Soulbinder - Comments

@ Divine Faery
Anytime! And I think you are doing a pretty good job in first POV. Keep practicing and I know you'll only improve! Can't wait to ead more!

@ Midna the Dark

Thank you for your feedback and thank you for pointing out those two mistakes I missed. I'm glad you're enjoying the story, I worked really hard on it though, to be honest with you I don't think I'm very good at first person but I thought I'd try, I'll try to get the next chapter out soon.

Layout
I really think your layout is pretty. It's simple and really works well together.

Summary
I like the explanation of your world. Ara is a cool name for a world. I'm intrigued by how the cycle works. However, the last two lines are the only ones that really tell me what I'm reading for. I don't know. Maybe just my personal opinion.

Prologue
The demon summoning was very neat. I've always been a fan of magic, so I love how you included this scene. I'm rather curious if the story's main character is the demon or not, cause that would be so cool!

Minor Spelling/Grammar
~bitterly as if the demon's

~THis eyes turned red

Overall
This isn't my usual style of reading, nonetheless, it is very intriguing. I'm really excited to see where this story goes from here.

The summary is nice. I feel like the first sentence is missing a comma after soul. The layout is cute and the banner is lovely. The summary gives me what I need to know but at the same time, I'm not fully sure what's going to happen in the story.

prologue

Wow. Okay. The prologue was really short, but really engaging. I'm not sure what's happening but it makes me want to continue and find out what did the mortals do and how it's going to affect everyone.

Chapter 1

You're telling. Which isn't necessarily bad, but the rule of thumb is usually "show, don't tell". Like you could have described Solstice's father instead of explaining. You could've described her mother.

But, with that, it's a strong and nice first chapter. Nothing is outstanding with it grammar wise and I think it's nicely done. Good job.

@ Divine Faery
Your welcome

@ fallen_angel94
It was chapter 13, it was a mistake, thank you for telling me about it.

@ Divine Faery
Yea it does I didn't know if it was chapter 13 or not but I wanted to ask and make sure before I read it

@ fallen_angel94
Really? It does?

Why is chapter 13 saying its chapter 17??

@ sindie.
Wow, It's nice to hear that you liked it, I planned on adding more details later, but you're probably one of the only people who didn't complain about the details in this story. And thank you I'll look of over and try to fix the problems you pointed out.

I hope you enjoy the rest of the story.

I'm going to go ahead and set this up by letting you know that this is so far from the realm of stories that I usually read. But the summary immediately had me hooked. The idea of a world where life never really ends is so interesting, so totally different.

I knew they were not running away from me as they usually just steered clear of me, but this was different, they scattered in all different directions not even caring if they got near me which was beyond odd behavior.

There was something about this sentence that really felt odd to me. It's a little too long, and kind of feels a little clunky. But the imagery is still raw, nonetheless.

"Where the spirits won't go, no one should roam"

I heard this phrase a lot in my childhood, and I think it's so interesting to see it included in a story - it brings back a lot of memories, and I think it also could lead to a great set up in this story.

You've set up such an intricate and detailed world, with attention to a lot of the quirks that makes it unique and different. It's so easy to be caught up in trying to describe everything that sometimes sentences may become too long, clunky, or just redundant. I would just suggest making sure you break up your description with some dialogue, and your sentences with some punctuation.

That being said, this is very, very magnificent. I'm definitely going to keep reading, because I'm very, very interested. The concept of life and death going hand in hand, in a physical world...god, that's just so freakin' cool.

You're talented! Keep it up!

@ Limitless;;
Thank you very much for the feedback.

Normally, this isn't the type of story I would read. But right from the summary, I'm kind of hooked on it. I like the datail you've put into this, into creating your own world and all of these characters. You have amazing potential as a writer, and I see that really well throughout all of this. Your writing style is amazing and makes it easy to read. I'm really glad that I go to read this! Great job

I adore fantasy stories, especially when they're so well thought out like this one. I can really tell that you a ton of thought into the world you created and the characters living in it and that's really nice to see.

Be careful of the word "as", which sounds weird, but you use it quite often and it can really break up the flow of your chapters. You can use different words, such as "like" or "and", or something along those lines, or just end the sentences instead of connecting them. That was your story will feel more natural to read.

Summary
In the world of Edelen, a word that means soul life never truly ends./
It feels like you didn’t quite finish this sentence. Have “in the world” at the beginning made it sound like you were going to talk about what was going on in the world, but stopped the sentence short.

Prologue
I knew they were not running away from me as they usually just steered clear of me, but this was different, they scattered in all different directions not even caring if they got near me which was beyond odd behavior.
Here I think you could use some more punctuation. I would say: I knew they were not running from me, as they usually just steered clear of me, but this was different. They scattered in all different directions, not even caring if they got near me. It was beyond odd behavior.

"Sköll, what's going on?" I asked more than baffled by all of it.
There should be a comma after “asked”.

At first I heard nothing which irritated me because I knew he could hear me, he could always hear me as I could him no matter what.
This also needs some more punctuation: At first I heard nothing, which irritated me because I knew he could hear me. He could always hear me, as could him, no matter what.

Chapter 1:
Watch length of your sentences. Sometimes they can run-on a bit and it chops up the flow of your story. Using things like semicolons (like capax infiniti mentioned) are always good, or even just making sentences shorter to vary the length a bit.

I yawned, squeaking a bit and as I looked around my room, I noticed something odd, not normal and completely unnatural, it was far too silent in this house.
Watch the redundancies as well, like in this sentence. Having “odd”, “not normal” and “completely unnatural” seems like a bit much. They all mean pretty much the same thing, and I’m assuming you used them to show how crazy it was, but it was a bit awkward to read.

Chapter 2:
When you have dialogue, make sure you put a comma afterwards. Like in this sentence:
"The Crystal War is at our doorstep, even as we speak Nirvana and Eredan forces do battle just beyond the Lupis range," He explained causing a few of us to gasp.
There should be a comma after “he explained” before you continue on with the sentence.

Also, I like your use of different adjectives like “explained” and what not, but be careful not to overuse them. Sometimes just saying “he said” and then adding some description afterwards can work really well.

Kiba was my oldest brother and quite honestly one of my favorite siblings. I don't think I ever knew him as a child so we didn't grow up together, I believe he was already an adult by the time I, Sky or Blue were even born.
This paragraph was odd, just because if he is her favourite sibling, she would probably know that kind of information, you know?

"Well unfortunately I didn't just come here to celebrate my sisters name day, I actually came here for important business, I came to tell all of you to leave," He said shocking us all.
“Sisters” should be “sister’s”.

As your chapters went on, your grammar and punctuation improved a bit, but still keep an eye out for it while you're re-reading your chapters. Your characters are also growing as the story goes on, which is really nice to see.

I think you have a really good story going here, so keep going with it! Good luck!

Fantasy is a difficult genre to write. A lot of thought needs to go into it; it's not just the plot or characters, but worldbuilding in fantasy has to be more thorough than any other genre (aside from certain sci-fi). So good job on that; I can tell that you put a lot of thought into this world.

I don't want to just say 'this could use editing' and leave it at that, which is what I see a lot of people do. That's not helpful. I want to help.

Prologue: Normally, I'm not too keen on prologues, but some stories need them. Your names are interesting, like Sköll. Is that a reference to the legend of Hati and Sköll? If so, I wonder if it's foreshadowing something.

We've already established that the concept is interesting. You've got a good idea, here. One thing that I don't think has been mentioned regarding punctuation is that a comma usually comes after dialogue. For example:

"Sköll, what's going on?" I asked more than baffled by all of it.

You probably already know, but asked is the piece of dialogue I'm referring to. So the sentence could be rewritten as:

"Sköll, what's going on?" I asked, more than baffled by all of it.

It gives the audience more time to pause and take a breath; it also helps the flow of the sentence. Also:

"I'm not sure I just have a bad feeling about it," He said as I heard...

Others might suggest to add a period after sure. But it seems like that was intentional; I mean, if you added a period, it would take away from the breathless, rushed quality of the scene, which seems to be what you're trying to convey. Even if I don't think there should be a period, there should still be punctuation. I suggest a semicolon(;), which is kind of a soft period, since,it wouldn't interfere with this mood you've created. A lot of writers are afraid of using semicolons because they're not sure about the proper use, but they can be really helpful in situations like this.

I'm really curious about the what the Celestius is.

Chapter One: One thing previous commenters haven't really mentioned (maybe they have; I didn't read them too closely) is redundancy. For example:

...but I ignored her pretending as if I didn't hear her...

In this case, I ignored her and pretending as if I didn't hear her mean the same thing, right? So, really, you only need one.

The same dialogue things still apply.

You've created an interesting world. I've never read anything like the Inuko or Urufu before. Also, I think this chapter says a lot about Sostice, and does a pretty good job of introducing various characters.

One thing to note is adverbs. You use a lot of adverbs (excitedly, curiously) and it seems like there's a tendency to add information after the dialogue. While it's not necessarily a bad thing, it's okay to simply say that a character said something, without adding an adverb or extra information that can go in a sentence of its own. But you don't overuse dialogue tags (like acknowledged, admitted, agreed, answered; anything that's not said/asked), and I thank you for that, because it seems like so many writers here are guilty of that.

Chapter Two: Worldbuilding is still good. A bit seems to be used a lot, and doesn't really make much sense in the context of kneeling. I don't think there are any grammar things that haven't applied to previous chapters, such as the adverbs, redundancy, and dialogue.

Characterization is also good; you give everyone a personality in the way they talk and act. You also find good places to end the chapters. I'm still interested in learning more about this Celestius.

Chapters Three to Five: Oh, Solstice is sixteen! I like how you reveal these things within the conversations. It's a lot more natural and flows much better than if Solstice had simply said, "I am about to turn sixteen."

Grammar issues still apply, and will for the rest of the story. It seems to improve; as the story progresses, it becomes clearer and easier

I'm learning more about the mythos of your world. Again, I can really see Solstice becoming a three-dimensional character, rather than a heap of words.

You really do know where to end your chapters, usually at cliffhangers of some sort, which is a pretty sound method. I never know where to end mine.

But for the entire thing, I'd recommend adding more imagery, more detail on what, specifically, the characters are feeling: the sights, sounds, smells, and sensations of the characters, down to their hearbeats and the taste of the air if you need to. I know that you have a clear and vivid image of your world; that much is evident from your worldbuilding. But remember that the audience is completely unacquainted with this world and these characters, and more imagery would help the audience become as immersed in your world as you are.

I didn't mean to write this much, but I just want to leave a meaningful comment. I can actually do an even more in-depth critique if you want, though I think one of Mibba's betas would do much better than I could.

But please continue to write, update, and add to this fantastic world you've created.

I'm absolutely loving this so far! This last chapter absolutely chilled me to the bone. Well, I'm not going into the woods again, hehe. I adore the idea that you have going here. It feels like something that I'd pick up at the library and read. I do agree with sightless., though. The story could use a bit more sensory details and a good revision. It's not at all bad, though! Despite a few mistakes, I'm definitely giving you credit. I've been working on a fantasy myself for about six months now, and I'm still creating the lore

From the prologue and first two chapters, I can see that you've put quite a bit of thought into this. I like that you've created your own world and species of characters, and I think you've got an interesting concept to work with. This all shows that you've obviously put some planning and effort into the plot.

I found it really cool that the living and the spirits coexist because this isn't an idea that most people would think of (unless they're spiritual). It gave your story a uniqueness, and it was quite refreshing. I really liked a bit of dialogue you used that said, "Where the spirits won't go, no one should roam." I found that line to be particularly strong and memorable.

That being said, I did notice that in both your story summary and chapters, there are quite a few places that could use commas. I also noticed some cases where you could do without commas, for example, "Well unfortunately I didn't just come here to celebrate my sisters name day, I actually came here for important business, I came to tell all of you to leave," He said shocking us all. Here, you seemed to use commas to separate what could be three separate sentences. If you wanted to keep the commas, you would have to pair the commas off with a coordinating conjuction (for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so). In this case, though, it may be better to separate the sentences. Also, "He" doesn't need to be capitalized.

I also sometimes felt like I was being told rather than shown, so perhaps you could add a bit more sensory details? It'd be nice to better be able to picture this fantastic world that you've created with all of these different species. For example, in chapter two, Solstice found the perfect position in bed. Perhaps you could describe what this perfect position is like? Towards the end, she found her family bored out of their minds, but how could she tell? Did they look a certain way? Perhaps that could be described as well to give the reader a chance to picture what Solstice is seeing.

Other than the commas and maybe adding a bit more sensory detail, you've got an interesting story idea! Good luck!

You've got a typo in your title. As for the summary, there are a few spots that could use commas: After Edelen and after soul. Overall though, I really like the concept.

Side note: the layout is also quite interesting.

Prologue:
The first paragraph sucks me right in. I'm seriously thinking, "what the hell is going on?"

Again, there are a few areas where you could use commas, but other than that I didn't really find any mistakes.

Overall, it's a great start, and there are such great questions you've left to be answered.

Chapter 1:
I still really like the concept. I'm glad that you went and gave us information on some races.

Chapter 2:
" I don't think I ever knew him as a child so we didn't grow up together, I believe he was already an adult by the time I, Sky or Blue were even born."
Shouldn't she know these things? It just sounds odd to me.

I have a feeling that the Inanis aren't actually a myth.

Overall what you have is good. You could do with a bit more description, and maybe have someone read everything over before you post.

Definitely keep at it.

Beautiful, looking forward to your 2nd chapter. Your truly are my joy ;)

Quick question before I comment fully, Eclair is a ghost but has pixie wings?

I like this story normally I don't like Original stories because I cannot follow the plot but this concept of a world where death and life walk side by side really intrigued me. I can't wait to find out more about this world of Edelen. I can't wait to see more character information and progression as you post the story. Keep up the good work.