Lyrical Lies - Comments

Hiiiya!

I've never read anything of yours before, but now I gave it a shot, because you comment all my stuff etc.

So, you know I'm going to be brutally honest, but not rude, and I hope you'll take the things I say in concideration and not to heart. Obviously I love you etc, and I'm not trying to push you down.

First of all, I liked the concept. It felt a little like Sid and Nancy, how Frank killed Gerard in the end because that's what Gerard really, truly wanted. Of course I hate unhappy endings, but still.

I won't say that it's beautiful, because murder never is, but it fitted with this story. And yeah, like I said, it felt a bit like Sid and Nancy. (Not as in you were copying it, but as in you may have been inspired by that and just gave it your own personal twist)

The grammar, wasn't the best at times, I must admit. But I know, being a fellow Swede, that sometimes it's not too easy. I'd advice you to have a BETA perhaps, if you're ever going to write another story. If you write a Frerard or GD slash etc, I can be your BETA.

Then also, the flow of the story was confusing as you didn't split it into as many paragraphs as it may have been needed, and you didn't make paragraphs between talking etc. But that's something you'll learn the more you write too.

I do feel it was a little unbelievable that Frank had managed to stay in the same room with Gerard for an entire year. After all, later you say that Frank accidentally walked in on Gerard in the shower, so then obviously they hadn't been in the same room. If you'd put it differently we may have understood that Frank just refused to leave Gerard alone long enough to do any damage, or he refused to leave him alone in a room where there was actually something to harm himself with.

I was also a little confused as to why Gerard had been let out of prison, when obviously he did commit the crime. Sure, you said evidence showed he was innocent, but if he wasn't, how is that likely? Just a few more lines or another paragraph on that would've helped.

"He closed his eyes, and went away." I would've loved that sentence to end with "He closed his eyes, and walked away" instead, as it would've given it more dept and emotion.

Over all, this was a good attempt, but you have a lot to work on. The talent is there, you just have to learn how to use it. I'm always here in case you need advice, and always if you need a BETA as well.

Much love.
:arms:

-tears well up in eyes-
i loved it :]]]]

oh, and i LOVE that song.
i was sitting in my science gcse on friday, and that song was playing over and over, and over and over, and over and over, and over and over, and over and over, and over and over, and over and over, and over and over, and over and over [etc. XD] in my head.. hehe.

i just love your writing ^^

x

Why did Gerard have to die? I mean I loved it and all...it was very good but why did they have to die!!!! But otherwise a very good tale

loved it.
:D

I loved this.
It was different and I loved that about it.
Also, it was sad. I felt tears forming in my eyes.
Sigh. I wish there was more to this but sadly they are both dead.
I loved the ending also. The last bit.

this is absolutely amazing.

But why did he HAVE to kill Gerard?

Sorry to be a retard, otherwise I loved it!

This is so sad, i could feel the tears welling up in my eyes =[
You're a really good writer. I loved it. x