be doing more with it or if this is an abandoned project. Either way, it was quite a delight to read and has left me wondering if there's more to it, if she'll see the poor human again, and... well, I felt really bad for Tobin. Having to be that sort of 'friend'. If he can still be called that.

What I like about the first chapter, and the others, is that it really wasn't explained what exactly Rose is from the beginning. She is half of two different creatures without really say what they are. I mean, the reader can maybe think it's a sort of vampire or something since it mentioned that they have to survive on blood, but that's just an inference that we can make since it doesn't outright say.

Goodness. I just want to know why exactly they are keeping her away from the world. I mean, punishing her for running away? There must be a really good reason why she has to stay away from everyone... And I want to know what it is!

You include only a few pieces of information about the characters in each chapter, but never telling the whole backstory or reasons, which frustrates me as a reader, but I secretly love it. I mean, if you just straight up told the reader everything within the first few chapters, then what will we be waiting for in the future chapters? So much mystery in the story and I just love it.

So, this probably isn't going to be a very in depth comment. This reminded me a lot of Vernacular, in the way it was written (since I remember reading that). It isn't quite the same, but its obviously the same sort of writing style, and I don't know what it is about it, but I do like your writing style quite a bit.

Also, if you're planning for this story to be a mystery, you are doing an excellent job. All you've given the reader is that the characters aren't human and there's also other creatures not human in the world. Well, I take that back. Since they drink blood, that sort of obviously alludes to the fact that they're vampires, but you didn't just come out and say the word. The reader had to guess it for themselves.

Anyway, I like how its all sort of shrouded in mystery, and you have to salvage tidbits to get answers. No one's mentioned what happened to Theo, though I'm honestly not sure whether to believe that he was killed because she briefly talked to him or if she was the only one punished. Either way, very interesting, that. And if this is anything like Underworld, which you mentioned in the first chapter, she's half lycan (werewolf, whatever you wanna call it).

All in all, you're doing great so far, and I'm subscribing so I can -hopefully- read more soon!

Hey there!

I really like the idea behind the story, even though I have no idea what Rose is, or who the other guys are. The part about her always wanting to run away was touching, and it had a real feel to it. I’m still wondering about the Theo guy though. I know I shouldn’t just randomly ask, but does he have a further part? I somehow want him to, haha

I have a neutral feeling for Tobin though. I don’t dislike him, but I don’t like him either. Just what is going on? I hope you reveal that soon! For now I’m guessing she may be part vampire/human or vampire/werewolf (she liked the moon) OR maybe she’s some unknown species! I have a really good feeling about this story!

Now, about your writing. Its good and it definitely pulled me in. But I would have liked some description in the third chapter. Like, could Theo see Tobin? Or was he invisible or something? How was the whole thing going on? Besides that,, the story is kinda cool. I hope things go well for Rose. Keep updating! (:

The first chapter I found to be interesting I'm not sure what she or they are yet but I'm going to assume they're vampires since they need to feed on blood. I do wonder what her father was perhaps a werewolf since she can eat food assuming that my assumption of them being vampires is correct it would also explain why everyone looks at her strangely.

So I'm no grammar expert so I may be wrong in these corrections and I may not have caught them all from uncertainty but I do think I found a few.

So the first mistake I think I see in the first paragraph.

You deliberately disobeyed my orders, you went beyond our community limits. Almost got caught and seen by the humans, could have gotten yourself killed.

I think it should be

You deliberately disobeyed my orders; you went beyond our community limits, almost got caught by the humans and could have gotten yourself killed.

I don't think you need to say caught and seen in the same sentence I think getting caught already implies you've been seen so adding it seemed kind of pointless to me.

The next is the sentence

How could he blame her for being curious, wanting to know these things.

I think should be

How could he blame her for being curious and wanting to know these things.

The last is in the final paragraph.

"If I catch you again..." He turned his back to her."You will be severely punished." With out a second glance, he left the room- slamming her door behind him.

Should be

"If I catch you again..." He said turning his back to her "You'll be severely punished." With out a second glance, he left the room, slamming her door behind him.

On the first chapter:

I'm not sure I'm a fan of this starting with a quotation like that. Sometimes it works, but this feels like I'm missing something - like I came into a conversation late. A little amount of internal monologue or something would make this start off better for me. What the man says could be fixed a little as well, in my opinion.

Something like this: "You deliberately disobeyed my orders: you went beyond our community limits, almost got caught and seen by the humans, and could have gotten yourself killed."

There are little mistakes here and there, but nothing too distracting.

'how ever she could thrive from both- blood and food. Its as if she was half of them...' should be 'however, she could thrive from both blood and food. It's as if she was half of them...'

'How could he blame her for being curious, wanting to know these things.' There should be a question mark at the end, not a comma.

'With out a second glance, he left the room- slamming her door behind him.' should be 'Without a second glance he left the room, slamming her door behind him.'

In the end of the chapter you didn't put a space between 'him' and the quotation.

I also feel like Rose's name could have been mentioned earlier in the chapter, preferably as close to the beginning as possible.

The story itself is quite interesting and I can understand how Rose is feeling what she is. It's a pretty good story, and worth the read.

Hi!

Even though it's only four chapters right now, you've done an incredible job placing this mystery point into the plot. Clearly Rose is something other than a human, kept hidden away (Within a cult, perhaps?) and she reminds me a bit of Ariel from The Little Mermaid. She's one thing, and just wants to join everyone else, but is held back by what she says.
Tobin, I think, could be two faced. Or maybe he's just really determined to do a good job, even if it means turning in his best friend. I like how you've kept background details on the characters quiet for now, it definitely builds with the mystery theme.
I don't have any negative feedback at this point. I look forward to the next update. :)

Uhhuh. I really am not sure what to think about Tobin. He seems like an arse to me, but he could just be obeying orders.

The plot thickens, though. Nice cliffhanger in there - I'll be waiting eagerly for an update.

edit: jesus christ what the heck is wrong with me :D posted this twice, too (sorry)

Uhhuh. I really am not sure what to think about Tobin. He seems like an arse to me, but he could just be obeying orders.

The plot thickens, though. Nice cliffhanger in there - I'll be waiting eagerly for an update.

Jesus, sorry, I didn't mean to post this twice. D: Stupid me.

I, too, like the layout a lot. It's clean and easy for the eyes, and moreover, it sets an atmosphere for the story. 10/10, excellent job with it.

Giving only vague information about Rose works well, although it does make her feel a little distant. But the story is still only starting, and so far distant works fine. Later on she will probably get closer to the reader.

Overall, curiousity piqued succesfully. I will definitely want to read more.

I, too, like the layout a lot. It's clean and easy for the eyes, and moreover, it sets an atmosphere for the story. 10/10, excellent job with it.

Giving only vague information about Rose works well, although it does make her feel a little distant. But the story is still only starting, and so far distant works fine. Later on she will probably get closer to the reader.

Overall, curiousity piqued succesfully. I will definitely want to read more.

Layout and Summary

Layout is lovely, simple and easy to read. Ticks all the boxes! The summary is really nice as well, it incites that bit of mystery but still lets the reader know roughly what they're getting themselves into by starting to read. Nothing negative to say in this section!

Content

I'm instantly curious as to what Rose has done that has caused such concern! The fact that you instantly paint her as someone who is so startlingly different to the norm also makes me want to know more about her right from the word go. I want to know why she's so different, what makes her an unusual character. Again, much like the summary, it's all very mysterious and makes me read on just to find out more. Your character development even in the first few chapters is very strong, which is definitely a positive.

You keep re-iterating this idea of Rose being extremely dangerous and that's got me interested in what's to come. I have a feeling that everything is going to hit the fan and she's going to be forced to realise her powers, whatever they may be, a lot faster than anyone anticipated. I'm really, really excited to see where that goes and how the human that she 'met' factors into all of this. Whatever happens, I'm totally assuming it'll be explosive, ha.

Constructive Criticism

I only noticed a few things throughout:

how ever -- chapter one. Should be however.

With out -- chapter one. Should be without.

apart -- chapter two. Should be a part.

your the most dangerous -- chapter two. Should be you're the most dangerous.

blood list -- chapter three. I think this should be blood lust?

keeo -- chapter three. Should be keep.

Overall

A few basic errors here and there, but largely amazing. I'm still really interested in finding out more about Rose so you've definitely hooked me in there. Awesome job!