Good Girls Don't Make Deals With Demons - Comments

That was a wonderful loophole please update soon! Or link a sequel or something.

That's not gonna end well.... :3

I am considering it

Will there be a sequel?

@ Audrey T
Thank you so much for your comment I will definitely think of editing my story once it is completed and go over a few things so people won't be so confused

@ Audrey T
Thank you so much for your comment I will definitely think of editing my story once it is completed and go over a few things so people won't be so confused

Summary

I liked your story's long summary. I think you did a good job of giving us a glimpse into the two main character's situation (and an idea of how their lives are going to intersect) without overloading us with information. I also think you did a good job to kind of set up how the story was going to go. From the summary, I could already tell that the narrative wasn't going to be one sided - with just one character telling us the story - and I'm interested in hearing from Damon and Eliza.

Chapter 1

I thought your first chapter was interesting. I also thought it moved a little fast and because of that, some parts of it were a little confusing or seemed like there were missing pieces. I thought the conversation between Eliza and Sarah jumped around a little too much - for example, how Sarah started talking about the woman in the retirement home. After Eliza said she wanted to enjoy her day off, Sarah stated, "If only that lady wasn't so crazy." It seemed a little weird to me, because I couldn't really figure out why that would have anything to do with Eliza enjoying her day off, you know? It just seemed like maybe something should have been between those two pieces of information to help better connect them.

Overall, I think the chapter might have ran a little smoother if you took your time introducing certain aspects of it. Otherwise it feels a little rushed. In just one chaptered we learned about Eliza's brother in the hospital, the bills, thinking about selling the house, her career, her friend's career, her dog, the accident, and she's already about to make a deal with the devil. It just seems like a lot to take in.

Chapter 2

Going into the second chapter, I was little confused by Eliza's disbelief in demons (or that that girl could be a demon). In the first chapter, it seemed like she believed that the demons/devil could exist and that was why she went to the railroad tracks in the first place. I didn't really understand her reaction - especiallly since later on in the chapter, it seems like she has at least basic familiarity with demons (or demon folklore ) - "For 10 years, then you collect my soul right?" I asked.

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I only got through the first couple of chapters, but I think this is definitely an interesting story. The one thing I would really suggest would be to ease back on some of the physical descriptions (on things like character's hair/eye color, what they're wearing, or the descriptions of objects in a room) and maybe focus more on taking time with the story itself (include more transitions between one part of the story to another, include more substantial information about the characters and their situations). I think you have a really nice plot but parts of it seemed under-developed or rushed.

* I know it's been said before, but maybe it's worth repeating? The layout on the summary page is really busy and very hard to read. I had to switch to the default layout just to make it manageable. Perhaps you can try moving around your banners/pictures a bit, so that there's solid color behind your text, rather than images? If you need help with that, you should definitely look into some of the lovely shop owners in the Graphics Shop. I'm sure they could help you put together a layout that works for your story, includes the images you want, and is also legible for the readers.

** Probably this was just something that glitched when you copied your story over from your word document, but there aren't any spaces between your paragraph, like there is in your summary. Because there's so much text in each chapter, that lack of spaces makes your story a bit hard to read. It looks a bit jumbled. If you just hit enter twice when you're moving from one paragraph to the next, that would really help.

Can't wait for the next update to find out what everyone is up too.

Looking forward to another glorious update!!!

@ Alex Moore.
The reason she is expecting a gentleman is because when she first meets him he lures her in he makes her think he is doing her a big favor to get her to agree and as for the layout if you can find one interesting enough then I wouldn't mind giving it a try thank you so much for your comment

Hi! This is for the give one, get one thingey! I agree with what is said before. The layout is extremely hard to read and it really distracts from the story, even before starting to read. If I every find some time, I'd love to make you a new one?

I like the summary, its straight forward and tells the reader what they can expect. One thing stands out; why did she expect a gentleman? She is looking to sell her soul, I'm not sure anyone willing to buy would be a gentleman?

But thats beside the point. Onto the rest of the story; First thing I notice; way better to read! but one small advice (im sorry I try not to be to critic) try some paragraphs, it enhances readers comfort.

You have very good descriptions, I really like that. Writers are like painter, I always say, painting a picture. I like the way you start this story. It tells us a lot about Eliza and about her desperate situation. All in all it is a very good story and you end it at a brilliant note.

Keep writing!

@ sightless.
Thank you so much I really am glad you helpedal with putting in examples of the edits that need to go on I will try to fix everything as soon as I can

Hey there! First off, I just wanted to say that your title and short description are quite attention grabbing, which is great! It made me curious as to what the story would be about. That being said, the particular layout you have for the summary page makes it a tad difficult to actually read the summary. I almost didn't want to carry on reading because of its difficulty. If you want to keep the images, maybe changing the color of the text or the transparency of the images can help in the reading department. In regard to the summary itself, it seemed interesting, but I noticed a lot of places there should have been commas.

Here's an example of some areas a comma should've been added:

"After hearing a story about a lady making a deal at some old railroad tracks her curiosity reaches it's limit. She's willing to sell her soul to save her brother but there's only one problem."

You should have a comma after tracks because the details that lead up to tracks create an introductory phrase, which is a dependent clause that provides info about whatever is coming next, and need to be set apart from what could be a complete sentence with a comma. There should also be a comma before but in the next sentence. "But" is a coordinating conjunction, meaning we use it to connect complete sentences. Coordinating conjunctions are a lonely bunch, which means they need to be paired with a comma in front of them to keep them company.

Commas are tricky business, but not having them when you need them can affect the fluency of your ideas. You can always ask me if you've got any comma questions!

Regarding the content of your story, I think you've got a lovely concept going on. I don't typically read these types of stories, so your idea seemed very fresh and interesting. It'd be cool to see where you go with this "deal with the devil" idea. Also, I noticed some missing commas again. Just be a bit careful about your sentences because some of them run the risk of being run-on or fused sentences without any commas. Commas can be a nice way of having sentence variety to mix it up a bit and keep the story interesting. Don't be afraid to use them!

I also think that spacing the story out a bit would make the reading easier. Maybe set dialogue apart or let us know where new paragraphs or ideas start.

Other than that, I think you've got a great story idea, and I encourage you to keep at it! If you ever have any questions, please feel free to ask!

Edit: I just noticed in the example I gave you, it's should be its. "It's" is a contraction of "it is", which wouldn't work because I don't think you're trying to say her curiosity reached the end of it is limit. "Its", on the other hand, functions as a pronoun, which is used to refer to something with an unknown gender, basically. It can also be possessive. For example, I may say something like, "The committee met its deadline." In this case, "its" is referring to committee, and the deadline "belongs" to the committee.

I really like the concept behind this story and you've definitely got a good story here but I have to agree with Michael Westen on a few things.

The lack of comma's puts me off a little, but it is somethign that is easily fixed and if you need help there are Beta's on here that will help you out with it.

Also with the spacing as well but again easily fixed.

Apart from that it's a good story, I'm sure if you get the comma's added and the spacing set then it'll get alot more attention. I love anything to do with the supernatural and this is an interesting story :)

I hope this didn't come across as mean, I'm just trying to help you out

Layout: I find the layout is a bit hard to read with the background pictures, but I guess that's only for the summary?

Summary: The summary is quite good. It's definitely got me intrigued. There is a small error though, willing should be willingly. If you read it out loud, it makes more sense that way.

Chapter 1: The first thing I want to mention is that as part of the guidelines, you have to double enter between paragraphs, like how this comment is formatted.

smacking a tin roof. - a makes it sound as if it's not the roof she's standing under, but one on a different house. If that's what you meant, great, but if not, changing it to "the" would suffice.

I may just be a sliver, - I'm assuming that's a typo, and you meant it. Just thought I'd point that out for you.

I also want to take a second to say that I really do feel for this girl. Having that kind of power would definitely not be easy.

The next insight of what she's thinking is really powerful. Because it does feel like that. (Is Je a typo, or is that her brother's name?)

All of a sudden you're using her friend's name, I think that if you were to fit it in when you first introduce her, it wouldn't be so abrupt.

You just sort of jump from devil to demon... I know that's where the story is going, but from what I've read of the character so far, it doesn't seem like she's too knowledgeable about that world.

It's weather is terrible - the weather?

Overall I like the idea of the story, but I just couldn't get into it. You seem to be almost afraid of using commas, and the way that effects the flow makes it sound as if you're just stating facts. Perhaps that's just how I read it though, and all of this really is my opinion. I do wish you luck with the rest of it though. And I hope that you can find some help in these words.

Loved the update can't wait for the next one!

Loved the update can't wait for the next one!

Okay I really like this store and I love the supernatural similarities but it's also so unique. I can't wait to find out what happens next.

Okay I really like this store and I love the supernatural similarities but it's also so unique. I can't wait to find out what happens next.

thank you so much I will try to have another chapter up soon