Paper Moon - Comments

It's a good idea for a story--one that hasn't been done often and is certainly hard to pull off if you have no experience with either babies or music. I hope that you can and it seems you are well on your way to proving you might.
The only advice I have (this coming from an English and Creative Writing major) is that you work diligently on your grammar. You have the tendency to use redundancies in your sentences as well (such as a synonym in the sentence for a word you just used to reiterate an emotion). Also, the first half of the chapter is a little hard to get into because it's an overview rather than Vic's actual take on his life up until that moment. If you readjusted it so that it WAS his own take on his life, the emotion (the feelings of loss and self-depreciation as well as his feelings of triumph at overcoming them and quitting his vices) would come across with much more contrast and depth. It would also eliminate the need for the break in the chapter. You could just slide right into by saying something along of the lines of ". . .and that's what was going through Vic's head as he reclined on his couch that evening." And so on.
Also, you use contractions for "was not" and "is not", but not for "had not". It fights with the casualness you are trying to go for. You can completely submerge a reader into the mind of your character even using third person. All you have to do is word things the way the character would. In this case, the entire chapter is a little too formal, but it's a great, great start to what seems to be a heart-warming and funny story and I look forward to it's development. =]

I can tell I am going to love this and it's going to be so cute with vic being a daddy and kellin helping him. Can you imagine how cute a baby vic is. The way you started this was great and really made me want to carry on reading to see what it was that was going to come back to bite him. I think this is going to be such a joy to read and I am really looking forward to finding out how vic gets on being a daddy and see what's going to happen between him and kellin xxx

I love this pairing. <3

I like the direction this is taking. I disagree with whoever said it was predictable- I totally didn't see it coming. But I think it will be absolutely adorable. I'm wondering if Kellin has a kid yet in this story?

I'm diggin your style though. You make Kellin seem so fucking cute and accomodating. They both seem so gentle. I might already be falling in love.

Oh my God this is awesome i want more as soon as you can cause this is cool

First off, you've got such a pretty story layout! I think it really helps to capture the readers attention; however, I noticed the text is only a slightly different shade of gray as the background. That may make it difficult to read the story.

Also, seeing as it's a rock band dude type of story, I sort of expected the Danielle situation to happen from the beginning. Because of this, I wasn't very surprised when it did happen. You've only got one chapter up though, so I'm sure you'll mix it up and throw in some surprises as the story progresses! You have a lovely way of writing though, which engaged me as a reader and kept me reading even though I pretty much knew a baby was gonna pop up on his doorstep.

I sure hope conflict doesn't arise between Vic and his brother and band mates. I know he mentioned feeling like he doesn't even know them anymore now that he's cut back on the boozing. It would make for an interesting conflict, but it'd be a bit unfortunate if it happened.

Kellin only showed up for a short bit, but I already like him. Wouldn't we all enjoy having a friend like him? He was completely down for catching a plane just to help Vic settle in with the baby.

I wanted to highlight some lines that I quite liked:
Victor Vincent Fuentes never once thought that his old life on tour would come back and bite him in the ass.
That was such an amusing way to kick the story off. It had personality.
...which meant drinking as much as their bodies would allow, hooking up with as many girls as they could, and generally just doing whatever the hell they wanted to do.
Again, lovely touch of humor with the way you worded it. Also, I love the way you basically explained the typical idea of a rock band lifestyle.

Job well done!

There are two things I'd like to start off with:
1.) Your layout is gorgeous, however in terms of the actual story the text is kind of hard to read.
2.) I don't know much about the band member so I apologize if I get something wrong.

I really like how you started out the story. It pulled me in rather quickly and kept my eyes glued to the screen. It gives really amazing background on everything and hints at exactly what's to come.

A line I really loved was:

This was the whole story of Victor Vincent Fuentes's life and he was determined to change it; to start a brand new chapter. It's absolutely beautiful and quite relate-able (maybe not in the same way as Vic).

I strongly dislike Danielle. I don't know what mother would do that to a child, but that just infuriated me. The way you worded it really helped that emotion along too.

I really enjoy Kellin. He's a complete sweetheart for dropping everything and going to Vic and Isabelle.

The last paragraph was beautiful. The way Vic is stepping up to the plate and firmly facing his actions is wonderful. I'm sad there's only one chapter as I really want to see what else is to come for this story.

I didn't see any grammar or spelling mistakes.

Definitely subscribing!

This is a really interesting story! I dunno what kind of person drops off a baby because she doesn't want it anymore, but clearly Danielle isn't that great, so I guess we'll just go with that. Also, the layout is amazing! I love the moon, and the little teddy bear separator thing is really cute.

A few things I noticed:

Be careful with your commas. I have the same problem (even when I comment on things) where I add a whole bunch of commas and everything seems to run on forever and ever. It tends to break up the story's flow, so I would just be cautious about using too many! They're super useful, but it can get hard to read if it feels like the sentences don't break up very often.

Like this sentence for example:
Having just over ten years worth of touring experience, has given him a lot of time to reflect on the earlier mistakes that he had made, and from them he has made several attempts to turn his life around for good
I would take out the first comma (before has) and maybe add a period instead of the second comma (after made), just to make everything flow a little nicer.

Vic was surprised to hear the doorbell ring. He wasn't expecting anyone and even if he was, his friends never bothered to know, they just walked straight in knowing that ninety-nine percent of the time, the door was unlocked.
"know" should be "knock"

Vic quickly scanned through his mind, trying to do the Math as well as trying to remember[...]

Vic quickly did the Math in his head as he tried to calculate exactly how old she was from the date written beneath her name and came to the conclusion that she was just shy of five months old.
The word "math" doesn't need to be capitalized in either of these sentences.

But yes, I'm interested to see where you go with this story. I know your characters are real people, but you've done a good job at describing/creating their personalities for people, like me, who aren't as familiar with them. I think it'll be nice to see them develop as the story goes on, especially because of how Vic was before, and how much responsibility he'll have now that he has the baby.

Nice job!

First of all, I'm super excited to see where you go with this!
Second, who did your layout?? This is absolutely amazing!!!

Wow. Amazing.
You are quite the writer. I wish I could make my words flow like you.
I had never heard of Vic Fuentes, or any of the members of Pierce the Veil until I read this, but you write in such a way that it didn't matter. I hope you continue this! I am subscribing :)
Great job! Keep up the work!

Firstly, I meant to comment yesterday but time ran away from me and it completely slipped my mind! So I'm sorry this is a little later than I said it would be!

I love the layout. The colours really go wel together and I adore that little banner thing with the photos and teddies that splits the text. It's majorly cute, you should keep using it for other chapters.

I'm not 100% familiar with Vic or Kellin but that didn't matter here. You've written them so well that it's so asy to follow without having to know a lot about either of them and their bands.

The chapter flows really well. It's a great opening and I love the first part describing how the "old" Vic acted and you keep everything really realistic about how easy it is to get sucked into that lifestyle.

I can't wait to read more about how Vic adjusts to fatherhood and manages to juggle being a daddy with being in a band (as well as fixing his relationship with his bandmates.)

I also can't wait to see how Vic and Kellin deal with the baby together and how everything turns out. I'm defintiely looking forward to reading more of this and seeing what you have planned for the story. I'm sure there are going to be plenty more amazing chapters!

Great job Lottie!!

What an incredible start to what I'm sure will be a very interesting story! Your writing is so smooth and is truly a pleasure to read.

I love the premise of this story and I cannot wait to read how Vic handles this strange situation!

Great job! I love it (& you) :)