Ooh okay. So the description you gave me had me thinking up a list of possibilities that could lead to a "shock of a lifetime." At first, (lol) I was like, 'Hmm. Maybe they're gonna kill him." (Wrong). About halfway, I was like - oh no! Something happened to his parents! (Wrong). By the last big paragraph -- "He closed the guestbook..." -- I had it though! I do like that you kept the final zinger -- "I am him." -- as the last line, though.
You did a nice job at building suspense, mentioning the cards and the crowd. The descriptions lent themselves to curiosity and unsettled feeling really early on, which was good.
I do wonder if you took some of the detail away, if it would be a little more suspenseful? For instance -- He wasn’t surprised to find the door unlocked, either. He was expecting it, in fact, and didn't bother to take his keys out. It usually was never locked. His parents lived in a relatively safe neighborhood, they trusted the people around them, and they were always having people coming and going. That, and they were sometimes a tad bit forgetful about it. This passage talks a lot about how the door is unlocked; three sentences are dedicated to it. Maybe if you just say, "He wasn't surprised to find the door unlocked either; he didn't bother to take his keys out." It would say the same thing without devoting too much attention to it.
The same kind of goes for this line -- Most of the people had somber expressions, like they were all grieving over something. A few guests shared a laugh with each other, but then they went right back to being solemn. And strangely, Jonas noticed, these people were mainly dressed in black. Try to show us the scene without indicating anything. Maybe when he walked in -- "There were people everywhere, dressed in black as though they were ants, crowding the other side of the entryway, to the out the patio door and into the the back porch. The room was quiet - a few shared a laugh with each other, but the tone remained solemn." This uses all the fantastic words and details that you have created, but kind of veils the meaning a little more. Does that make sense? Tell me if I'm unclear, haha. By drawing attention to certain things - the grieving and solemn expressions, the black garb, etc - you heavily hint at the meaning.
Like I said, though, I was guessing through a majority of the story, so you certainly didn't give it away. I think it will only benefit from creating a tad more nuance.
Haha as your status suggests, I do have a few questions, but I don't think they're important. Three are - why did his parents invite him over if he's dead? And how do people not notice his likeness? Does he recognize anyone at the party - his friends? The second question is meh because I think that can have some larger meaning - they didn't even know him at all! That's kind of cool. Cooler if he recognizes some of the faces in the crowd. The first, for whatever reason, is most concerning to me lol. I think you can just get by that by saying he felt obligated to visit them and just cut the part -- "When they'd asked." BUT they could have asked before he died. See? I don't think the questions are important lol.
I think that you did a really nice job with this. You did create a little mystery for me and you did it really nicely within just one short story. I really enjoyed this! Nice job! :)
You did a nice job at building suspense, mentioning the cards and the crowd. The descriptions lent themselves to curiosity and unsettled feeling really early on, which was good.
I do wonder if you took some of the detail away, if it would be a little more suspenseful? For instance -- He wasn’t surprised to find the door unlocked, either. He was expecting it, in fact, and didn't bother to take his keys out. It usually was never locked. His parents lived in a relatively safe neighborhood, they trusted the people around them, and they were always having people coming and going. That, and they were sometimes a tad bit forgetful about it. This passage talks a lot about how the door is unlocked; three sentences are dedicated to it. Maybe if you just say, "He wasn't surprised to find the door unlocked either; he didn't bother to take his keys out." It would say the same thing without devoting too much attention to it.
The same kind of goes for this line -- Most of the people had somber expressions, like they were all grieving over something. A few guests shared a laugh with each other, but then they went right back to being solemn. And strangely, Jonas noticed, these people were mainly dressed in black. Try to show us the scene without indicating anything. Maybe when he walked in -- "There were people everywhere, dressed in black as though they were ants, crowding the other side of the entryway, to the out the patio door and into the the back porch. The room was quiet - a few shared a laugh with each other, but the tone remained solemn." This uses all the fantastic words and details that you have created, but kind of veils the meaning a little more. Does that make sense? Tell me if I'm unclear, haha. By drawing attention to certain things - the grieving and solemn expressions, the black garb, etc - you heavily hint at the meaning.
Like I said, though, I was guessing through a majority of the story, so you certainly didn't give it away. I think it will only benefit from creating a tad more nuance.
Haha as your status suggests, I do have a few questions, but I don't think they're important. Three are - why did his parents invite him over if he's dead? And how do people not notice his likeness? Does he recognize anyone at the party - his friends? The second question is meh because I think that can have some larger meaning - they didn't even know him at all! That's kind of cool. Cooler if he recognizes some of the faces in the crowd. The first, for whatever reason, is most concerning to me lol. I think you can just get by that by saying he felt obligated to visit them and just cut the part -- "When they'd asked." BUT they could have asked before he died. See? I don't think the questions are important lol.
I think that you did a really nice job with this. You did create a little mystery for me and you did it really nicely within just one short story. I really enjoyed this! Nice job! :)