July 18th, 2015 at 07:30am
I’m terribly sorry for the delay!Anyways, as far as first impressions go, I did feel like I got a good idea of the atmosphere of this story and the concept behind it from the story page, so you’re aces on that front. The only thing I would possibly add would be, if this is going to be a lengthier story, I would probably add a little more to the summary. Though it’s breath-taking on its own, I didn’t feel like I knew much of what I was getting into as a reader other than that this was a romance.
Moving onto the actual content, I really admired the way you chose to kick off this story in retrospect. I thought that added a nice touch, and it’s not something that I come across all that often in my reading. Another thing that really stood out to me was your use of imagery and description. There are so many instances where writers tend to get bogged down with these chunks of descriptions, but you managed to weave in both the imagery and the relationships between all the characters mentioned effortlessly. I also adored how I definitely got a good grasp of who Amalia is as a character and some insight into her history, even in this brief opening chapter.
As far as constructive criticism goes, I don’t have a ton of suggestions. I did notice that there are still a lot of grammatical errors (mostly comma stuff, no big deal) in this chapter. I also felt like, even though the flow of this chapter as a whole and the flow of the narration was spot-on, the dialogue felt a little stiff and rehearsed, so it didn’t read as naturally to me.
Also, there was something about this very first line that felt a little off to me, but at that moment, I couldn’t quite put my finger on what it was. It wasn’t until I was in the process of typing this comment up that it kinda clicked, so I figure it’s worth pointing out:
Love has been a revolving door where I watched it continually walk in and out of my life. – You’re using two different metaphors here that don’t quite mesh well in the same sentence. You say that love is a revolving door, an object, but then go on to say that love walked in and out of her life, which is a personification. Both metaphors are perfectly fine on their own, but the concept of love can’t be both an object and a person in the very same sentence. It’s either the revolving door letting people into and out of her life, or it’s using her life as this revolving door to flit back and forth through, if that makes any sense?
Overall, I did really enjoy reading this piece! I think your writing is stellar, and I wish you nothing but the best as you continue with this story
A few things I found:
“My dad says it’s all wrong but how can I listen to a guy who in his eyes, all the blame rests on Graham who pressured and preyed upon his precious little girl?”
I think there should be a comma between “guy” and “who”.
That’s a lie because lately I’ve been thinking more and more about what my father has been saying since Dr. Larson has become my therapist and I’m not certain he couldn’t be right.
This sentence seemed awkward and long.
He chokes on the liquid at the use of my nickname I coined for him and I watch as the hot tea sloshes from the mug onto his white shirt. He stands abruptly with a string of muttered cusswords following as his folder drops from his lap sending papers scattering.
“Cusswords” should be two words.
“If you call me that again or ever act inappropriate towards me, make no mistake that I will notify your father about your behavior and you, Amalia, will be looking for another therapist.”
I think “inappropriate” should be “inappropriately”.
Other than those, though, I think this story is fantastic and I hope you write more soon!