Ravenwood - Comments

I'm definitely liking it so far! I like Eris and she's such a down-to-earth character. The pacing of the story so far is really good, and you've got super realistic dialogue which is pretty cool. I have to say that my favourite part has been the prologue so far. The feel of that chapter, and the way that she's sort of casting away from her Mum's quote is so interesting and sad. I'm only up to chapter 3, but I'll keep reading on! I"m interested in finding out more about the orphanage and how her family leaving her has impacted her really.

I really liked the summary, I thought it really drew me in and made me want to read it! I thought you gave just the right amount of information but still made it interesting and luring enough to keep reading! I was engrossed in every chapter of this so far. The overall tone you have, the bitterness and the cynicism of Eris, was captured so neatly. It made the character feel a lot more alive and real. She seemed a lot like somebody you could relate with, so I was really impressed by the characterisation you used. You've sort of put enough into each chapter that it's easy to process and read, and I really like the simplistic yet detailed descriptions you use. Anyway, fantastic start! Hope you update soon!

I couldn't read past chapter two because my computer wouldn't load it so forgive me if I'm a bit vague on my descriptions since I couldn't get very far.

Summary : Having that quote in the summary automatically makes your mind wander. It makes you wonder what exactly has her disbelieving that quote, what kind of person was the mother, and what kind of situation this narrator is in that makes them feel so apparently bitter. These questions were some of the things that drew me in.

Prologue : Having the quote from the mother in both the summary and the first chapter, followed by some kind of explanation to the narrator's feelings gives you some insight as to who the mother was to this person, and how they have become so bitter. This also lets you meet the character from a personal perspective it shows that this character is hurting because the event that caused her mother's death could have been prevented but fate, as she describes it, made things much worse for her.

Chapter 1 : Now here we are in a courtroom with the character we now know as Eris, and she's describing her feelings towards the abandonment of her and her sister by her remaining family. This lets you into more of who the character is, and introduces Persephone, her sister, as someone who she values dearly to her heart. And as the court ruling is carried out they are sent somewhere that could possibly separate them in the future which reveals her fear of being away from her sister. The description of Ravenwood as the girls approached was absolutely creepy, but really makes your brain paint a picture. I'm interested to see what follows when I can keep reading.

Oh! And I meant to add that the layout is beautiful! Very fitting and sets the tone for the story.

I like the cynical tone and obvious bitterness that Eris has in the prologue. Starting with a quote from her mother was good, and I loved the lines about the universe being a dick. Like, those small things are the universe's way of slapping you in the face. But losing her mother was something worse.

Chapter 1
I feel so sorry for the girls. I hate that no family showed up for them. Being adopted myself, I couldn't have imagined what it would have been like if no one was willing to take me in. And how creepy is the description of Ravenwood at night! Curious to see how/if that is foreshadowing what's to come!

Chapter 2
I really hope the girls don't get split up. That would certainly be tragic. Oh dang, what a spooky car ride! I'm with Eris, I hope it was just a bear. Although, I'm sure it wasn't.

Chapter 3
I never trust little towns like that! Haha. The photo at the end of the castle was great visual accompaniment.

Chapter 4
Hmm, Mr. Frost seems like an interesting character so I'm anxious to see how he will develop throughout the story. That forest is just so creepy, but I love the feeling and tone it gives to the story.

Chapter 5
Ichigo seems to be very vibrant and rambunctious. I'm curious about what is meant by dogs, like Eris is. The orphanage itself doesn't seem too creepy yet, so I'm wondering if it's the forest itself. Definitely looking forward to the next chapter.

I really like the shorter chapters. It really makes it easier to read and keeps you wanting more. The only suggestion I have is to maybe edit some. Replace commas with periods and such. Nothing major, just some punctuation edits. It certainly doesn't take away from the storyline! Great job! I'm recommending and subscribing to it.

@ Stormborn
Thank you, but I only make my chapters short because I was told people were intimidated by long chapters.

I'm here for the comment swap I did on my blog, sorry it took so long, I've been waiting for a day off of work.

This story seems really good so far, the prologue definitely drew me in, my only complaint would be the paragraph spacing, it gets a little cramped and I think paragraphs that are too long make the reader's eyes glaze over.

I really like the names Eris and Persephone, I'm obsessed with Greek mythology, I wonder how they come into play later in the story. I really love the tale of Hades and Persephone. I also like the goddess of chaos Eris.

I also liked how we don't learn the main character's name until 5 chapters in, creates an air of mystery for the reader.

I'm really curious about the character of Ichigo, is she a demon? This last chapter had a really good cliffhanger.

Your chapters are well edited, I couldn't really find any mistakes except an occasional mix up of past and present tense. I think my only complaint would be chapter length (not enough!) but readers always seem to want longer chapters haha :]

I'm here for the comment swap I did on my blog, sorry it took so long, I've been waiting for a day off of work.

This story seems really good so far, the prologue definitely drew me in, my only complaint would be the paragraph spacing, it gets a little cramped and I think paragraphs that are too long make the reader's eyes glaze over.

I really like the names Eris and Persephone, I'm obsessed with Greek mythology, I wonder how they come into play later in the story. I really love the tale of Hades and Persephone. I also like the goddess of chaos Eris.

I also liked how we don't learn the main character's name until 5 chapters in, creates an air of mystery for the reader.

I'm really curious about the character of Ichigo, is she a demon? This last chapter had a really good cliffhanger.

Your chapters are well edited, I couldn't really find any mistakes except an occasional mix up of past and present tense. I think my only complaint would be chapter length (not enough!) but readers always seem to want longer chapters haha :]

@ OctoberA7X
Thank you I'm glad that you like it, the person who made the Layout is mentioned in the summary.

I really love this so far...and I love your layout for this, it really fits with the mood of the story so far

@ Tipsy.
Oh, really thanks that's good I wanted to write Crystal Dreams in third person because the actual series kind of was. lol I guess we're kind if opposites at which writing style we're good at then.

@ Divine Faery
I am! And I understand. Actually, I think I do good in thrid person, and suck in first. So I know what you mean ^_^

I'll get to your updates now :D

@ Panthera Tipsy
Thank you, I suppose the writing in Ravenwood might be better either because I've learned from Crystal Dreams or because 1st person is my strength Crystal Dreams is honestly the first story I've done in 3rd person so I'm new to that, as long as your still enjoying Crystal Dreams I know I'm still doing good lol.

Also Persephone just handles things differently from most people lol but I plan to update soon for both Crystal Dreams and Ravenwood don't worry about that.

Hey! I'm not waiting for your reply on the swap. Let's get this done with! Haha

First off, the title. Its seems so mystical to me, that it immediately reeled me in. I don't know, maybe it was the layout that worked up the magical effect, but I immediately had the feeling I had to read this. So brilliant job on naming the story!

I already said the layout is beautiful, kind of haunting. I love it.

Prologue: Excellent begiinning! Plus, there's such a major improvement in your writing from when I last read Crystal Dreams. Don't get me wrong, CD is a wonderful story, only the writing in Raven wood is way too good. Splendid job! I'm actually kind of afraid of this last line, especially because Ravenwood sounds creepy now. I wonder what would be wrong with this place?

Chapter 1: Oh My God, I have a bad feeling about this man who has com to fetch them. Pale skin and as if he'd never seen sunlight. Damnit man, is he a vampire?! I'm reading further (sorry, reading and commenting at the same time LOL)
It didn't reveal anything about the man. Onto the next chapter, but again, I hope this Jeremy is not a bad guy. I wonder about Ravenwood again. Also, nice writing! I like Eris and Sephone, can't say which one appeals to me more for now haha

Chapter 2: Oh shoot! What the hell is that thing following Eris? I'm damn sure its following her! And I don't know Sephone seems weird, not reacting to her weird surroundings and stuff... Man, update soon!! I really look forward to reading this one! (:

Now, in short, I'd say this story is intriguing, with a unique plot. Plus, its well written and I'm hoping to read more of it. So keep going! Good luck (:

@ The Human Slayer
Thank you for the comment, I'm glad you like the story though I'd probably look at the character page I just put in lol.

Chapter 2

I like how you are putting tension between the siblings. The main character didn't think to express that they would stay together, while the younger thought it was really important. I liked that part. It just shows the errors of communication.
This chapter also made me slightly hungry because of the pancakes.

I'm thinking the yellow eyes is part of a monster curse. But I'll have to wait and see.

I absolutely love how you opened the story, with a very honest description of life, the world simply wants to be a dick and not let you have your way, even if it is as simple as completing a video game and losing your progress, it's unfair. I agree with Eris, it isn't cool that their family didn't show up and she should be allowed to speak her mind lol (On an unrelated note: I love the names of the sisters! They're awesome, kinda vintage and have their own eery feeling to them, great choices!) I do feel bad for them, having to go to a creepy orphanage... But I do see the beginnings of an amazing story in the works here, I really like it so far! only negative feedback I have are a few misspelled words, (No biggie, really. I only saw two) Other than that, great job! I'm looking forward to the next chapter

Wonderful start! I felt so bad for the girls as none of the family members showed up. I shared the anger with the main character. They all can go suck one! I felt that the guy may have a fear of the dark himself. I can't wait to see what Ravenwood is like.

There are many run on sentences. But with a quick edit, that all can be fixed. Keep going!

This was an pretty interesting start to this story, but I do have to say that there were quite a few grammatical errors that I found throughout, such as commas not being where they were supposed to be. Also, there were a few spelling mistakes that I found in both the prologue and the first chapter. I would highly suggest proof reading or finding someone to beta read your chapters for you. The story itself is appealing, and I can't help but feel extremely bad for the girls :( I hope that they get out of that orphanage soon and into a loving family. Can't wait to read more on this!

@ Mkayeee
Sure I can do that and thank you very much for commenting.