January 27th, 2015 at 01:57am
I really like the idea for this! I always sit and wonder how these characters came about, what their childhoods were like and how they were brought up to be the way that they are. I'm not too familiar with the Sonic backstory (haven't played in ages, probably should) but I was really excited to see what this was going to be about!
It really is weird to be reading about Sonic as just doing normal things, as opposed to saving the world and all that jazz! I think that's part of the charm that this story has, it has this lovely little side to it that just makes Sonic seem so down-to-earth. Even if that doesn't keep up throughout the story, it's lovely to have that little section just at the beginning to remind you that Sonic isn't always saving everything and everyone, he does have that home life that he has to deal with.
The one suggestion I have in terms of grammar is to do with your dialogue. You should always take a new line when you go for a new set of dialogue by a different character. Example:
"Well that's great to hear Honey, as long as you get your room clean and of course helping your father with the yard, then that is fine with me for you to go out with your friends." "Thanks Mom, I knew you'd understand. Well, it's 8:30 I better get to bed."
should be:
"Well that's great to hear Honey, as long as you get your room clean and of course helping your father with the yard, then that is fine with me for you to go out with your friends."
"Thanks Mom, I knew you'd understand. Well, it's 8:30 I better get to bed."
Also, when you're using dialogue tags (he said, she said, etc.) then you should also make sure that you're using a comma before the close of the quotation marks and make sure that the next word is all in lowercase. For example:
"Man, that was great! I couldn't eat another bite. Thanks for the delicious dinner there Mom." The teenage hedgehog replied happily...
should be:
"Man, that was great! I couldn't eat another bite. Thanks for the delicious dinner there Mom," the teenage hedgehog replied happily...
It's a really simple fix, and one that I used to absolutely mess up myself.
Also, as I explained in the message earlier, you should have your author's notes (so the bit at the very beginning of your first chapter) in the author's note section at the bottom of the page. That's one of Mibba's rules so I'd sort that as quick as you can, just so it doesn't get flagged up again!
Other than that, this is a really good start. Keep up the awesome work!
Why thank you very much I will remember that next time thanks for letting me know :)