Confessions of a Young Murderer - Comments

Starting the chapter off with a question makes me think this might be a retelling, where she's in a certain situation in the present and is responding to direct questions. Obviously the title is leading me to think that she's being formally questioned about their murders, having either been caught or handed herself in. Or it could be she's explaining it all to someone she's close to where it's still a confession but not quite a formal police confession. All these theories and I don't yet have an answer!

Some of the dialogue doesn't follow very well. It feels stiff and out of place. I get the feeling, especially with Pascal's speech, that you were trying to go for a slightly formal approach but the stiffness throws it all off and it doesn't feel like speech at all, regardless of whether the speak is formal.

The sudden and quick proposal makes Pascal seem very suspicious. They've met not long ago and it's the first time he's met her daughter and yet he's proposing just like that? It's way too soon and definitely throws a shadow of doubt over him, undoubtedly the exact thing you want. If the summary's anything to go by, it taints his 'good guy' persona which Marjorie has painted of him just because he's made her mother happy again, even if it's only been a little while.

I'm definitely iffy about Marjorie's quick acceptance of him as a step-father. Her mother mentions him once and she's already dreaming of them being married and her gaining a step-father, which is a little bit odd. She's lost her father and while she might be happy that her mother can experience happiness again, her eagerness for her to remarry is a little peculiar and I'm not sure what to think about it.

The summary sets this up to be such an intense story and I'm quite disappointed that there's only one chapter for me to read. Hopefully you'll continue this one day in the future!

By reading the summary (along with the title), I have no idea what I'm getting into. I mean, I can assume that the main character is a killer, but did she kill her parents? Or was she framed? Who knows. All my answers will be answered as soon as I read the first chapter, and the rest of the story when it comes along.

I really like how the chapter began with a question. It's as if someone was asking her the question. Maybe a friend was asking it? Or maybe she was caught and the police are asking her if she really did kill anyone. It could be anyone at this point. And then she answers the question; I just like how the question in the chapter basically frames what the chapter is going to be about.

Hmmm, I'm not too sure if I like Pascal. It seems that him and her mother's relationship went so quickly. They were dating and then like a week later, he proposed. It seems a little suspicious to me. But I guess I'll have to find out more about him later when the rest of the chapters come out.

I am so excited for this story and I can't wait for the other chapters to come out!

First of all, I totally adore the image you use in your layout. And you summary really pulls me in to actually click on the first chapter.

I like how you didn't go overboard with you description. Sometimes, too many descriptions can be a bit overwhelming to the readers and in my opinions, yours are just on the right side of enough, without it being too much but at the same time you've given enough to get the readers hooked.

I like how Marjorie seems to really, really care about her mother. She's such a sweet daughter and the relationship between her and her mother is very refreshing to read. And through the summary, I have a hunch that Pascal is that guy that only seems sweet and charming on the outside, but in truth, he's not all that at all? You've really gotten me very intrigued with the characters in this piece.

There are only a couple of things that I noticed while reading this. First thing is when Pascal was talking about his own children, and the line "...Her name is Vivienne and she takes after her diseased mother completely; from her ocean eyes to her sun kissed hair, she got everything from her mother.’’ Did you mean deceased as in dead?

And I don't know if this is crucial to the story, but Pascal proposing to Madeline seems very rushed. If this is how you want the plot to move and this rushing way she accepted his proposal was actually what moves the plot along, it's really good. If not, it just seems too fast to propose to someone after one date a week later.

However, in general, I like the vibe I get from this story. I think your writing style is very precise and simple and easy to read. I would love to read more from you. Keep up the good work!

Summary:
I was absolutely in love with your summary! While I'm usually closed off to these types of stories, the summary itself made me excited to read the first chapter.

Chapter One:
While the first chapter does contain a lot of information that's definitely to be expected, plus I think you executed it all very well. You didn't jump around and you kept everything really concise. I definitely appreciated it.
Well, of course she was my mother, but even thought it was strange, I liked it. thought should be though
It's really adorable to see just how excited her mother is about the date. She almost reminds me of a teenage girl, mostly because I think most stories I've seen describe the mother's as being quite snooty and unemotional, but you made her stick out as a character and I really enjoyed it.
Something tells me that in the future she won't want Pascal as a stepfather.
Hmmm, I just don't trust Pascal. There's definitely something about him. I hope they revel in his kindness because I feel like it isn't going to last too long.

All-in-all, I absolutely adored this! It was an easy read with lovely dialogue and a great relationship between mother and daughter. I'm definitely excited for the drama and sadness to come. I'm subscribing!

Holy crap! This is so interesting! Idk why but this story, it lures me in. I'm kinda curious about Pascal's past now and how he keeps Marjorie around him. For some reason, I'm suddenly thinking of this real life crime of this guy who lured a girl to his remote farm home (he lived in a valley) and he sort of held her hostage and did all these gruesome things to her (the documentary on the case is called Monster of Mangatite(sp?) if you want to watch it for inspiration but it's not for those who are faint of heart).

Putting my weird rambling aside (sorry for that), I'm in love with this story. My favorite part was just seeing the emotions of Marjorie's mom being sad and suddenly finding a man she likes. I"m hoping that throughout the story, you'll show us some flashabacks that tells of Marjorie's relationship with her mom and Pascal -- like what they were like as a family and maybe some hints at Pascal's dark side.

Well, that's all I can think of to say because this story just blew mind with the first chapter alone. Great job, Maria.

All of the plots for your stories seem super unique and I really appreciate that. Of course, the two that I've read have only had one chapter each, but I have high hopes

I liked that we got a nice intro to the characters in this first chapter. The summary made it sound like things are going to get super intense, so I liked the slow introduction to start it off. Your characterization is really good, meaning that I like how much it feels like we know about the characters so far even though I’m thinking something weird is going to be going on with Pascal. I liked the little descriptions of him from Marjorie’s perspective, it really helped create an image of him in my mind.

The only thing I would say be careful of is sometimes your dialogue gets a bit stiff, mainly when Marjorie is talking. It all sounds really…proper, I guess, and it makes the interactions between the characters feel still, which breaks up the flow of the chapter.

Other than that, I’m excited to see what the characters are involved in, since it seems like it’s gonna be a little bit crazy. Nice job!

Wow, this seems really interesting! The first chapter is very mellow, but the title and summary seem to be leading into something very dark. Which makes me very curious. I like the small little details about the characters, such as how Pascal dresses, and the shared grief between the mother and daughter. There isn't much to go by so far in this one chapter, but the title works as a really good hook in comparison to the lighter introduction. Good work! :)

Okay, so you have a pretty good title and the summary was pure perfection. I'm not yet sure of how you're formating this story as in the quetion at the start of the chapter but you've got a good beginning here, and I'm gonna wait till you update to see more of it. Nice work!

This is a strong start to a story that could be awesome, there's so many direction that you could take it... the chapter is short but it flows nicely and has a decent amount of detail in it :)

this is really, incredibly intriguing. I don't even honestly know what to expect and I'd like to read some more soon in order to figure it out. The first paragraph of chapter one was very much a hook for me. It felt as though it started a little abruptly, but maybe that's only my opinion? Anyway, please continue!

firstly, i like the layout. it's simple, but the the color scheme matches the theme of the story. i'm intrigued by this, especially since the first chapter is so tame. if there was any criticism i had to give, it would be two things; the title seems a bit... spoiler-y, and i don't know if this is just me, but i was deeply confused by the short summary before the chapter. besides these little things, i'm curious as to where this story will lead.