Genome Project. - Comments

Double post-- whoops.

I think that you have a great concept for this story! The summary is intriguing and as I get reading, you do a great job of giving the reader an idea of what everyday life is like for Ariel.

While you have done a great job setting up this story, there are a few writing things that may need to be reworked. Some of your sentence structures feel kind of run-on and choppy-- there doesn't seem to be a natural kind of flow in the storytelling, if that makes sense. I also noticed you've used a lot of semi-colon's (;) in an incorrect way.

Just as an example, one sentence that could be reworked is the opening sentence: "My name is Ariel Shards, when I was fifteen years old I was taken from my family and home; I was placed in something called the Genome Project." (This sentence seemed a bit run-on and also uses a semi colon where I don't think it works). I might rework this sentence as "My name is Ariel Shards and when i was fifteen years old I was taken from my family and home and placed in something called the Genome Project."

Of course, this is just a suggestion. Otherwise, I think your story shows a lot of creativity and potential!

Hello! I think this might be the first (maybe second) original fiction I've read of yours. I'm so ready to dig in!

Summary

Just from the summary, I'm sure I've never read (or seen) anything like this, so that's definitely a plus. It's always great to read stories that are *new* in more ways than one.

Right off the bat, the summary left me with a lot of questions (which is great), like how common is this sort of thing happening in this world? How did they manage to 'take' this girl (is it something that just regularly happens to unfortunate citizens or did they steal her under the cover of darkness)? Why are they taking random 'grown' people instead of, for example, 'harvesting' humans specifically for this purpose (like taking orphan/stolen babies and then growing them up in this 'lab' thing)? Why would they create a 'mate' for these creatures if they never intended for them to meet or actual mate?

Anywho, what I'm trying to say is that the summary definitely left me interested.

Concrit: I thought it was a little weird/confusing that the general name of this project is Genome Project but they also refer to each specific person/animal as 'project' too. I think it would be a little better for readers if it were easier to differentiate the overall project from the specific experiment subjects/trials (like each individual person/animal involved). So maybe call each person/animal the 'subject' instead of the 'project' (something like Genome Subject 12AG of the human race), so that it's a little clearer?

Chapter 1

The first few paragraphs of chapter one really answered a lot of the questions I had after reading the summary, though I don't know yet if that's a good or bad thing. (It's definitely good to know more about the character and their situation but sometimes spilling all the beans at once can feel a little overwhelming or like the 'big reveal' of the story has been spoiled a little. Sometimes it can be better to kind of release small details a little at a time instead.) Either way, I liked what I learned and I liked that it continued to make me curious enough to read more.

I felt like the jump from the first few paragraphs (which were describing Ariel's new life) to the present felt a little abrupt - like it went from being a character intro kind of chapter and then took a big turn into action. I kind of felt like I was missing something there.

I like that the people in charge are still a mystery. I couldn't help but wonder, Who's "they"? It's even more interesting considering that there are Earth-humans and aliens and animals all involved in this project and they seem to be working together. I really like that it seems like there's more to being 'chosen' for experimentation than just being a lab-rat. Even though Ariel was taken to be sliced (I'm wondering what she was sliced with?), she seems to be more than just an experiment or subject now. I think it's interesting that these people (are they even called people?) can kind of grow beyond that and be useful beyond the whole 'science project' phase.

* For some reason, while reading this, it kind of reminded me of Lilo and Stitch. I keep picturing the guy she spoke to in the office as Mr. Bubbles.

Concrit: I know you're aware of this (I've seen you post about it in the blogs before) but there's a lot of spelling/grammar errors. So much so, I think, that it actually affects the story. There's places where the punctuation issues really affects the flow of the sentence/paragraph/idea, so it's more than just an aesthetic problem. I know a lot of it comes from typing on your phone, so maybe getting a beta/proofreader to give things a quick look-through before posting would help. You might be able to find someone to help with that in the Editing/Proofreading thread - especially since you're still really early in the story and the proofreader wouldn't have to go through a bunch of older chapters to get caught up. (I know I'm usually more likely to proofread for someone if they're in the early stages of the story and I don't have 20 chapters to go back and edit.)

Chapter 2

Something I really like about this story is that there's a lot to learn. Each chapter, there's a new part of this world that gets to be revealed and I think that makes this story really interesting. I also think the length of your chapters makes this really easy to read. (I think that as a subscriber it would be a story that's easy to keep up with since the updates would only take a few minutes to get through - which means you can sneak in a chapter here and there even if you don't have a lot of free time to read. I love that.)

As I read this, whenever I see a little glimpse from her past, it worries me. For example with this line: "We all have a purpose, one day you will find yours." She spoke with a proud look on her face. It makes her mom look like she's probably guilty of something. I immediately thought, "Did this lady secretly sign up her poor child for this?) Sounds like trouble is brewing here.

I'm also really into all of these higher entities/groups too, like the Valor and the *three. I like that you took the time to create these different groups which I'm guessing all serve a different purpose or maybe have their own social standing. It's always interesting to read about social orders and clandestine sects in science-fiction.

I thought the action was pretty good too. Even though it was just a small glimpse of it, I think you do really well at describing it without being either too vague or too tedious.

* And one of the three... - I feel like this is meant to be a kind of entity - or like a head group of some sort. I think if it is, it might help to make it a proper noun, like The Three. It might put a little more weight to it.

Concrit: I think that here again, the scenes change so abruptly (one minute she was on some kind of transportation to Earth and the next she was in the library), it takes me a moment to catch up. So maybe if you could put in some kind of transition or break the chapters up a little differently, that might help.

---

Now that I'm all caught up, I'm definitely subscribing. I think you have really unique ideas going on here and I love that you're creating this entire world. I can't wait to see where it goes.

Well first the summary really drew me in I can't say that I've seen any sci-fi stories since I've been here so that made me happy. I found the concept to be interesting and found myself wondering why they chose to take her out of all the people in the world away from her family to place in this program. Was there some kind of process that made her the best candidate?

I also wonder if it was like the law that prevented her family from fighting against her being taken or was it just that they took her without anyone knowing?

I'm also wondering about this mate, is he the thing she needs to "fetch" and I also can't wait to see what abilities she has from the gene splicing.

OK first mistake I found was actually in the summary the part that says.

they would pick a hand full of creatures and slice their genes.

I think you meant

they would pick a hand full of creatures and splice their genes.

The second is also in the summary Ariel shards hould be Ariel Shards

The next was in the first paragraph

My name is Ariel Shards, when I was fifteen years old I was taken from my family and home; I was placed in something called the Genome Project.

I think it would probably flow better if it was

My name is Ariel Shards, when I was fifteen years old I was taken from my family and and placed in something called the Genome Project.

In the second paragraph I believe that

I went from being a normale human with a boring life; into something dangerous with a life of fear and adventure.

I went from being a normal human with a boring life into something dangerous with a life of fear and adventure.

In the fourth paragraph

star into the black void of space waiting for my next orders.

Should be

staring into the black void of space waiting for my next orders.

In the fifth paragraph I believe

I could hear the sigh escaping from their lips as they shuffled towards me; slightly out if breath.

I could hear the sigh escaping from their lips as they shuffled towards me slightly out if breath.

In the ninth paragraph I think instead of

How ever it wasn't long until I was in the safety of the captain cabins, captain Rye.

That maybe you meant

How ever it wasn't long until I was in the safety of the captain's cabin, captain Rye.

I found a few mistakes in the eleventh paragraph.

"No, the higher up did." My eyes raised as I was not looking at him, seated in his chair. "You must fetch something for them, something from the planet Earth." My ears twitched as the name, my heart rate slightly raising. "Is that clear?"

Should be

"No, the higher ups did." My eyes raised as I was now looking at him, seated in his chair. "You must fetch something for them, something from the planet Earth." My ears twitched at the name, my heart rate slightly raising. "Is that clear?"

Anything else I probably wouldn't be able to catch because I'm just not that good but all in all its a good story, good job.

I usually don't read stories like this, I usually read ones where the summary tells me basically everything that's going to happen. But, this first chapter captured me! What is she getting? Who is the other half? My interest is sparked and peaked!