June 16th, 2015 at 05:07pm
Hey, I saw this on the comment thingy. Thought it'd be worth a read. :) The first thing I noticed is the grammatical and tense errors. Right off the bat there's some stuff that threw me off: "Don't lie I know you love me, I'm mean who wouldn't" I laughed, In this, there needs to be a comma and a period. Comma after "Don't lie" and a period at the end of the speech, before the quotation mark. There always needs to be some kind of punctuation after the speech (every time). If there's a speech tag such as "I said", "I laughed", etc, then there's a comma, but since this character's laughing is due to the pillow being thrown at him and not how he said the words, there should be a period (which means you should take out the comma after "I laughed").
as luke throwed another pillow at me, hitting me smack in the face. "Throwed" is not a word. It would be threw for the past tense. Teasing him was my favourite thing to do, I loves it when he gets all frustrated and angry with himself. Also, "loves" isn't the correct tense either. Since it's "I", it would be "love" instead. (But also, be careful because those sentences are in two different tenses. Past tense and present, so you might want to rewrite them so they're both in past. I.e- use "I loved it when he got all frustrated")
In the second chapter, it's basically the same things. "Thru" is not really a word. "Through" is the correct version. "Thru" makes me think of a "Drive-thru" and even then it's not technically correct. You also want to make sure that Brook's dialogue is clear. Since she's basically talking to herself, it can get a little wonky.
And for the self harm. Just be careful how you portray it. Personally, I won't read stories with self-harm in them because I don't like it, but if you want to feature that, make sure you write it maturely and accurately and don't just throw it in there with no repercussions. Self-harm is a major theme. If it doesn't play a part in your story, it shouldn't be there.
Basically, just clean up the spelling/grammar and try to put more details in. Where they are, what they're doing. Everything can be written out like the readers are watching it happen. (What are they sitting on, what do they feel when they move, what does the room look like? These are all questions that need to be addressed while you're writing. It'll make it more vivid.)
Note: If you would like someone to proofread your chapters and help fix your mistakes, I would love to help. When I first started writing, my chapters were beyond terrible but I had someone eventuality proof them and I became a better writer in the process. Just message me if you are interested.
Love
E