Bella Morte - Comments

@ Skipology
No worries at all <3 enjoy! feel free to comment!

Um newby reader, ghost user here.
Only on chapter two, but had to stop by and say, wasn't cliché.
I love the concept for this story, and I think I found my new reading hobby.

Also, I'm finding Marlie very interesting as a character herself.
I'll try not to spam you with comments by the paragraph...I got a bad habit of that.

I'm loving this story

@ LooksthatkillA7X
No problem. If you need someone to proof it, I will :)

@ CrystalBlueDisguise
Thank you! I've been writing it at work, so I don't have much time to edit it. Thank you so much for pointing that out! :)

@ CrystalBlueDisguise
Thank you! I've been writing it at work, so I don't have much time to edit it. Thank you so much for pointing that out! :)

I love this!! So glad you updated! :)

I noticed a few errors, but nothing major.
"Adrenalin pounds from through Matt’s veins "
I don't think "from" should be there.
And a few others like that.

I think during Mibba's big A7X phase, I probably came across a few A7X gang fics, but this the first one I've actually read. I think the idea is pretty interesting, turning the band into a gang, and I thought the first chapter had a lot of suspense to it. I definitely didn't see where you were going with Marlie's character and her relationship to the gang, so I was surprised when I got to the first chapter.

From what I see of Shadows so far, I think he kind of fits in with over-the-top villains from comic books (which isn't a bad thing). It reminded me a little of The Joker - with the way he was speaking and his dramatic flair. I think it's good for one chapter, but I don't know if I'd be able to deal with him over the course of an entire story unless he toned it down a bit. Right now, to me, the whole gang seems more like caricatures than characters so it's a little hard to get into the story. For me to keep reading, they'd have to become a little more realistic and relatable.

Very interesting plot to say the least. Interested to see where this story goes!

I do have to agree with some of the others though about some errors and word flow, but every author is unique. You do you!

Hey! This is an interesting story, I've not seen an A7X fic with a plotline like this before so I think this is a pretty original take. You have the outline of a really interesting story here, and parts of your narrative are well-constructed. You have a nice turn of phrase!

I do feel like finding out about her brother is a fairly major plot point, but you seem to move past it quickly - it might be a good idea to think that over again, precisely how she would be feeling and reacting to the news that not only does she have a brother she never knew about, but that her brother killed her fiancé. I feel like that kind of information would require a fairly huge emotional overhaul in a person. This is understandable, though, if you're keen to move on with story progression - I can totally get that you might want to skip the revelations and get on to the rest of the narrative! Just something to think about.

My biggest suggestion for you would be to find someone who would be willing to edit for you, or to request a site beta reader to go over your work. I know that errors can be tricky to pick up yourself when re-reading, so an editor would be a big help. If you're writing your updates directly to Mibba, too, it might be worth quickly doing a copy and paste in to a word document before you post and running a spelling and grammar check. Always a help! Two quick editing points for you to get started-

1. Remember that new speech should be entered on a new line. Sections like

More breathless moments passed, “So… I see we have dear Marlie Cromwell.” His voice was deep, smooth and rich like drizzling chocolate, but with the edge of a sharp razor blade. Marlie kept silent, she had nothing to say to the vile wretch that murdered her beloved. “A little shy are we? Well, that will not do.” The Legs of the chair scraped again, with dead air...'

should read:

More breathless moments passed.

“So… I see we have dear Marlie Cromwell.”

His voice was deep, smooth and rich like drizzling chocolate, but with the edge of a sharp razor blade. Marlie kept silent. She had nothing to say to the vile wretch who had murdered her beloved.

“A little shy are we? Well, that will not do.”

The legs of the chair scraped again, with dead air...

2. You should always include the original author when using quotations in a text. I really like the way you have used quotes in this story, but remember to put the original author underneath. If the quote comes from a distributed work like a song, poem, speech or novel, you should also include the title.



Overall, you're on the right track! Keep this up and keep revising it. It looks like you have a great, dedicated readership!

Summary:
While I do like the summary and the information it gave on the story, I do need to say that you should probably go over it and fix the errors. There are a few spelling/grammar errors as well as a few words that don't need to be capitalized.

Chapter One:
In the quote you posted at the beginning, I would suggest putting the artist/person that wrote it down, if that makes sense?

You definitely need to edit your work, it's riddled with errors that make it really difficult to keep up with the story. I found that I would have to go back and reread parts of it to understand what you were trying to say.

However, I do like how Avenged Sevenfold is a gang- not only that, but the most feared gang. It gives the story a really nice twist. Plus the fact that Marlie is pregnant and has to go through with having the baby even though her fiance was murdered. I can't imagine the toll that would have on her.

I feel like the men that came in either have really good hearing or Marlie breathed out super heavily. Part of me wishes she would've accidentally have made a sound (like kicking the side of the box or something) instead as it would have made it much more realistic. Whew, the horror she must have felt, though.

While I do want to see what happens in the future, I find that I just can't concentrate enough on it with all the errors. I would definitely recommend going through and editing it (or requesting a site beta, which you can find in the forums). I really believe this story has a lot of potential and I wish you the best of luck with it!

This is really good. I like it and think it's amazing. Matt sure can be moody.

Matt can be pretty moody. Its her hair. Doesn't seem like a big deal.

Matt can be pretty moody. Its her hair. Doesn't seem like a big deal.

Wait.. they don't know Marlie is Matt's sister. That makes sense now especially since Brian and Zacky treat her like shit.

Liking this so far. Poor Marlie.

Well i'm glad Matt isn't such a jerk anymore. That cop is gonna loose his job or life.

Matt is already coming off as the enemy and a jerk.

Love this story!! It looks like Johnny and Marli are startin to get a lil closer. I love it!

Oh please update....pleeeeaaaaase :)