Homepage › Stories › Family Matters › Comments

Family Matters - Comments

  • AJ9

    AJ9 (100)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    ♀
    Age:
    57
    Location:
    United Kingdom
    I really hope you will be updating this story again soon because I really enjoyed it. I have a really bad feeling about Amanda's parents. I think they are asking the questions about Gavin because they have a hidden agenda.
    November 10th, 2015 at 01:45am
  • Aightball

    Aightball (100)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    ♀
    Age:
    45
    Location:
    United States
    That was worth the wait!

    I think I'd have liked to have seen Gavin talk about his trip...you did a lot of telling in this chapter. I'd break it down into a couple of chapters and try to do more showing.

    But I do like this chapter and I thought it was neat to see that conversation between Brian and Kara about him cleaning up his act.

    Also, fun random Jimmy =)
    November 3rd, 2015 at 01:16pm
  • Aightball

    Aightball (100)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    ♀
    Age:
    45
    Location:
    United States
    @ NeverWakeMeUp

    Awesome!

    I'm 100% guilty of multitasking sentences, too =). It's one of my friend's biggest pet peeves. They're hard to kick, but once you recognize them, it gets easier. I'm still working on kicking them out of my writing, too!

    Can't wait to see what's next for this story!
    November 3rd, 2015 at 01:00pm
  • HopelesslyIntrigued

    HopelesslyIntrigued (100)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    ♀
    Age:
    36
    Location:
    United States
    @ simply amanda;
    @ Aightball
    @ powerofkisses
    @ SHADOWS COURTESAN
    @ mdcustard
    @ mrsmshadz

    Thanks so much for all of the feed back and the constructive criticism! Sorry it took me so long to reply/post another update. I'm getting ready to put the next chapter up now. We'll find out more about Amanda's parents as the story goes along, but next update will include the honeymoon! I'll try to make it saucy Wink

    @Aightball-I read your comment a while back and I didn't get to reply to it right away, but I definitely paid attention! I noticed what you pointed out and I've been trying not to make as many 'multitasking sentences' as I update my stories. Thanks for the comment! I'm always open to constructive criticism!

    Hugs to everyone for commenting! Hope you enjoy the chapter I'm posting now!
    November 3rd, 2015 at 06:25am
  • simply amanda;

    simply amanda; (115)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    ♀
    Age:
    33
    Location:
    United States
    I really like this and can't wait to see more of it!
    July 6th, 2015 at 09:36pm
  • Aightball

    Aightball (100)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    ♀
    Age:
    45
    Location:
    United States
    The cliche would be to have something bad happen with Amanda's parents. I got the feeling they were simply nervous and a little awkward during the meeting. I hope they wont do anything and will simply try to get to know their grandson better.

    A quick critique: I noticed that, on occasion, you have a sentence similar to this one:

    "The following Saturday they got to the baseball field and Gavin headed over to warm up with the team while Brian and Kara found a seat on the bleachers."

    My friend and CP calls those "multitasking sentences" and I'm famous for them. =) Except my characters are usually trying to rub their eyes and walk downstairs or something.

    Try to break those sentences up. For instance, you could say:

    "The following Saturday they got to the baseball field and Gavin headed over to warm up with the team. Brian and Kara found a seat on the bleachers, and kept an eye out for Amanda's parents."

    Or something similar to that. Try to keep sentences down to one task at a time.

    Can't wait to see where the story takes off from here!
    July 6th, 2015 at 05:20pm
  • powerofkisses

    powerofkisses (100)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    ♀
    Age:
    32
    Location:
    United States
    Log you know something bad is going to happen with them.
    July 6th, 2015 at 03:56pm
  • SHADOWS COURTESAN

    SHADOWS COURTESAN (100)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    ♀
    Age:
    33
    Location:
    United States
    If something bad does happen with Amanda's parents Ruth seems like the one who will be behind it
    Especially with how she got weird when Gavin called Kara mom
    July 6th, 2015 at 12:58pm
  • mdcustard

    mdcustard (100)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    ♀
    Location:
    Great Britain (UK)
    Great chapter! Suspicious of Amanda's parents - seem too nice/accepting of the situation at the moment. Hope they don't ruin the honeymoon
    July 6th, 2015 at 07:39am
  • mrsmshadz

    mrsmshadz (100)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    ♀
    Age:
    99
    Location:
    United States
    Loved it!! I have a feeling her parents are going to start some kind of trouble. Anyways, so much technical words. Can we just go with grandparents, mom and playpen? Lol it's a mouth full saying all those other words lol
    July 6th, 2015 at 07:11am
  • HopelesslyIntrigued

    HopelesslyIntrigued (100)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    ♀
    Age:
    36
    Location:
    United States
    @ Vanzchyk2011
    @ wilda73
    @ AJ9
    @ pennycausesdread
    @ synystergirl
    @ Synful_Shadows
    @ mrsmshadz
    @ plbrinson
    @ shorty123
    @ Aightball
    @ mdcustard

    Thanks so much for your feedback! It really means the world! I just posted the second chapter now, I hope to post more soon and have less of a gap between updates. You guys are the best!
    July 6th, 2015 at 05:41am
  • Vanzchyk2011

    Vanzchyk2011 (100)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    ♀
    Age:
    33
    Location:
    United States
    I would love to read more
    June 24th, 2015 at 06:51am
  • wilda73

    wilda73 (100)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    ♀
    Age:
    51
    Location:
    United States
    Definitely interested in reading more! Mr. Green
    May 4th, 2015 at 05:49am
  • AJ9

    AJ9 (100)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    ♀
    Age:
    57
    Location:
    United Kingdom
    Please update soon xxx
    April 27th, 2015 at 11:48pm
  • pennycausesdread

    pennycausesdread (100)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    ♀
    Age:
    32
    Location:
    United States
    Awesome start! Glad you decided to do a sequel.
    April 18th, 2015 at 05:40am
  • synystergirl

    synystergirl (100)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    ♀
    Age:
    65
    Location:
    United States
    So glad you are writing a sequel!!! I hope Amanda's parents don't cause Gavin to have any behavioral problems!!! Can't wait for more
    April 17th, 2015 at 03:00am
  • Synful_Shadows

    Synful_Shadows (100)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    ♀
    Age:
    38
    Location:
    United States
    Yes!! Finally!! A sequel!! I've been waiting for this forever!!

    Looks like Amanda's parents are going to cause problems for the Haner clan. Showing up like that unannounced is wrong imo.

    Baby Emma is sooo adorable!! Cute

    Update soon!! xx
    April 16th, 2015 at 05:32am
  • mrsmshadz

    mrsmshadz (100)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    ♀
    Age:
    99
    Location:
    United States
    It's only in the once but it threw me off lol
    April 14th, 2015 at 06:39pm
  • HopelesslyIntrigued

    HopelesslyIntrigued (100)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    ♀
    Age:
    36
    Location:
    United States
    @ mrsmshadz
    I didn't realize I wrote Allie in here somewhere LOL, i'll have to go through and find it. That's the downfall of having so many active stories hahaha.
    April 14th, 2015 at 02:15pm
  • mrsmshadz

    mrsmshadz (100)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    ♀
    Age:
    99
    Location:
    United States
    I'm really glad you decided to do a sequel. I like it so far. But who's Allie??
    April 14th, 2015 at 07:46am
Homepage › Stories › Family Matters › Comments