The Art of Subconscious Illusion - Comments

@ Dr. Sheldon Cooper
Thank you so much for this comment, it really does mean a lot to see the readers play by play thoughts of this story. Yeah, I'm really sorry there are errors in it, I try to catch as many as I possibly can and yet I still miss them! I'm just glad you're liking it and I'm glad that I was able to rekindle your love of Avenged Sevenfold. Can't wait to read the results of the contest! Thanks again for the chance!

Hello. I'm here to judge the Fairy Tale Spin-Off Contest. I'm sorry for the wait.

First of all, I am excited to see Zacky in the banner. I haven't been reading A7X fics in a long time and this seems like a good story to get me started again. The summary also sounds interesting and I would love to find out which fairy tale you used for this story.

I have to admit, I am very skeptical when I find out that this story is written in first person. I personally prefer to read in third person. But as I said, it's only my personal preference and it won't affect my judgement for the story.

For the content of the prologue itself, at some point, I feel like you're dumping the informations on the readers and it gets kind of boring. However, when it comes to the last paragraph, it gets kind of interesting. And I love how you end the prologue with 'Once Upon a Time...' It feels like watching a movie where the main character narrates their life.

Three best friends. You have absolutely made my day by putting this element into this story. I'm a sucker for a close friendship element in a story. I mean, of course the main character is important but I also feel that these secondary characters make the main characters stronger, somehow. So I definitely love Rachel and Melanie.

And oh! They're going to Avenged Sevenfold concert! I'm sure she'll be meeting Zacky there!

OH MY GOD SHE DID MEET ZACKY!! And now I wonder what did he do to her to make her react like that? I really need to read more!

Of course, Lucy. Who can take their eyes off Zacky.

I forgot how much I missed these boys until I read this fic. Thank you for writing an Avenged Sevenfold fic. I really appreciate it.

Awww... poor girl. Zacky... why did you have to go be a bully. Oh my... I hope she'll feel better.

OH LOOK! Zacky came to her house!

OH MY GOD ZACKY! What you did to her was terrible. I am very disappointed in you, young man.

Oh, look. Zacky is being all domestic.

God. I'm laughing too hard at that prank call. Brian, you are precious.

I have a theory. I think Zacky has had a crush on her since they were in school. That's why he's so mean to her. I mean, it's like that boys being to their crush to get her attention kinda thing, right?

OH my god, oh my god, oh my god! My theory is right!!! Zacky did have a crush on her.

That drunk conversation is weird as hell but it's so honest that in the end, I just have a smile on my face. I have a good feeling that this will end up well for both of them.

Go make things better, Zacky. And Lucy, open up to him. Let go of the past. He's trying to makes things better.

Oh no! She forgot about the phone call. She forgot that Zacky had just opened his heart out to her. Oh my...

Melanie, you are one wise friend.

Awww... Lucy opens up to Zacky and they're slowly opening up to each other and that's precious and I'm loving this so far.

AND HER SISTER OH MY GOD!! WHAT NOW?!

I sense something's gonna happen at this dinner. Victoria sounds like an okay person. Well... so far. Maybe she's like one of those people who looks okay on the outside but actually mean and cunning and a hypocrite. We'll see.

Zacky buying condoms. What are you expecting, Zacky?

Quote

“Zacky, Lucy!” Johnny came up to us while we were talking at the bar, where we had been all night. “Did you let Zacky massage your boob yet?”

Johnny. And Zacky's angry. And he's probably embarrassed too.

Gena... she's just making a fool out of herself. And she's the cheater. She doesn't have the right to blame Zacky for it. Like... it's her choice to cheat and no matter what the argument was about, she doesn't have to cheat.

They have that talk. I hope everything will work out fine for them soon. All these dramas are messing with my head.

Zacky's family seem so nice. It's good to see that Lucy's finally feeling the warmth of a family.

I just don't understand why Lucy has to be so stubborn. Okay, I understand she has a traumatic past. But Zacky has done everything he can to make it better. She needs to be less stubborn. And look... what happened to Zacky?! Oh my god!

Why would Zacky try to take his own life? Does he have any history of depression explained in the story that I missed?

Ah... I see. It makes sense that there's no mention of Zacky's depression in previous chapters since this whole story is written in Lucy's POV and thus, the readers won't know what Lucy doesn't know. It's all cleared up for me now.

I did find some typos and grammar mistakes throughout the story and they're nothing too big and can easily be overlooked. I'm not so much as a grammar Nazi and as long as I can read and understand it, I usually let the innocent mistakes slide. There are some parts in the story where I just skipped through because it feels like it just drags out too much and I'm easily distracted.

However, all in all, I think this is a good story. It's interesting to see by the end, these two broken people can get together and work on their issues and fix each other.

I'll let you know when the results are up. Good luck!

Layout / Summary

The layout is nice enough. It does seem a little busy at the side, but that could just be me. The only thing I'd consider changing is the radius of the content box -- it has these tiny little rounded corners that don't seem to fit in, at least not to me. But the layout is readable, so no major issues!

The summary is a good length, and give the reader the information they need to know to continue into the story. No issues there!

Content

I did have a bit of a giggle at the catholic home part, because my grandparents on my mum's side of the family are very religious and this just smacks of her home life -- seven children, everyone trying to get the other into constant trouble. I love that, it just added a huge dab of realism to this story right from the very beginning, even if it does develop out into a fairytale.

Lucy seems like your typical music-obsessed chick. I actually know quite a few people (minus the traumatic background) who are pretty much exactly the same, so I've got an awesome idea of what she's like in my mind while I'm reading.

What I'm most interested in, however, is the fact that her past has come back to bite her in the butt. I always find it interesting to read stories of people with traumatic pasts, and how they deal with it when it comes back around again or they're reminded of it. The idea of this modernised Cinderella story is pretty awesome as well, as I love to see fairy tales modernised like that. It's definitely an interesting concept!

Concrit

The beginning of the story (specifically the first paragraph) feels a little bit like an information dump. You throw all of the characteristics at us straightaway, which can sometimes be a little overwhelming. Usually, you can spread those things throughout a few chapters, rather than just putting all of the character information right at the beginning.

Also, in some areas, you miss out commas or put too many commas in. A way to rectify this is to read sentences aloud. If there's a natural pause when you read it then it's best to put a comma in. If not, you're best to leave it.

I noticed a few things, but I'll not point out what Qhuinn pointed out below, simply so you're not having the same things repeated at you again.

Sophomore doesn't need to be capitalised, as far as I'm aware.

Hell doesn't need to be capitalised in the context you have it in.

hyacinth* -- I'm not sure why you've got an asterisk here, is there a reason?

with a array of blues and purples.and a pretty pink lip gloss -- the period shouldn't be there and a array should be an array.

Overall

Aside from a few errors in grammar throughout, this story is off to a good start! You've got a strong storyline, relatable characters and an awesome modern spin on a classic fairytale! This looks like it's going to be an awesome story, so good job!

love this!!

Hola! I am the very tardy Easter bunny here to read your story. :D
So first things first, I'm going to list anything I see wrong.

Chapter One:
father became a drunk and a abuser
This should be:
father became a drunk and an abuser
Any time you have a word that starts with a vowel always use an. Here is a little tidbit on the rule and the exceptions. It sounds funny when you read it aloud.

all fawning and loving me...showing me something that I hadn’t
This should be something like:
all fawning and loving me; showing me something that I hadn’t

I have moved past all of this...all the pain and torment
This should be something like:
I have moved past all of this; all the pain and torment

everything had been perfectly fine until that night...it was the stupidest thing I had chose to agree to.
This should be something like:
everything had been perfectly fine until that night; it was the stupidest thing I had chose to agree to.
This one is a bit iffy. You can use the semi-colon and not have to restructure the sentence OR you can do something like:
everything had been perfectly fine until that night. That night I had to agree to the stupidest thing ever.
An ellipses just don't belong in these places. Its awkward to read and it makes it really choppy when you use them. Here is a helpful page on how to use ellipses.

Anyways, I'm not going to correct anything else. I don't want you to think I'm here just to bash your story into the ground. I just want to be helpful. Anyways, I love the idea of your story. I've always loved fairy tales and defiantly when they're restructured and applied to modern times. Your story is great and given a bit more editing it would be perfect.

As for your final besides the Recc blog prize of a story layout just message me which story you want the layout for, what you want the color scheme to be (maybe use this website to find the exact colors and send me the HEX codes) and a link to any banners you want to include in the story. :D

Love how this chapter turned out! Can't wait to see what happens with Gena next! Keep up the good work, you're awesome!

I must find out what happens with this step sister! Need more! I'm so proud of how far you've come as a writer and I hope to see more beautiful work in the story and your others! Keep rocking the pen!

@ Liacide XIII
I'm glad you are enjoying it! Thank you for commenting!

I want more!! Loving this story:)

@ Shepherd of Fire;
Haha yeah I figured that would be a favorite! I shall hopefully work on more tomorrow!

The drunk conversation on the phone was way too damn cute! I want more!!

Ohh hell, and things were going so well for her! Poor Lucy! Love that name choice, btw. It's different and not too common :) keep up the great work!

Dude I'm loving it! You have made stats on this story and it makes me so proud of you! I can't wait to find out what happens next! You better post another chapter today woman! <3

gotta say, I'm so excited for this story! I need more A7X in my life and I think this will inspire me to continue my own. Good luck with the contest! I hope you do well! <3 Can't wait for more! wriiiiiiiitttteeee!!! O.o

This was absolutely fantastic. This was a fantastic pilot chapter due to the introduction. You introduced the character, painting the picture of the characters struggle from the very beginning. That's how you draw the readers in and get them intrigued because now we want to know what happens next. This is beautiful and very well done.

@ Indelicate.
I'm really glad you got that vibe because that is what I was going for! :3 I'm glad to have you on board as a reader! Thank you! *give you a million cookies for being number one!*

This was definitely a very good start to this story. The writing style was quite interesting and different to other stories that I normally read; it kinda felt like I was reading a diary entry :P I really am looking forward to seeing where this goes!